No title yet today as I begin writing. I just know I need to get it all out now. Whatever “it” is, I’m not sure, but so far it has flowed out some with tears and I can feel the energy inside of me building up.
I am frustrated that it never fails that I wake with images of Erin in the hospital. They are never the same images, just random images from her time in ICU, when she was not awake. I don’t like those. I don’t want to forget but I don’t want to constantly see them. It’s like being forced to watch a movie that upsets you. You can’t look away, so you have to experience it. Or maybe it’s like Prometheus who has his liver eaten every day, grows it back, and repeats the next day. Yes, I think that’s what it’s like. But honestly mine is eaten more than once a day. I guess the morning liver eating is somewhat worse than the others.
I read an entire book after work yesterday. It was called Communicating with the Other Side by Betsey Lewis. I guess I really enjoyed it since I read the whole darn thing between 5pm and around 9:30pm last night. I also corresponded via his WordPress comments with Wes Annac, who I mentioned yesterday. He said he would do an article on children who pass over. Most of what I read doesn’t discuss children, but I’m interested, obviously. Anyway, I don’t know if it was because I kept myself busy all evening or if it’s just the gift of time, but I felt sort of normal last night. Before you ask – it doesn’t last! Those waves of grief just come back like the waves on the sea would. But anyway, I was sort of OK until bedtime, and I missed her but managed finally to get sleepy enough to drift off. If you see me on FaceBook late, I’m wearing myself out literally so that I can go to sleep. In between scrolling FaceBook, I also check all of my news apps for anything to read that I haven’t read yet. I know, it’s sad, but it’s my reality now.
A couple of things. First, I share to get this off of my chest. But also, I hope that anyone else out there going crazy inside of themselves over grief or sadness can see they are not alone. At first I thought I was, until I met others. I was losing it the first month, and was about to crack. And something unrelated to that…time…I hate time. I always have. Now that is another story in and of itself, so I definitely see the irony if time has dulled my pain. I’m sure time is laughing at me thinking “so you like me now eh?” Linear time sucks. Think about that one, and see if you agree.
Anyway, what comes to mind now is that I did read over the last few days, and it resonated, was that the children who are “on the other side” have a hard time seeing their grieving parents. Now I’m not trying to work out the whole dying, being a free soul, what happens next, etc. either today or in this post. All that I am saying is that I have read or heard that from mediums a million times already, and I really don’t want Erin to suffer because I am suffering. I really cannot help it, but it did help me to sort of get a hold of myself in a way I hadn’t been able to before. I truly want to continue our connection, and if that means that I have to dry it up a little bit then dammit I am going to try my hardest.
While I’m unsure what the song writer’s intent with this verse was, I am really reminded of the REM verse in Losing My Religion that says “Consider this, the slip, That brought me to my knees, failed.” Losing Erin really cut me off at the knees. I have endured a lot of shit over this lifetime, but this time it was no joke. And I did lose my religion. I lost everything that was Me previously. Nothing I had known helped, or mattered. I was taken down to nothing, like a phoenix rising from the ashes if you want to be philosophical about it. I wonder how the phoenix feels though? Does it feel great like it has a new start? Or does it miss what it was before? I miss what I was before. And who was in my life.
Also, since I seem to get a kick out of synchronicity (coincidence that isn’t a coincidence), I am interested that my psyche has come up with both Prometheus and the phoenix in the same set of thoughts. I guess that warrants more attention.
I think that covers my tale of woe for this morning. Stay tuned. Maybe there is more to come. Peace and blessings to you all today.
