Well I took no pictures of my hike. I don’t know why but I completely forgot. It was hot, and I am out of shape and thus was sweaty and out of breath when I got to the place where I knew I was going to sit for awhile. I ended up sitting in the dirt! There was a butterfly in front of a tree, next to the trail I was on, so I plopped down right there.
I had been sitting a minute when I heard traffic, and a nice man who lives in the neighborhood was coming towards me. Once he went on his way, I set the intention to be alone. I stated out loud that this was deeply personal and I needed to be alone. And after that, I was.
I got out my big crystal that I brought, a candle, and Erin’s small green monkey (she has a bigger version of the same green monkey so this is the “small” one). I don’t know why, but I knew he wanted to come with me. I had caught glimpses of her my entire trek in my mind’s eye. She liked to hike and would have been with me if she was here.
It was really pretty on the trail that I hiked on. I did my communing, and then I called a friend who lives in CA as she was going to do some energy work on me. It was perfect, as I just got a signal in the spot I sat in. Also, I had a few ants and one yellow jacket who were interested in me, but nothing crawled on me and I wasn’t dirty either when I got up 45 minutes later.
I have found that the energy work I’ve had done, it opens things up so to speak. When I was on the phone with June, I felt fine. I smiled. I got emotional a few times but nothing bad. Afterward, I had a sense of loss. I had the same sense of loss after my shower and salt bath when I got home. I got into the bed, and it took me awhile to get out because I was depressed again, and I realized that I was having another panic attack. The mind knows she is gone. The heart hopes it’s not true. And then it breaks again and again when I realize that it is.
So I’m having a bummer of an afternoon. I feel somewhat better right now than I did when I got up out of the bed, but I don’t feel great. I feel somewhat desperate, like what I suspect a drug addict feels. I NEED to get her back. I need to see her, to feel her, and to hear her.
Part of my healing journey is to not just know, but to KNOW, that the soul essence does not die. Well, I know that. I even almost KNOW that (as in, with my heart). I’ve been taught that anyway, and I have a strong belief that it’s true. I should say that I keep getting signs…for example today near the end of my hike, I was thinking of Erin and Diana (the goddess), also known as Artemis to the Greeks. She was the protector of animals, and she is always seen with a deer. I have mentioned that right after Erin died, literally an hour, I saw a female deer who was close and unafraid. I knew it was “her” speaking to me. Going back to the end of my hike, I was looking down at the dirt road I was coming back in on, and thinking this, and I heard a noise and 20 feet in front of me a female deer looked at me and jumped across the road. The timing was impeccable, and I knew it was her responding to my thoughts. I KNEW. But then I got sad. And even if she is here, I no longer could feel, see, hear, or sense that. Since it’s all I’ve got, I need to find a way to keep those connections open.
This grief thing is no joke. If I were talking to friends, I’d say “It sucks a big one.” I realize that I am not, but these feelings are so strong I feel as if I am grieving for all of humanity to feel and learn from. I feel that my grief is radiating outward like a sonic boom and affecting everyone with reach of me. And I should care about that, but I can’t seem to bring myself to care much. I am accepting and taking and absorbing whatever I can to keep my head above water. Since people keep telling me what a strong person I am, what do people who are not strong do? What do they go through? How do they survive?
I am ashamed that I keep grieving, and that I keep talking about my grief. I suppose that is part of the stigma of the “crying female,” the depressed, and the mentally unstable. Our society doesn’t know what to do with grief. Hell, I didn’t. I have been around crying people and been completely confused about their emotions. The thought was “Oh crap, what do I do here? Oh, here’s a tissue. Do you need to go somewhere private to cry?” I guess no wonder my throat chakra area is closed up, because not only was I not expressing some of my own feelings I was also suppressing others (even if indirectly).
Now, after all of this, I know that today I need to work on the emotion of shame. I need to process that, and release myself from blame for feeling it. I need to allow myself to speak from my heart, and not just what is “appropriate.” The irony here is that I usually speak my mind. In fact, I have a hard time keeping it in. But those are usually strong emotions of irritation, frustration, anger, etc. It’s harder for me to initiate other types of speech – because of shame (or embarrassment). Wow I just figured that out.
It’s beneficial and it gives me something to do. Keeping busy is not beneficial to the grieving process, but sometimes you just need a life raft while you float to shore.
