Saturday, I began berating myself for what I should have done in regards to figuring out Erin’s illness. I know that should is a bad word. My therapist sort of put it into context saying “Don’t “should” all over yourself.” You get the picture. But there are at least things I would like to have done differently, although I dont’ know what. Looking back, I couldn’t find many examples other than times when maybe I could have threw a fit or two to get things moving faster, if I had known what to move. Would it have mattered? Maybe, maybe not. Again, a symptom of my psyche wanting to think it is in control of everything.
On Sunday, I moved into realizing that nothing I do is going to bring her back, and that she is gone. You may be thinking that one is a no brainer, but it was a new level of sadness for me. I realized that her soul is out there doing its thing, whatever that is, and that I can hope that she will stay close to me but I can’t guarantee that because she has moved on. To lighten the mood here, I had that revelation as I sat down to pee. For some reason I cry a lot when I pee. I think it’s just a minute to hide my face in the privacy of the toilet room and I simply lose it. I catch myself saying “Oh, Erin” or some variation as I sit down, then I cry, and I try to dry it up before I come back to watch TV or whatever if Shaun is home.
And this morning, I discovered that my childhood pediatrician passed away. I always liked him very much and saw him until I was around 24 years old because I couldn’t imagine seeing another doctor. It hit me as one more presence in my life that is now gone. I haven’t seen him in years but he was a larger than life persona. His daughter so graciously came to Erin’s service, and I am ashamed to say I’m not sure I can return the gesture because I am such a damn mess these last few days. I am walking a fine line between being selfish and taking care of myself through what I guess is healthy selfishness. And not just with this – all the time. Some things I just cannot do without extreme emotional distress.
The furrow between my eyebrows is growing deeper than it ever has. I wake up with it worse than at bedtime. I guess I frown all night. When I cry it also curls up, which is a lot. That doesn’t help me feel better about myself for sure and is i just an errant thought this morning.
It is so hard to consider healing, or the hope of healing. My life is so empty without Erin, and that is no offense to anyone else in my life, especially Shaun. How I feel is no one’s fault, it just IS.
Today I woke up with that heavy feeling in my heart and the pit of my stomach again, but worse than it has been in the past several days. Wish me luck as I try to muddle through it. This is like the battle of the two wolves story, where the wolf that you feed is the one that lives. I need to remember to feed the wolf that is hopeful for healing and the future and not the one that is dead inside and wants to rot and give up.
