I am not feeling so hot right now, which is why I picked up my “pen and paper” and got right to it this morning. The second point in the Pain to Peace chapter, is called We Invite In What We Would Usually Try to Avoid. Here is the sub text:
“When faced with intense pain, we instinctively recoil from it, saying, “please make this go away, I’m not ready for this, I don’t want this.” Imagine that instead of resisting, we said instead, “OK, I will receive this. What’s in this that I need to know? Let it come, I will accept, and I will follow this path with openness and trust.”
ACK! This is exactly what a higher perspective would say, but how hard is it to do that? VERY is my answer. I think that I can say with some certainty that during Erin’s illness I had my head stuck in the sand. Well maybe I did not, but Shaun seemed to know that it would end badly, and yet I had no clue. In fact when he would “get upset” I would get angry. I pushed that pain away and resisted. In the scheme of things I don’t think we could have done more, but I sure pushed it away. I pushed it away during the ICU stay, up until I heard her say “Bye Mommy” that night in my semi-dreamstate.
I guess maybe that is a bad example, as losing my child is on the extreme end of the “what could happen” spectrum of painful events. And as hard as it is for me to embrace it, that paragraph IS my world view. I have experienced those revelations and lessons learned personally, and so, I have faith that this is how it works.
I understand this with my head. And I am laying this out for you right now, with my head. The trick is getting my heart on board. I was working on trust before Erin died. And I thought I had finally “gotten there.” But how blind is it for me to think that restoring MY daughter to health, is in the highest good for the EVERYTHING? Pretty blind, and pretty selfish. I get that in my head. My heart, not so much.
I have to find a way to embrace and trust in the idea that this is the greatest lesson I will ever learn as a soul, and thus is the greatest gift that Erin could have given me. I have to find a way to follow this path that I am on now, after her death, and find acceptance and trust. That is a tall order for anyone, let alone someone who is heart broken.
As my previous post mentioned, I have found some value. I have seen glimpses of the gift. And I understand this wonderful way that the universe works. For now, I have to figure out how to get past the “I don’t care! This sucks! I want my baby back!” so that I can move on to the “OK, What do I need to know?” Well, I am already asking that, but I suspect I am still resisting.
I will write again later today. I hope this Pain to Peace information is helpful to you.
