The good news is that something changed for me on Thursday of last week. I may have mentioned it. It is like the sadness and grief took on another tone, one perhaps more tolerable. I say that almost not believing it, because it isn’t any constant relief, but it is at least different. I have taken refuge in some research on various topics, and also on constantly refreshing FaceBook. Yes, I know that’s not healthy, but it keeps my mind occupied.
Last night I decided to go ahead and create a sub-domain off of this site for Erin specifically. It was also keeping me occupied, but as I wrote her complete history, and I got to the few weeks before she died, I had to stop. It was too depressing. I felt I was reliving that and I couldn’t do it yesterday. I hope to get some actual content up before I release the URL but when I am up to it, I will do so.
I have realized that this is all completely unreal to me. I still cannot believe she is gone. Maybe, I believe it less now. And while that doesn’t make any sense it seems to be what my brain is doing to make sense of things.
A nice lady that Shaun works with offered to make a memory quilt out of Erin’s t-shirts. I think I might like this as a way to see and save her things. But there is a part of me that knows that once they are “cut up” they can’t be worn. That’s a little final for me right now (as if death isn’t final enough). Well I will take it one day at a time.
Several of you have sent me pictures and even videos of Erin. If you have them and haven’t sent them, please do. If you need to do it via the internet I will set up an FTP account for you to transfer to. I find myself seeking out seeing and hearing her a few times a day now. It makes me smile until it makes me cry.
I love you all and thank you for your support. I may not get any Erin content up later today, since my cousin is coming to visit for the night. So I will leave you with a few pictures, and a video link.
Click here for Erin giving a tour of her playroom, etc. in our old house. This is the one I mention I yell at her near the end. I hate to hear that now 🙁 But she wasn’t supposed to be on my phone and had picked it up anyway.
This is her “Fairy Garden.” It is supposed to be a fake rock, and used to be gray, but this year she wanted to paint it green so we did. She always had me get petunias for it. Truthfully they did not grow well – ever. But when Shaun and I came back from Birmingham this and a small flower bed near it had blossomed. It is so amazing, I wonder if the fairies didn’t do it for Erin <3
A bit faded, but Erin painted this birdhouse about 3-4 years ago. It has sat outside and since I don’t want it to fade anymore I brought it in now. Notice the little birdy she drew on the front of it. She was so sweet and artistic.
And finally, Erin and Daddy on 3/21/2014 at an activity at Children’s Hospital. She was in for her PICC line. You can see how good she looks then and how happy she was.
Love and hugs,
Nicole
