I did not write yesterday, and obviously I am late writing today from what I normally do. I think that is because night before last, I released a lot of emotion in a way I haven’t done so for the most part. How you ask? By talking to someone. Shaun to be exact, and while I won’t disclose the contents due to their somewhat personal nature, for some reason it was cathartic. I can’t explain it and I know intuitively that it’s not important for me to understand why, so I will just let it go at that.
It’s not that I haven’t cried over the past two days. I have cried, and when it comes out, it is fierce and the tears are like running water. They don’t have to build up – the faucets are full and they pour. But I have managed not to feel as if I am dying, and so that is a win. It’s odd because I don’t really care if I “win,” but feeling less oppressed is better than how I was feeling. I still don’t care, much, but feeling so bad with no way out sort of sucks.
I decided to pull a card, my card for the day, to see if this shift I am feeling is a sign of anything in particular. You can see that I pulled Adversity, and the caption is “I accept that challenges are the best way to learn.” I would be pissed if that hasn’t been my philosophy all along. I was taught years ago, and still adhere to the idea, that challenges are how we learn. Think about it…if you are happy and at peace, that’s great, but you don’t do anything differently do you? But when things aren’t pleasant, or go wrong, you eventually decide what you are doing isn’t working and that you need change. Well, that’s our conscious mind and some people get it faster than others. I have said for a long time that first the Universe knocks at your door. Eventually, it blows up your door and burns your house down if you don’t answer.
So yeah, I am mildly pissed that I am having to relearn things that I already know. I guess I don’t Know them yet – Big K – or else I would be done. Or maybe I am now having my PhD classes? Could it be that I am so good at challenges that I got the biggest damn challenge of them all in this lifetime? Had I known, I would have declined. And I guess that is the point of why you don’t come into Earth with full memory. This shit sucks man. Once we get here, all of us who are here for any specific reason at all would just cut and run.
And to further highlight my own shortsightedness, I was just telling a work colleague today how much I enjoy a stressful challenge (at work). Because to rise to the occasion and kick some butt, that’s an accomplishment. I’m very good at what I do, which is a fact not a brag. So why can’t I see what I have created for myself here in my personal “real” life?
I guess I do see it, but I don’t wanna. (Did I spell that right? I am a grammar nazi, but I don’t wanna.) I guess I am finding my way here, and I do still hope for myself that if I am to keep going on the Earth plane, that I will contribute some value to raising the vibration of this awfully dense planet. Translated for those of you who don’t speak that language – I don’t just want to be of service, I want to really help others. I know it’s a subtle difference, but it’s a subtlety that is important to me. That is my mission. Do you know what yours is? Most people don’t, but some do. If you are one of those that do, execute it passionately.
Now please don’t go saying “I”m so glad you are better!” I’m really not better. This is a lifelong thing, like if I got my arm cut off I would forever be without my arm. I would change but part of me would always be missing. So you change, you get used to it somewhat, but you still dream about having your arm right? You still wish you had it, and you miss it. You never get over someone you love transitioning to the next phase without you.
I have an appointment to make, but I want to leave you with this. I got the arm bands. They are sized medium and were somewhat tight going around my hand but not on my wrist. They do stretch and are sort of thick but again on my wrist they are not tight. So if you get one and it doesn’t fit, be a dear and return it to me and I plan to order some large ones. I toyed with the idea of getting blue, but she so loved purple. But I bet she would want the boys to have blue, so I will probably get 50 or so blue. Also, I am now strong enough I think to start using the http://www.missingerin.net website. I would really love for Erin’s friends, family, and people who just decide they like her (LOL) to post comments, and if you would like to write pieces for the site that would be great too. I am open – I am sharing her with all of you and I would love it if you would share too.
Ok, got to run for now. Peace and blessings to all of you today.
