I managed to make it through yesterday and today, thanks to one of my cousins coming to visit me and keeping me occupied. That was nice, and it mostly kept my mind off of the elephant in the room.
I have noticed that today I’ve developed a tremor in my right hand. Not only is it jumpy, I am having trouble completely controlling it. My guess is nerves and stress.
About the time they left today, I knew I was becoming very depressed. I *should* have passed this “stage” but I am still in disbelief. Is she really gone? Knowing the answer is devastating, again. I seem to have images of her last days in ICU that flood my mind. I am conflicted between not wanting to forget, and not wanting to remember. I would like to do both, but obviously neither is completely possible even alone.
I swear I can see Erin in every room when I walk into it. I see how she stood, held her body, her hair, etc. I found some of her teeth in my drawer, and the Tooth Fairy money that I had put back for when she lost the last two that were loose. Maybe you will laugh – I thought of the fact that since I have her DNA, I could clone her. I guess that is the “bargaining” phase. I know, even if I did clone her it wouldn’t be “her” but you know, I would feel somewhat better. Next time you grieve someone you love, tell me you don’t have the same thoughts.
At least I did finally dream of her last night. She was a little younger, and I don’t remember the whole idea but it had something to do with getting some healing food. It wasn’t actually food, but some engineered substance that had a strange “number type” name. But it was highly prized, and many were in line for it. I remember giving it to her. She didn’t speak. I have been visited by the dead before in dreams and honestly, they usually don’t speak. Not sure why but I hope she breaks the cycle with me and speaks. I lucid dream and know these are real experiences. It’s hard to explain if you have never experienced that but I encourage you to read about lucid dreaming if you never have read about it.
I am sad today and just wanted to share my thoughts, but my darn right hand is bothering me a bit and so I’m going to go back to reading. I have some reading homework from the grief therapist from a book called “The Grief Recovery Handbook” by John W. James and Russell Friedman. They are founders of The Grief Recovery Institute, and the therapist is certified in their program. I have put it off, but hopefully it will be helpful.
Enjoy these pictures of Erin in the meantime, all taken at the Stafford’s house on 8/19/2011. It was the morning after my 40th birthday, and Erin had spent the night with Anna Kate because I got taken out to Lee Ann’s for my birthday. They look like they were having a bundle of fun.
Erin, Mommy loves you <3
