Sep 19

Threads

I am still defining and redefining who I am on the outside and inside. I never really considered it but suppose it is a lifelong process. If you aren’t changing and upgrading then you are stagnant and degrading. That doesn’t necessarily apply to little breaks you take along the way to catch your breath of course.

It has been 9 years since Erin’s body died. I realized this morning that there is a version of me out there somewhere in the multi-verse that still has her in my life. While I’ve always known we would wake up one day and be reunited, for some reason knowing that this is just one reality gave me comfort. I knew all of these things, but didn’t put the data together into information or knowledge. It’s funny what that one link can do for you.

I have felt it building for a bit now, it being me emerging from the cave I have figuratively lived in. I won’t say I’m there yet but I am definitely starting a new phase where I am different. Change is upon us and I’ve got to get back to my mission. I am here to clean up my own mess, and to help others. That may look different from day to day but I am remembering past or parallel existences again and mistakes I’ve made. I must do things differently this time.

By the way, mistakes are how we learn. We learn what feels good and what does not. We learn consequences to ourselves and others. We learn pain and we learn love. At the most basic level, we learn that we can’t step on rotten wood and not fall through (and thus break our leg). In a more complex situation, we learn that things we did eons ago are so burned into our DNA that we have repeated them over and over, perhaps as a penance for the deep guilt or shame we carry, because who said we could end the cycle and let ourselves off the hook?

I have a very long standing love-hate affair with Abandonment. I capitalized it because shit, it’s an old frenemy. It hurts so bad but has taught me so much. Without it, I wouldn’t be the very self-sufficient, strong and some other adjectives person that I am today. I’ve been physically abandoned and emotionally abandoned, but I’ve also done the abandoning. It is a perversion of the concept of Alone (All One) and is a false truth. I set this lifetime up so that not only was I an only child, I was physically and emotionally abandoned very early on. People started dying when I was 4 years old and once I got to a decent emotional place as an adult, meaning I wouldn’t lose my shit, well they started dying again. Almost all of them. The only thing I could say is ok, I get the point.

But there is so much baggage. And I’m wading through that. It’s like being in a dark room for years, then trying to go out into the light. It’s overwhelming, and I have to take breaks. But here I am, and I’m trying to figure out what to do with this website that I have had for so many years. The name no longer fits other than Blue Star. Or maybe I just need to rework the content. I’m not sure yet, but during meditation with Hekate she told me to get going and that was over a month ago. When the great mother speaks I probably should listen.

I know many of you have your own points to get. Now is a good time, because I’ll say again we are amidst a time of great change. It’s actually a great show and we all have tickets. Some of us even get bit parts. So get up, dust yourself off, and start doing what you’re guided. You’ll find the right thread to pull.

Sep 19

Can you be spiritual and have cosmetic surgery? Yes you can!

I started writing this and have started over. It’s such an involved topic. I could really write separate articles talking about self worth, body image, “new age” ideas of what is spiritual…the list really goes on and on. But my real intent is to take you on my Tummy Tuck & Lipo journey, so let’s go!

The first step of my journey took years and I mean that literally. It was a journey within where I had to overcome personal roadblocks both physically and mentally. Some of them are listed below and in no certain order.

Roadblock #1 – I Can Do This Myself

This may have been the hardest roadblock to overcome for me so I’m listing it first. I was a lifelong exerciser before I was pregnant, and was still moderately active for awhile after (that was nearly 20 years ago). I had always been prone to gaining weight, but I could whip myself back into decent shape (and size) with moderate ease at least. I exercised during my entire pregnancy, except for a 1-2 week period. During that period I gained 10 lbs!

No one told me to listen to my body after Erin came. The doctor told me wait 6 weeks, so I did. I was ready to start moving again after 3 weeks, and by 6 weeks I was tired and lethargic. I was also 160 lbs compared to my 135 lb pre-baby weight. I did not understand that aside from being sleep deprived, my hormones had changed which changes how your body responds to things. Fast-forward 6 months, I went back to work and gained another 10 lbs putting me at 170. I’m not judging you, but I am 5’4″ and 170 was hard for me to carry. I was even slower, more lethargic, and my back started to hurt more often than it ever had before.

By the way, with a LOT of work I managed to lose 5-10 lbs over the years but never really shook 160 until my child, Erin, died. I stopped eating for all intents and purposes for 6 months and was then 142. I thought what a great time to start working out again! But nope, I started eating and gained weight and mass (inches). So I got discouraged and stopped.

Fast forward 6-8 years and I realized that I could drop maybe 2-3 lbs max when I tried really hard. I once got down to around 150 again but I was eating very little and walking 3 miles 4 times a week. And then we confirmed that we had been living with mold (aspergillus) for 3 years, during which time I had a knee, shoulder, and thyroid surgery. No matter what I did it didn’t come off. Buying clothes, taking pictures, you name it – it was depressing to me. And my mobility was decreasing, and I didn’t sleep due to intense back pain, and everything was piling on. “Just exercise” was now cause for me to fly off the handle with anyone who said it. It’s not that it was a bad suggestion, but it wasn’t working FOR ME.

Roadblock #2 – Judging Others

Feeling bad about Self causes us to sometimes be jealous of others who have what we want. I am no exception despite trying my hardest. It’s the “I don’t want that anyway” syndrome.

I think that most of us think about cosmetic surgery in the context of a celebrity/influencer type who is looking to make money off of their looks, or maybe clearly wants an attention feedback loop going 24/7. Maybe you know someone like that who is just a regular person, but I’m sure we all know someone. It’s easy to judge by saying things like “She only looks that good because she has had (insert here) surgery,” even if we only say it to ourselves. That only sort of makes you feel better about your Self, and it isn’t uplifting to the person on the other end of the judgment.

I mean, why can’t they just look good, period? And why can’t other women applaud them for being their best? Keep in mind I’m not talking about anyone in particular, as there is surely someone out there who becomes obsessed with their appearance. I’m talking about regular people. I’ll share something with y’all…I used to totally judge people who used Botox. Because I wanted to be wrinkle free but thought I had to on my own so why do they get to be wrinkle free and I don’t?!?!? You see the downward spiral that takes us into.

Roadblock #3 – But I Can’t Do That Because I’m Spiritual and Cosmetic Anything is So 3D

All of that led me to my last major header roadblock. I know that I’m not any different from millions of spiritual path folks, so I’m going to throw this scenario out and I bet it will stick for you (it’s MY scenario).

First, most people who embark on a spiritual journey, as opposed to continuing in the mundane material path (typically referred to as 3D to reference the 3rd dimension), most of us tend to neglect the physical body. It’s not that we intentionally do it. It’s more that we are so excited about all of the non-physical stuff we are learning and doing that it just sort of happens.

Later, we find out that we’ve been moving all of this energy and speeding up processing negative emotions and such, and it has taken a toll on our body. Oh, we forgot to take care of the body! And then we find ourselves in situations where we are debilitated and must take care of the body. It can be a vicious cycle.

And oh, let’s not forget that we can heal ourselves, and we can de-age, and we should be able to do all of this ourselves. For the record, I actually believe all of these things down to my bones, but I am unable to successfully do any of them at this time. And I shoulded all over myself didn’t I. I had a grief therapist tell me that once – don’t should on yourself. So I’m sharing that with you now. And yes, it is akin to shitting on yourself.

But wait, I’m not done! I should be happy with my body just as it is. If I am not I’m doing a bad thing not loving my body and my Self. That is probably the one that got me the most. I was damned if I did anything, and damned if I didn’t.

One more – the cost. It’s expensive to have body work done. What sort of person am I if I spend $$ on cosmetic surgery? I must be a bad, selfish, materialistic person right?

My Conclusions

One day I finally just said something similar to what I’m about to type for you to myself. I’m human, and I’m not happy with this vehicle. I haven’t taken the greatest care of it and now I have the means to fix it. Younger me did not have the funds, and would have been doing it for vanity’s sake. I do want to look more like Me, but I’m in pain. My back hurts. My clothes never fit. Everything hurts, I don’t sleep, and I am going to tweak this body where it needs to be tweaked. I then reminded myself that I actually do love Me, which means I love my body, but it needs some changes. By the way I figure it, I’m helping myself more than hurting.

And with that, I went out and got a consultation. But as synchronicity would have it, two ladies that I work with both shared the doctor they had gone to for cosmetic surgery. It took me 2 months to get in for a consultation, but I knew when I walked in that I was going to do this so after pricing, I booked the first available surgery date for 5 weeks out and never looked back.

I Actually Got Some Spiritual Value!

I got some bang for my buck here on my spiritual path as well.

I stood on my own two feet on this one. I didn’t ask for advice, or read about the spiritual implications (i.e., other people’s opinions or their guidance for them). I actually listened to my intuition and made my own decision Yay me!

I also paid for this 100% with my own funds. Well, I applied for and took out a personal loan with my bank and put some of my own funds with it. This is a first for me. I didn’t start this particular life out being very financially adept, but now I’m standing on my own two feet and I’m not afraid to do that anymore. It was supposed to be this way. I added on lipo for my arms at the last minute, and wanted to save about $150 by paying cash so asked my husband for a loan. This turned into an argument later on in the day, so I backed out on the ask and paid it on my credit card. The argument was stupid and silly and poor guy, I know he was supposed to do that so that I would shoulder this one myself. I can, and I am.

Conclusion

Is this surgery going to make my life perfect, or better, or something else? Absolutely not! I want everyone to be clear on that for your own decisions and also about mine. Will it make the physical part of this journey easier or more to my liking? I think it will do that and while I can conjecture, the ways are still yet to be seen. Still, I was “done” and ready to move on to the “I’m done with this shit and not doing it anymore” phase. I’m now there, 5 days post-op. For anyone interested in the recovery and results, I’ll start an article on that soon. What I’ll tell you up front is the lipo isn’t so bad, but the tummy tuck was pretty intense and will remain sore and painful for awhile.

Thanks for sharing my journey!

<3

Aug 14

Who Are You Really?

Recently someone asked me if I was Liberal or Conservative. She asked because she didn’t want me to be offended by an invitation to a Liberal leaning group on FaceBook. I appreciate that people care enough to ask because so many out there just assume that everyone thinks the same way that they do. I mean, if I like them or they are my friend shouldn’t they be exact replicas of me? (Noooooo!!!!! But that’s not my point so I will not digress.)

I told her that I was in fact more Liberal leaning than Conservative, but that I chose to leave a similar group this year because I could no longer take the drama. What I really couldn’t take was the extremism, and the intolerance. Before some of you Conservatives start smiling and high-fiving, that’s exactly what I don’t like about Conservative groups. Or most groups to be honest.

I realize that we live in a place of polarity. It’s discussed in the Bible (good and evil) and it’s discussed in spiritual circles as well as being a “polarity experiment” where we are learning to integrate into balance. Some could say we are doing a terrible job, and some could say we are exactly on track because people like me no longer buy into a “one or the other” scenario. I can usually see both sides, but prefer a blend where it’s a win-win provided no one is harmed.

I’m going to use Erin’s 7th Angelversary today to briefly step up on a soap box and ask you to look around you at the polarity and the intolerance. We are being asked at every turn to take sides. You’re either for us or against us they say, and there is no tolerance for anything that is other than what our doctrine is. Even science, where the asking of questions and the continuation of asking those questions and honing and enhancing is key, even science is saying don’t question us. If you don’t have a degree in this field don’t question us. And I say, that is contrary to everything that I am and that I know. I have a brain and I can ask questions, and I can make my own decisions. And so can you.

If you are assuming that I’m speaking about a specific subject, well I am, but not solely about that subject. Who are YOU? Are you the person who has no thoughts of their own? Or do you need to know more and go find the information for yourself? Do you follow the leader even if the leader sends you off a cliff to die? Or do you say hey, if we modify the plan this way then I can still live?

Are you the person who cannot examine any new information because you’re afraid that it will change your entire world? If you are, I can help you with that. It will be ok. It’s better to have truth and to evolve than to stagnate and well, not evolve.

Are you the person who persecutes others to keep the status quo? If you are, you can still come home. We will welcome you with loving arms.

Are you afraid to speak up because you will also be persecuted? I am too! I know that you may not have that view of me because I have such a big mouth (LOL) but I am. For the first time in my life I am afraid to speak my truth. I mean really afraid not just timid. But if you are that person, there are more of us out here than you think, quietly waiting for our people to show up so that we can be united in truth and tolerance together. We are here, and we will help you.

Many of us realize that we know nothing about the journey that another has been on, and that to judge them is just plain cruel. And that is how we begin to listen, and to understand, and to find those win-win’s, and that is how we welcome you with a loving embrace even if you have been a cause of that cruelty.

I have lived this earlier in my life, but at that time I don’t remember it being so polarized as it was now. But I’ve been on both sides of this and it’s not pretty. Most people who oppress others don’t even realize that they are the oppressors and are imposing their will on another through some manner of cruelty. I sure didn’t.

Please be kind to others. Please take responsibility for your actions and reactions. Please ask for help if you need to work through fear. Please know that I love you <3

#missingerin today. Erin was kind and loving and I didn’t even have to teach her to be. I hope you can honor her life by being the same.

<3

Aug 03

Beloved

I have not added a title first this time. My guidance keeps shouting the word “Beloved” but honestly I don’t see the fit. So I am rebelling and keeping it for last. The inner shouting is persistent though.

For those of you who follow metaphysical type topics, you may know that we are in an auspicious time of energetic currents with the Lion’s Gate (8:8) upcoming, a new moon, and we just finished the Mayan Galactic Year with the new year on 7/26. This is the year of the White Magnetic Wizard. I love how that sounds and feels.

I’m also having some sort of inner closet clean out going on. It’s the time of year when I have to face down the date of Erin’s body’s death, and the month long shit show that preceded that. It’s also my brother-in-law Greg’s upcoming birthday within the week (remember, he passed the May before Erin very suddenly). And my mother’s 2nd husband, who died earlier this year, has a birthday within this week and he’s been on my mind. He reconnected with me but bless him, I did not have the emotional energy to give him what he needed except very sparingly spread over time. He needed a friend who cared (in summary) and I couldn’t be that for him since I could barely be that for me.

I was walking through Dillard’s on Thursday leaving a hair appointment (yes, my guy works at Dillard’s and he is fantastic), and passed some Southern Living decor and pillows. I thought, oh I like that…and then in a matter of seconds I had this conversation in my mind…

This stuff is for a home that has a family. That isn’t me anymore. (And then I felt bitterness welling up, so I had to stop and recognize the bitterness which was a separate conversation). Well if that isn’t me who am I? What does that mean? What do I embody and how do I represent who I am on the inside on the outside? WTF WTF WTF!?!?!?

All of that before I hit the next section of stuff. I am thankful that I processed it though. I’m still processing it so I guess I should say “recognized it.” **Sigh**

This week I have had other things come to mind and I realized that I am grieving things from my past. The old me. My old life. I heard a good bit of advice from a video that said to stop focusing on things that happened. You just cement them into the timeline and you also attach yourself to that energy and can’t move forward. So I’m doing with that what I can and encourage you to as well.

Just this morning I was informed that time and elements have finally ruined my father’s toolbox, which I’ve had my entire life. It was metal and apparently it and the tools have rusted. I should have kept it inside I suppose, but it’s not something I use, open, or think about. But the idea of throwing it away caused a rather unpleasant reaction. I also no longer want his desk. That and my mother’s bedroom furniture have become a burden. But I grieve them…I grieve the idea of parting with them. I’ve not only parted with people, but I’ve parted with most of my things and their things in this last move. I feel emptiness in that reality.

But I’ve also developed an attitude of “What’s the use?” and it has affected my health. On Erin’s Angelversary this year, I will be having 1/2 my thyroid removed. Sometime post January, it swelled and grew a huge nodule that has ruined the right half. I’ve also got candida in my esophagus, and feel like utter crap. I have a renewed sense of self but the physical damage is done. If you’re wondering, the thyroid can’t be healed and will be better without the physical piece. I can see the photonic outline of the gland though in my mind’s eye … once it’s out the energy and photonic DNA will remain.

Now I know why I am to call this one Beloved. Love and blessings and #missingerin <3

Jun 02

Getting Back into the Groove

Still amazed at my titles. I know that’s probably an odd thing to hear but they just pop out and I say “Huh?” and then I get it.

I knew I needed – and wanted – to write for some time. On the surface, honestly I question as to whether any of this stuff has any value. I mean that both to me and to others. There is only so much you can say about a subject or situation before it’s just a broken-record complaint.

I also don’t have a lot of time to process much of anything, so it’s just been sitting in there stewing like a pot roast in a crock pot. I can’t cry at work – and emotions tend to make me cry since all roads lead to Erin. I can’t cry on the way to work or I will ruin my makeup…but I still do sometimes. I try to enrich myself with philosophical or spiritual audio books…but they make me think of things I could or should have done differently and I cry. And at the end of the day, I’m too damn tired to cry. I just want to do nothing and so I do. On the weekends too (I spent all day yesterday playing Destiny 2. No emotional upheaval there!).

So my sweet cousin recommended a book called Becoming Supernatural by Dr. Joe Dispenza a few days ago, and long story short I downloaded it. I’ve been seeing it in print for years but I never picked it up. It always catches my attention though. The thing is, the title really doesn’t capture the content. I’m like, hey, I’m already supernatural and I don’t need to read this. The book is really about healing though, and opens with a story about a lady named Anna who experienced an emotionally traumatic event that ruined her health.

Cousin, if you’re reading, you probably don’t know that in one of my other lifestreams I am known as Anna. Nice synchronicity <3

Let me digress for a moment…I’ve currently got an issue going on that I thought was gastrointestinal but discovered that I have horseshoe kidneys. I think my nausea, etc. is kidney related but anyway, look at what Louise Hay has to say about kidneys as paraphrased by Wholelifebalance.com:

“the emotions that are attached to toxic relationships, anger, anxiety, dwelling on past issues and being pissed off, are connected to the occurrence of UTIs and kidney stones. Hay believes that this is a fear of letting go.”

Alchemyofhealing.com has a list from her book which notes:

“Kidney Problems: Criticism, disappointment, failure. Shame. Reacting like a child.”

I’m on chapter 4 of Becoming Supernatural, and realized that I wasn’t sure I was ready to heal. What? I’m in deep thought driving to work on Thursday and Friday realizing this, trying to navigate traffic, and thinking about my busy day ahead. So no, I haven’t gone too deep but I am very well aware that I need to. My next thought was why, and when I asked myself out loud I clearly felt I wasn’t worthy and was paying a penance.

All of the things that I would tell you if you were my client or friend…you did the best you could at that moment, you have grown and are a different person now, so on and so forth…I do not allow of myself. I do constantly criticize, I feel I was a failure to more than just Erin. I failed myself. I knew better. Was better. Blah blah. But I wasn’t so I failed there too.

And I tried to put a new spin on it. If I succeed at healing and walking this path, I will be a template maker along with others who also believe that we will physically be with our loved ones again. Yes – there are others! But do you know what sort of reactions I get when I tell people that? Think about your reaction now. There are only a few who believe in the possibility.

I never doubted my beliefs. I told Erin that our bodies do not have to die. I still believe that and will not get into that here, as that’s not the point of this writing. Do you know how hard it was for me to even entertain that after her body died? I’m a member of a small group (comparably) that believe that, and other things. But it’s not tested until it happens to you.

Yet when Erin told me to BELIEVE – she always shows it in all caps – I did, because she said it. Over, and over, and over she said it.

That’s my future self – the future, healthy, whole self. But how can I get there if I can’t invest enough to take the first step? I don’t have that answer yet.

This must be the end as I have lost the train of thought. Oh, I’m also entering menopause which, before the patriarchy, signaled the move from mother into Crone (wise woman). Not feeling very wise, but it seems to fit with where my souls path wants me to go. It’s sort of funny to me actually.

And on that note, I encourage all of you ladies to read Lisa Lister’s Love Your Lady Landscape. Totally different topic entirely, but I love it and want to share.

Love, blessings, and still #missingerin <3

    Mar 29

    Troubled Times

    I am troubled, by lots of things. I hopefully finally became unblocked, but in order to get there I woke up during the night with a very vivid image of my mother in a specific dress that she wore during the 80’s. It is associated with a very bad time in my life for many reasons and with feelings I have towards her that I have not let go of. This is relevant to the rest of what I want to talk about today, so I mention it up front.

    I recently posted something on FaceBook by (I think) Trevor Noah, who was explaining the spirit behind the idea of reparations to those of African descent whose ancestors were slaves. I knew that it would stir up some stuff, but it was so nicely explained that I had to post it. I agree with it after all, and I hoped it would reach at least one person.

    Unfortunately the same players (they are always the same) bitched and griped about it being about money. I suppose even though I didn’t take the time there to explain this, yes it is about money. BECAUSE MONEY IS A FORM OF ENERGY EXCHANGE. A lot of energy was taken from this group of people on the unseen level and they are still feeling the effects. But from a purely 3D level, our ancestors really fucked these folks. Don’t you feel like maybe you can finally pay the debt left to you?

    So that wasn’t what I was getting at but it had to be said. I’ve struggled over the past few days. This handful of people are representative of a lot of people, and on the surface they are nice people. I like or have liked them in the past, had an affinity for them. But their words don’t match what I thought they were on the inside. My role should be to extend them love and kindness regardless, and to provide a better example should they notice it. But there’s a part of me that just wants to say Adios and move on. I’m troubled – what do I do? How violently do I say no, that’s not right and I’m not standing for it? It’s not my role to judge – do I just smile and send love and thus – IN A 3D SENSE – indicate agreement?

    I’m walking between worlds here. My entire being has changed so much that I find I cannot live in the true sense of the word in the 3rd dimensional way of things. I can’t understand the lack of kindness, of love, and the greediness or mindset of “MINE – NOT YOURS!” I can’t understand why someone would hate all Muslims, or blacks, or women or whatever. I can’t stand the hypocrites and the assholes. And I don’t know how to continue going about my day to day life feeling bewildered and sad about it. I’ve got enough to be bewildered and sad about.

    Which brings me back to my mother. It is clear that I have not let my disdain for who she was go. I wrote last year about seeing her in the in between dimension, and how happy I was to see her. It was her best self, not who she was here. I’m holding her hostage and me too by holding on to the past, but it was real, and it happened, and goddamn it all I wanted was acknowledgement from her that I never got. I experienced all that was my childhood and while this life may be an illusion, it’s a real one that sucks.

    I don’t know how to reconcile that with who I am now, who she is. I don’t know how to reconcile the ugly words and attitudes of people that I know with the light, dim as it may be, that I see within them. I don’t know how to lovingly say “Hey, you are an asshole. You need to be nice” and have them receive it (because, you know, they won’t). I don’t even know why I bother, or why I am bothered, because I can’t do a damn thing about how others conduct themselves.

    I am troubled for the entire world, and if I’m being honest, for the fact that I’m stuck here and can’t escape it. I’ve got some job to do before I find the key and door out of here and I’m so tired of waiting to be given the details. If it’s being a light in the face of a shit storm, I am trying.

    And yes, all of this under the tremendous weight of missing Erin. For anyone who wonders, it is never ending. I wake up thinking of her, face it during my day many times, and go to bed with her as my last thought. Love is the only thing keeping me going, which is why I keep emphasizing it to everyone. I guess maybe that’s my purpose for continuing on. #missingerin

    Mar 23

    Unstopping the Drain

    I am constipated. Really, badly constipated. And I have been for awhile. One day a month or so ago I realized it was because I’m holding everything in. It coincidentally began around the time I stopped writing and started holding everything in.

    By holding in, I’m not just talking about my grief and sadness. I mean things I want to share – anything. Either I don’t want to deal with it, or don’t have time to stop and do this. It’s all just stuck up inside of me.

    Funny thing is, what does come out comes in little balls, which is appropriate because that’s what I let out. Bite sized bouts of grief, of sharing, of anything. I realize hearing about my lack of poop is TMI but I’m sharing just in case YOU have this problem, and to tell you not to ignore your guidance. I have ignored mine since I received it and it got worse. UGH.

    There’s no way that I can share 4-5 months of stuff, and I still feel bottled up but this is a start. I want to begin offering spiritual sharings again. I have a deep desire to be in service to others but still don’t know quite what my niche is. I need a tax break so may get a business license again – that’s a win/win because I can offer some services or products (which I enjoy) and help my bottom line. Who knows where that will lead me.

    So…that’s it for now. I had to pull the plug somehow and this is a start. Love and blessings to everyone, and #missingerin <3

    Nov 12

    Another Way

    Yes, something inspired my post this morning. I have hemmed and hawed about whether to express at all. If I express myself I am fighting against something? If I don’t I am silencing my own voice. But I am entitled to an opinion and a viewpoint of life just like everyone else. So, I’m going to tell you all some things about me.

    I feel to the depths of my being that being free from censorship and cancellation is the foundation for any other freedom that someone might want for their lives or the lives of their fellow citizens. I have witnessed, and I have been subject to, that freedom being taken away over the past 4 years. It has disturbed me and it has saddened me and I have sat quietly through most of it for fear of being ridiculed, labeled, and discriminated against. That includes personally, on social media, and at work. Without the foundation of open debate and discussion, my views, wants, and needs were never heard. I should have never allowed myself to be silenced, but seeing lost jobs, bank accounts being frozen, and strife among friends and family caused me to choose silence. While I felt a sigh of relief on November 5, I am still scarred. It may take me a minute to be comfortable again. I am not comfortable writing this now.

    My body my choice is a fallacy in today’s world. No one gave me and countless others a choice to take a vaccine. I was threatened with my job, I was told I was contagious when I wasn’t even sick, I was told I was a danger, that I was selfish, and many other things. I learned to keep quiet about it…but I could not because I was forced to wear a mask at work so I essentially wore a Scarlet Letter. I was not sick. The evidence that masks do not work and cause more harm than good was ignored. The theory behind vaccinations preventing illness was ignored and somehow I was the dangerous one. I was one of the very few who received a religious exemption and I thank the universe for that one. I lost hair from the stress and I was facing losing my home and everything else that my paycheck provides for me. Don’t get me started on the prospect of a Digital ID to show my vaccine status. I am scarred from this and I will never, ever forget it.

    I believe in abortion but I do not believe in it after a certain point. We need to find that happy medium and support people who were sexually abused or have dire medical conditions. A fetus is not a baby, and at which point it is might be debatable but there should be a way for us to support young people who made mistakes (early on). I’m fine with tracking how many someone has had because it should not be birth control. No more reckless abandon. We should also be holding men more accountable for what they do with their sperm. There is never a stigma on the males, and there should not be a stigma on anyone but they are also responsible so let’s hold them accountable. Let’s also support life after birth. I think Bobby Kennedy is trying to do that and I am tickled that he is going to play a role in our world very soon.

    And lastly, I am strongly opposed to any physical intervention to modify the body in persons under age 25. Did you know what you wanted for the rest of your life before that age? I didn’t. I still don’t but I’m mature enough to know that. This is why I don’t have a tattoo 🙂 For the record, I’m perfectly fine with and encourage you to allow your boys to wear dresses and your girls to play with trucks IF THEY WANT TO. They are experimenting with life and allowing them the freedom to do so is allowing them to find their own way. And if – and when – they change their mind no harm was done. You can’t regrow body parts and it is irresponsible for adults to encourage or allow this type of behavior with children. Children rely on adults for protection. So go out there and pull up your big girl pants and protect the sanctity of childhood. And adults, you can go on as you damn well please with your bodies and lifestyle because you are adults.

    Yes I mentioned lifestyle. I mean sex and openly discussing and engaging in sexual activity. I had enough of that as a young child with a heterosexual parent and it did not enrich my childhood. It made me feel disgusting and vulnerable and I would never want that for my child. And she didn’t have that. She was innocent and spectacular because I allowed her to grow up at her own pace. That’s one thing I am proud of.

    I am still angry, and I am still scarred. And I still miss Erin. But I can freely express it, so that is something.

    Oct 18

    Ready to Go

    Maybe I should say Ready, Set, Go! I feel as if I am waiting for the starting gun and in the meantime, I am expending all sorts of energy on what I will do once it goes off. That is exhausting y’all.

    If I were a runner, I would know that my only job is to sprint until I see a finish line and that will be my next rest point. I don’t have many logistics that I have to understand ahead of time, if any. I just have to go from A to B. Really I don’t even have to win in this “race” that I’m on! Moving forward is enough. Yet, I’m so excited about it.

    As I type I realize that most of you are probably like “This lady is crazy – what is she talking about?” Well I’m talking about the next phase of our ascending journey. There is a lot of shit going down in the world, and in the US where I live, but you have to admit it’s an exciting time to be alive and witnessing it.

    Our upcoming Presidential election will determine the status of many if not most of our civil liberties and general safety and security. And as I type that, I see that there is the same sentiment on both sides of our political fence when it comes to the general population. I invite you to see that your “opponent” might feel your views are the same threat that you perceive in them, and both are valid. I submit that there is a 3rd path and that all 3 are truths.

    We as a planet have yet to understand, much less achieve, unity in any form. When we try we typically have failed attempts even when the people are on board with it because one group tries to force something on everyone. Even peace is a great example. Someone bombs a country for instance, decimates families, and then swoops in and says now we will have peace. They may even enforce that peace with deadly force. So there may be a lack of violence but no peace. It’s a false unity.

    What is missing is free will and the emotional component. Think of the Borg (from Star Trek if you are unfamiliar – Google them!). They work in perfect harmony but it isn’t real. Much has been lost to include free will and individuality. It was a high cost and it is a false unity. What we are driving towards is a unity where we remain individuals. How or when we get there is a mystery to me. After the 2020 events, I now know what it does not look like but have yet to understand fully what it does look like.

    Still, I am energized about the events that will take us into next year! Like I said, what an exciting time to be alive. I invite you to embrace the opportunities for change and new ways of thinking as we move ahead. We can all take a collective deep breath and put one foot in front of the other <3

    If you have something to share please do. I’d love to hear how you embrace other opinions or just change in general.

    Oct 11

    The Road Home

    Some of you may remember that I type a title without knowing what I am going to write most of the time. Today was one of those times, but now I know exactly what I want to write. I was called to write, nudged if you will, and I answered that call and got back on the road towards home. Home is my calling, my purpose, my mission. I don’t yet know where Home resides, but I know that if I am headed that way then I’m going in the right direction.

    Many of us want to know where the final destination is. We are working towards a goal. Personally, if I know where the endpoint is I can muddle – or suffer – through the journey. I often read the last page of a book or look up an emotionally difficult TV show episode to help me with that. But we can’t do that in life can we? Even knowing a probability for your life will influence the outcome, so the outcome will change even if slightly.

    Knowing a fixed point will at least influence your journey. If I had known that Erin would die, how might I have proceeded differently? Would I have learned anything at all? I believe her death was a fixed point and I also believe that I would not have gotten the point(s) if I had known. Oddly it has kept me pointed in the right direction on my journey home, even though I stop and deviate along the way.

    Writing is one area I have deviated. I have written about it before and don’t want to beat a dead horse, but I got sick of hearing myself talk. Funny how the inner dialogue never shut up though! Anything negative or positive just stayed bottled up in there and well, that’s not healthy either. My attempt to not identify with a specific story didn’t turn out very well.

    At what point in talking do we stop being our story? I’m not sure but I’ve been pondering since listening to a recent KerryK video. I love her by the way so go check out her YouTube channel and her Plasma Light Tribe on her website. Do you have a story that you identify with that you didn’t realize defined your life? If you do post in the comments. I would love to explore it with you.

    I don’t know how to not be The Grieving Mother. It has defined my life. But I am more and I am Becoming more every day. How do I still miss my daughter while not being that? How do I talk about the real life and implications of it without being it? I think that’s what I was looking to manage when I stopped writing. I still do not know how but I am going to set the intention for the highest good and roll with it. Suppressing has ruined my thyroid and left me with a frequent hoarse voice. My throat chakra is angry and wouldn’t you be if you had been silenced?

    I’m glad to be back on the road home and welcome you to join me. We can walk alone and together <3

    Oct 06

    Home

    This week I read a blog post by Jenny Schiltz called It’s Time to Come Home. I had no idea that it would evoke a healing response for me when I did, or even a new understanding of what home means for me.

    For reference, I have been seeking home most of my life, even when I don’t intend to. I grew up in an apartment but little me didn’t realize it wasn’t a permanent home. My family life was upended when my father died at age 4, and then for the rest of my childhood I did not feel safe or feel like I had sanctuary most of the time. It wasn’t stable, so I learned to exert any measure of control that I had to provide a stable environment for myself. As I got older, I tried harder and had more control but sometimes at the cost of personal relationships. Even when I tried to not bully someone into compliance with my needs, I ultimately did out of a need to protect my inner child who desperately needed sanctuary.

    Sanctuary is a word I have used to refer to what I need many times. I have always believed that if I had an unwavering sanctuary, I could navigate the chaos that has always been my life much easier. As an adult, I always assumed this was my home – my house. But do you know how many times i have moved? In my marriage alone we have owned around 7 homes, and moved a few more times than that. None of them has stuck for various reasons. Even when we “had” to move for a good reason, I have to acknowledge that as a co-creator of my reality it was purposeful for other reasons.

    And I have never found sanctuary, or felt at home. I have always known these were temporary places. I refused to scatter my pet’s ashes, or bury them. I have planned before to dig up trees that could still be dug up that I wanted to keep and move them. I stopped hanging pictures. All of the things you do when you don’t expect to stay, even though I thought I did. And let’s not forget that most of my close family are dead. I have a small handful of blood relations that are still alive that I am moderately close to, and I have no children alive. My husband and I are an island in a vast ocean and I have felt as if I have no anchor and no solace from the storm.

    Let me circle back around and say that years ago – too many to remember now – I changed my website name from BlueStarServices.net to BlueStarHome.net. At the time I wanted to get away from the Services portion as I was no longer offering readings and such. That’s another story, but I don’t know why I chose “home” to replace it. I thought at one point it was the home of those of the Blue Star, but that didn’t really stick either. I have regretted that decision because do you know how long that URL is to type? LOL really, but I knew I had to keep it.

    One part of Jenny’s blog post really struck me…

    Being home is walking fully in my purpose, my knowing, and trusting fully in that knowing and connection. To be here, fully here, no longer in resistance to all that I am, all that I was, and all that I will be.

    I mean, wow, Home. I don’t know how to explain it to you but I got it as soon as I read it. And for the first time in, well, ever, I felt home.

    But I realized too that I had been nesting if you will. I set the stage long ago with the website name, but in the last year I have been preparing my home. That includes not only my physical house but my body. I needed vehicles that were livable, agreeable, and sustainable for me. I think I was finally preparing to stay here, versus being a transient. I have always felt transient both in my living circumstances and on this planet. And even though I knew I was here for a reason, I did not want to stay here after Erin vacated her body.

    I can’t tell you that my feelings about Erin have changed, but I can tell you that I am finally invested in this shitshow that I came to support (i.e., Earth and the ascension of humanity) and interested in staying. I’m actively taking steps, and wanting to take steps, to do things to my house and have recently gotten the tummy tuck and liposuction so my body has changed. I am not trying to do something drastic, but I want to look and feel more like me if I’m going to be here.

    I’m still human, so I may have to remind myself that about my purpose and my knowing and connection, but now that I have felt it I think I can get back there a little quicker when I forget.

    Hugs and love <3

    Sep 27

    The Tummy Tuck – 2 Weeks In

    I promised that I would come back and tell you about my Tummy Tuck and Lipo, so here I am. I’m one day shy of 2 weeks in today.

    I guess everyone is different, but the lipo was a walk in the park compared to the tummy tuck in terms of healing and pain. I would do lipo again if I needed to, but hope to have a one and one tuck!

    The Surgery

    I can’t speak for every doctor, but it’s clear that most surgeons use their office vs the hospital for cosmetic procedures these days. And it was fine, except that the discharge process was a bit different in that I had to bring in my own meds (the prescriptions I had filled). If you have this done, make sure that you bring your meds, or you have to wait until you get home for pain medication!

    Recovery

    They got me up and I was straight out the door. I remember going home and being put in the bed, but for about 2 days I don’t remember much else. They sent me with a catheter too, which came out the next day. But I didn’t drink much liquid after because I didn’t want to get up and pee. I had to obviously, so I finally did. It was all clearly painful, but due to Percocet and Flexeril, I didn’t much care!

    I went for a follow up appointment on the second day, and they removed my compression garments and redressed my wounds. I had not had meds since 3am that morning and didn’t take any more, but it took me another 3 days to “sober up.” I felt pretty crummy that Monday (day 5 post op) and was very sore.

    By sore, let me clarify. The lipo sore was different and was/is more like a bruise if I stretched too far or pressed too hard on those areas. Probably the same soreness as being in an accident if I had to guess. But the tummy tuck was/is very tight. They stretch the skin and it tightens you, and while it starts out numb over time the nerves wake up. So lots of uncomfortable aches and pains with my midsection that are ongoing.

    I also had taken a lot of Colace (stool softener). Constipation from narcotics wasn’t an option as you aren’t supposed to strain or push too hard. But it made my stool so soft for so many days, all I did was push to get it out! I’m guessing that I haven’t done any damage, but it remains on my mind. I also developed a cough within the last 3 days, which I think is congestion from both being intubated and the laying in bed for so long. I’m not sure what i could have done differently, but take it under advisement. Anyway, the coughing has me holding my stomach each time to avoid blowing my stitches or stretching the muscle or tearing it. I’m pretty sure I’m ok, but I’m also OCD. So there’s that.

    I was also sent home with two drains, presumably from the tummy tuck and not the lipo. I got the first drain out after 1 week, but do not get the second out until week 2 appointment (from the time of this writing, tomorrow). It is very uncomfortable and I’m ready for it to be out. I think the compression garment will be much more palatable after it comes out.

    You aren’t supposed to remove the garments, and they have a large pee/poop hole in them. So far so good, but I’m sure I’m peeing on it at least some. I’ve washed it once so far, mostly because it feels very odd to remove it. And remember I’m OCD about the whole thing. Thankfully I only leave to go to the doctor and have had zero visitors. I have read that some take it down to poop, but there are tons of hooks on both sides and also zippers. And I need my stomach compressed to poop. The whole thing feels weird, but my stomach is flat!

    Also, I’m a hot sleeper, and these garments are burning me up! I have one from my knees to under my breasts and a second past my elbows and on my torso, down to meet the other one. I have a sleep number bed which makes that the no-brainer for me to sleep in (you have to prop up, and back sleeping for awhile), otherwise I’d have done my husband a favor and slept in the other room. I’m freezing him to death with the A/C plus fan.

    I am also NOT a back sleeper! It hurts my neck and gives me a headache. I cannot explain the mechanics to you so just trust me. I did buy one of those travel pillows (horseshoe) and it has helped some, but I finally just ordered some cervical pillow from Amazon. It will be here tomorrow. Better late than never. I’ve woken up with a headache during the night consistently for over a week.

    My doctor also told me last week to start walking. So I’m getting out at least once a day and doing a short neighborhood walk in my pajama bottoms and a hoodie to cover my drains. I move slow but am mobile!

    I can’t yet wear underwear. Too constricting. And I don’t very much like that personally so giving you a heads up if that’s an issue for you.

    To summarize, I’m on day 13 post op, and still very sore in my midsection. Things are healing but that also means nerves waking up and feeling pains I may not have had the day before. Lots of burning areas (not severe, just uncomfortable), pains when my abdomen firms up for any reason (pushing, coughing, etc.). And lots of itching where incisions are healing.

    The compression garments will need to be worn for at least another 4 weeks, maybe longer. The shape/weight loss won’t manifest for awhile either. I’m not yet at the stage where I will see result, or be able to exercise to maintain the results. But I have changed my eating habits.

    If you have the means and want a tummy tuck, don’t wait. I suspect the first two weeks are the hardest because it’s getting better every day. I’m glad I did it, and will post more of this journey later <3

    Dec 27

    Healing the Mother

    I’ve written about “The Mother” before and it has been one of my core issues this entire lifetime. My relationship with my mother touched every other relationship I have had, as well as influenced my triggers and patterns. Some girls have daddy issues – not me. Mine are all mother issues.

    And I’ve tried to heal those for years. To give you a recap, I started doing emotional clearing work way back in the mid to late 90’s and it helped me tremendously! But I never could peel back the onion layers and release my mother from blame. I’m not even sure I peeled back one layer, other than to recognize that she did the best she could with what she was given. I recognized it, but refused to give her any credit for that.

    One of my biggest sources of bitterness comes from the fact that I never got to be a child in this lifetime. I have a feeling I have carried heavy loads in others, and I really just wanted a nice life here. You know, maybe not June and Ward Cleaver for parents but some normal, easy existence. I needed downtime. Instead I got a short 6-7 years of normal and then proceeded to have to be the adult in nearly every situation that arose after that. I still clinch up with anger just writing about it.

    How did I handle each of those situation? With anger of course. And I thank the anger, because it kept me going and fueled me through things that I did not want to handle. Most of the time I ran from whatever it was until I had to take action. I still have that pattern…right now I need to call someone about a business issue and I don’t want to. I will push this out until I absolutely have to do it rather than just getting it over with. But emotionally I just can’t go there yet. And I’m not yet angry, just bewildered.

    My mother died 7 years ago tomorrow, and even in her death she put me in a situation that was at the least an inconvenience but was again taking me away from a sliver of enjoyment and peace. And I did what I do…at first I refused to return home but after about a day of realizing she was going to pass, I decided to come home early from getting away from (yes you read that correctly – from) the holidays. I was bitter and angry on the return home, but managed to put that aside when I got here. I had to toughen up to sit with another close family member as they died.

    Reflecting on that last night, I realized that she had continued to give me the gift of dysfunction right up until her death, and truthfully many times in dreamstate over the last 7 years. I was able to thank her and release her from that blame. For reference, that doesn’t magically wipe away my emotions towards it but now I understand things and can begin to process and heal. Also for reference, I can be a slow learner, and always get the shitty, hard lessons several times until I get it. I’m stubborn that way.

    During my dreamstate last night, I had an opportunity once again as I was in some reality where my mother had dementia again but was not in a nursing home. She had gone missing the day before and I had not taken any steps to find her. Because I didn’t want to deal with it. When she returned home and I found out where she had been, I was angry. The lady she was with should have known better (this very thing happened with several folks before she was diagnosed but wasn’t quite right!) And I was mad at her for being her. But instead of reacting with anger, I touched her shoulders and said Mom, you have a serious medical condition and proceeded to tell her I need to ensure her safety and that she can’t go off like that anymore. I did it calmly. And she was still in enough of a right-mind to understand and hear me.

    I consider myself an expert in emotional clearing work and I had a good teacher, too. One thing I know is that you can realize what needs to be done and even feel it – much like I did before bed last night – but it’s another thing to put it into action and change your own reactions. Also, so many people think that if they change themselves that the world automatically changes to meet them. That is not the case, and also, you will be tested! Did you think you could learn a new skill and not show it off?! Sometimes that test doesn’t come for awhile, but mine came right off last night in a dream that was just barely lucid. That is pertinent because I was reacting authentically and not based on “oh, I just released my mother now let me act this way.”

    Now that I was able to demonstrate that towards her, I will surely have an opportunity with someone else. I hope I can act decently to them despite how many triggers are touched. And I hope that you will be gentle on yourself if you are trying on a new way of being. Old habits die hard. They are encoded in our mind and our cells and they have to be rewritten like a software program. Do the best you can and do better each time. You are an in-progress thing, never fully complete

    Blessings to you <3

    Dec 03

    Coming Home

    Take your pick. “Elizabeth, I’m coming to join you honey!” or “Mama I’m coming home.” Even with spiritual topics I have a barrage of pop culture references flowing through my mind. It connects me to this world and to that world so that I can bridge the two. We are meant to be both you know, not just one or the other.

    We are in an astrological season where we are having many events happen in the sign of Scorpio. I am not an astrologer and only have a cursory understanding of how the planets work together to form geometry in the universe. But I recently did a deep dive into the physics of this topic and it was fascinating. I learned how that geometry expresses a harmonic, and that harmonic (sound and vibration) affects us here. Isn’t that fascinating? After understanding that it all made sense to me, at least on a basic level. I had yet to understand the relationship which is why I am explaining it to you now. Most of us – even believers – don’t understand it.

    So that said, my rudimentary knowledge of Scorpio is that when something is affected by Scorpio, you enter a shit load of shadow work. Maybe even a Dark Night of the Soul. Maybe in simpler terms you face the darkness and your darkness. You are forced to sit with it and get to know and understand it before the light comes back in and cheers you back up.

    Without listing all of the Scorpio influenced events, and I can’t because I didn’t record them, we had a Scorpio new moon way back in November (4th) and the recent lunar eclipse was in Scorpio. Tomorrow’s solar eclipse is in Scorpio. We haven’t faced all of our darkness yet or felt all of the scorpion’s stings.

    Note that I am not commenting on the sign of Scorpio. I am not that well-versed. I also lean towards Vedic (sidereal) astrology vs the Western Tropical. If you’d like to learn more I suggest Joni Patry and Komilla Sutton.

    My point in all of this is to say that if you are struggling, it’s expected. Try to really get the most out of this auspicious period and ride the waves to the other side. One way to do that is to focus on the spirit of this Holiday season (all of them). You don’t have to be religious to soak up all of the goodness of kindness and good will towards others. Do things that bring you joy and dump the rest. You can always update your traditions to fit your unique wants and needs. Do not feel guilty about that. If you love tacos instead of turkey, eat tacos for your holiday dinner. It’s really just that easy.

    If you put out a lot of money and time and no one is happy including you, change what you are doing. Your family will likely push back. Why? No one likes change. It SCARES them! We hold traditions so sacred because it gives us the illusion of control over what we experience in life. So don’t throw it all out, but work together to find something that truly brings you joy instead of binds you into anger, guilt, and sorrow.

    Also don’t be surprised if you find yourself going through a personal overhaul during this period. I mean your beliefs, your outlook, even your physical circumstances. I’m going through that myself right now. I actually had a dream two nights ago where I woke up asleep at the wheel. At first I was shocked that I had driven – even made turns! – without having a wreck. I was going over 60 mph too, and coming up on a car and had to apply the breaks after the initial shock was gone. This dream is absolutely self-explanatory, but I confess I’m not sure what to do now. Your dreams may be cloaked in symbolism, but you will always know what they mean to you. Those are the key words – TO YOU. You always get messages that you can decode.

    I had another waking epiphany. It suddenly dawned on me that I have been childish in my life, and I know why but the feeling and realization indicates it’s time for change. I resented not being able to be a child. I was mentally mature for my age, but my mother was also very immature and I had to be the adult from about age 7 onward. I resented this and if I’m honest, part of me still does. It has played out in many forms but it’s time for me to grow up so to speak. That means making some changes. Change still sucks, but it will be ok.

    During this epiphany, I heard the words “it’s time to come home.” And I knew then it was time for me to stop what I’m doing and come back to my authentic self. It was the next sleep that I had the asleep at the wheel message, and remember I woke up.

    I would submit to you that it’s time for all of us to come home. I wish you much love and blessings on your journey there.

    <3

    Nov 16

    Thoughts about Loss and the Holidays

    In the fall of the year leading to winter, it is natural to contemplate death and loss. In ancient traditions the sun was waning and they did not yet have the promise of spring showing in the sky.

    I started getting OneDrive reminders about pictures “on this day” awhile ago. It was unexpected but I feel obligated to open them. I’ve lost so many people dear to me, and it’s one way that I can briefly honor their memory but not get overwhelmed.

    Well, I got overwhelmed this morning. I’m getting pictures that Erin took on my phone for what she wanted for Christmas. These would have been in the last few years of her life because that’s when she got into Monster High. I would assume she got both of the dolls that were in the picture but no longer remember.

    There is a lot that I no longer remember, and that bothers me too. I have forgotten many of her friend’s names and what they looked like. There are times that I have trouble conjuring up an image of Erin or remembering what her voice sounded like. But the pain of not having her here is still the same, and it weighs heavily on me.

    There is nothing I wouldn’t give to have her back, but I would not go and change the events that have occurred. They changed me deeply, and I feel like I am a better person as a result. It could have gone the other way, but I made a conscious decision to honor her life by being better. Her leaving this plane could not be for nothing. I have not given up on seeing her again, but I’m letting go of wondering how, when, etc.

    Erin and I used to read an old Solstice story about the Sun King dying. It had a happy ending and the Wise Old Crone said to them “There is never an end to life. This is the great mystical secret of the Winter Solstice.” The King was re-birthed as a baby of course, to grow and gain strength as the Spring approached.

    I know it isn’t Thanksgiving yet, but I wanted to share this story with you as I lament my own loss. I know so many of you are missing someone, and the holidays as our culture does them aren’t a big help with that.

    If you are having a hard time, do what you must to survive the season. Hunker down, stay at home or go be with people. Do what makes you happier. For some that will be cocooning for self-preservation and for some that will be sharing joy with others. It might be different based on the day and how you feel, so be gentle. Don’t be afraid to cancel plans, or to make them. There is no rule here other than to take care of yourself and be kind to others.

    As for me, Erin’s birthday is December 11 (18th) and I guess I am acknowledging that this begins a month plus of difficulty. I may disappear and not be seen or heard, or I may go out and fill my time in order to think of something besides missing her. I will smile when you speak of your loved ones, but I will not ask about them because it hurts my heart. And I will feel guilty for not being happy for your happiness.

    Love and blessings <3 and #missingerin <3