I wasn’t sure what I was going to write about today. I did not want to write about my tale of woe. I am tired of hearing it, but do understand that sometimes I am going to need to get it out. But I’m tired of hearing it. I have been sharing less of it with others. It may still come out in my tone, or my topic of conversation. Understand that I will be eternally sad about Erin’s passing, no matter if I were told by someone with authority that she died to save our planet. That’s just an example – there will never be any consolation.
But that said, I was chatting with someone this morning via FB that had a very serious issue with her brain, and she should have died, but she lived and is completely normal. She made a full recovery. She is one of those miracles. And I am glad she did, because while I knew her before, I didn’t *know* her, and now I do. And I am very pleased to know her.
One of the questions that I have been dealing with internally, is why. Perhaps they are statements too. As I began to feel better, I returned to what I know. (I say this with a disclaimer – what I know today, I may have a better understanding of tomorrow. I may also see how wrong I was and discard it entirely.) So what I have come to understand is that each Spirit (your personality here), each Soul (your “big” self), makes the decision to stay or go in a life and death situation. You see miracles all the time, and by that what I mean is someone who should be dead (bullet to the brain for instance) or who actually did die, and yet here they are. Sometimes they are disabled and sometimes they make a full recovery. But sometimes they choose to die and leave this place for whatever is next on their journey. I’m sure that you, readers, have already formulated several ideas in your mind based on your personal beliefs.
Well, I have asked myself – asked HER – why on several occasions. I begged her while she was unconscious to stay. I told her that whatever she needed, we would make changes to accommodate. I told her that I needed her, and that Puppy and Buffy needed her, and Daddy needed her. And her friends. And I knew that she could wake up if she wanted to. But her Soul chose to go. And that makes me wonder – why? Was I a bad Mommy? Was her life miserable? Did she think that after such a horrible illness, that she would have a horrible recovery or that we couldn’t deal with it? Did I not spend enough time at her bedside? Was it because I couldn’t hug and hold her? (Too many tubes and needles – but that broke my heart.) Did she not feel loved?
Or did she have something really pressing or important to do “on the other side?” That would be some small consolation. Perhaps my biggest fear is that this was my lesson and not hers. What could I have possibly done in another lifetime that would warrant this sort of pain? And why couldn’t I avoid it in this life by learning something sooner?
I know that I have control issues. They stem from childhood. I understand them, but I do still have a need to control my environment. I could not control anything about Erin’s illness, but my strong mind thought maybe it could drive things towards a resolution and healing. In the end I knew it was out of my control. I believe that I have learned that lesson, and I sure hope that wasn’t the reason she made a choice to leave.
My questions of Why, they are really 3D, and by that I mean ego-centric, mundane, not every enlightened. But hopefully these will lead to a more enlightened approach. The emotion of grief is so dense and dark, that you have to work through it in order to get to anything lighter. I am already soul-searching, trying to find meaning in this thing that happened. I will never get over it, but if I cannot move on then I have definitely failed the test.
Peace and blessings to you today. I hope that all of us find healing where and when we need it.
