I have sooooo much that I want to say today. Like I am bursting with it, which is funny because I am generally just tired. I’m the sort of tired, maybe weary, that makes you wake up and think of things you have planned in 3 days that you decide you are too tired to do. LOL Dreading 3 days out, that’s tired.
I think the real word I want to use, though, is again “weary.” Here’s Webster’s definition:
: lacking strength, energy, or freshness because of a need for rest or sleep
: bored or annoyed by something because you have seen it, heard it, done it, etc., many times or for a long time
: causing you to feel tired
Uh, yeah, I think that covers it. On so many levels.
I still don’t like it, but I am starting to get it. You know, IT, the big thing that is the thread over my lifetime that has “caused me so much misery.” I say that in quotes, because remember, I am a co-creator of my reality. Or at least, that’s what I think the case is. My faith in what is – everything – has been shaken this year. I do find that I am returning to basic tenets though, and that is one of them. I see the bread crumbs…I just can’t seem to follow their trail to the prize.
Well, just two days ago I was complaining after an ugly conversation, which I mentioned yesterday in my blog here. I said, to Shaun and the “universe” in so many words that hey, why have I been made to endure all of this crap, and all of this drama, over my lifetime? Because I don’t want any more of that. I can’t deal with it now, and I don’t want to deal with it. Yet it’s not exactly stuff I can walk away from. And even then, when you walk away and you’re not done dealing with it on the inside, it just comes to you in the form of another person or situation anyway.
Just last week I had another situation where I said no more. I said it to my “team” but I said it and out loud. And the situation shifted, and I am satisfied with it. I was ready to walk away actually. Talking about a shift in perspective – when Erin died I no longer have anything to lose. I love Shaun, and so don’t take that the wrong way. But the love a mother has for her child surpasses anything that will ever be in this world. It is a different type of love than I have ever experienced or will again. I suspect it is at least subtly different than what a father and their child experience, because mothers, we grow them in our tummies. They are part of us, literally, for 9 months. If you breast feed, which I did, they get their sustenance from you in a way that is very personal. So, it’s just different. And having “lost” the most important thing in my life, I now have nothing that can compare. In other words, nothing left to lose. A shift in perspective.
I mention this because I think that my shift in perspective has led me to stop putting conditions on what I want and need. For instance, in the past maybe I wanted X, but my stipulation was that my child was safe, family intact, etc. I am now free of that (i.e., nothing left to lose). So it’s a very simple request for me now to say what I need or want and be fine with the outcome. Which leads me to the ugly conversation. Afterward I had really just made up my mind that I was going to sort of push away the person who I had it with, because really who needs that drama? I wasn’t mad, although the conversation was somewhat mean. And then, the next day the person called to apologize. I have to tell you, this person isn’t the apologizing type and so while I did acknowledge the kindness, I was also amused. I pay attention to things and there was a tremor in the force! What shifted? I didn’t know if the person, the world, or I shifted.
When I drew the Balance card today, I knew it was me. I still do not like – I stress that every chance that I get – that I have had a lifetime of shit in order to get to this space of balance. I am sure I have more work to do, but you know what? I feel balanced today. I also didn’t judge the person on the other end of my ugly conversation, and I can say that with certainty. I understood why they acted as they did and I was just inconvenienced by it more than anything.
This is an example of how the inner reflects the outer, and vice versa. The micro and the macro. You get the point. Oh, let me not forget to include As Is Above, So Is Below.
And I wish that I could put into words my new level of understanding. I cannot, though. But let’s just say that I have climbed another rung of the ladder, and now I can see just a wee bit more than the last rung. And it feels good.
I am still very sad about Erin, and I cry still a lot. And I want to take time today to say that a friend – a New Friend if you have read the article floating around about the kinds of friends you find during grief – she lost her only son 6 months ago today. Now I assume that it’s 6 calendar months and not counting by the weeks. I had no idea when I started my journey that hers was so fresh, 3 months to the day nearly. Erin died on the 14th, but it was 12:14 or 12:17 am (or close) and so barely on the 14th. And I found out yesterday that a high school friend’s son died too. I have found out about many who lost children. I’m so sorry. This is the greatest pain that we will ever endure, and I am so sorry. When I read your posts and your stories, I cry for you and with you, and for myself. I hope that by chance you can feel my love coming through the internet connection into your broken heart.
Sending love and balance to you all today my friends. Peace and Namaste, and big (((Hugs)))
