Ah, what timing. As I begin typing this, a school bus arrives with the kids from next door, and just the idea that someone’s kids are coming home is downright painful for me. But that isn’t a reality that I can get away from, and I am glad their kids are safe and home.
So back to my thoughts. What were they again? It’s funny how spirit will just take over and slam a message right into you at a moment’s notice. If I didn’t see the message in that one, I think I would definitely not be paying attention. But I digress, again.
Today I have had a decent day, if you consider decent barely keeping a lid on the elephant sitting on my heart and on the tears that are just below the surface. A good friend came over and cleaned our house, and I think I wasted around an hour of her time crying. At one point she cried too. I gave her Erin’s Halloween straws, and her Easter straws which have pink bunnies on them. I swear I could hear Erin say “give these to baby Emily and her brothers.” So I was glad her mommy took them.
Each time that baby Emily was ever mentioned, Erin would say “She’s so cute! She’s such a cute chubby baby!” Her voice would get loud and she would smile a huge smile as she said it. She always loved seeing babies, but there was something about this baby that Erin really was enamored with. Emily’s mommy said that once when Erin visited with another friend (without me), Emily responded in a unique way to her too (at around 3 months old). Well, Erin was just special. I guess I have to accept that, and I don’t mean it in a negative way. All children are special, you know, and I don’t want to assume mine was the only special one.
I did find that last night and this morning, it is extremely hard to go into Erin’s bedroom. That whole corner of the house… too painful. Then something draws me in, and then I cry some. I was moved to put her urn on top of her dresser. Sometimes I get an idea and an actual picture forms in my mind, always from what I call spirit. And so I knew where she wanted it, and while I don’t know why I made sure to keep my promise a few days ago and I brought it upstairs and put it there. Now I get the idea that she wants me to take a picture, and I will, but later.
I also know that Erin’s spirit wants me to give baby Emily something of hers, but I’m not sure what yet. I had an overwhelming feeling come over me today about that. At this point, changing anything (even giving away straws) is extremely hard because it’s all that I’ve got left. But, I don’t want to let myself get into that psychosis, so I will get to it one day. She also wants Emily’s brothers to have something, again not sure what yet. She loved that entire family and was very at home playing with 3 boys. It was always fun for her when we or they visited.
I am crying now as I type this, but mostly because all of these kids will grow up and Erin will not. I am really sad about that. Sad for me of course. Sad for all that I will miss out on, and sad for what she will miss. Everyone’s life will soon return to normal if it hasn’t already, but mine never will be again. And that just sucks, you know? It really does. I think that sums it up nicely.
Don’t get me wrong – I am grateful for all that she DID get to do and everyone that she knew. I hope her life wasn’t just a blip on the screen here on planet Earth. I hope it was indeed special.
