I had already written once, and never published it, about others who grieve. There is some horrible kinship with these people, and I mean horrible in the nicest sense of the word. It’s horrible because who in the hell wants to feel this way? NO ONE!
Now that I am part of this awful club, I notice people grieving even when they don’t say it. Others who grieve privately, or are “long time members” who don’t talk about it anymore, they have reached out to me. I take special notice and care of those who publicly express their sorrow. I am sorry for them in a way that only they understand, and well, that only I understand.
And I don’t want them to understand. I don’t want you to be in this club unless you have to. I guess we all have to one day, but we hope that we are old and wise and expectant of it. You can see how it is a lonely journey when you do not want any other to have to walk through the pain with you.
Just the other night a dear friend told me something to the effect that she would like for me to share my pain with her. I don’t remember the exact words, and it was meant to tell me that I could share my burden with her. I replied something like, I can’t put that burden on you. I don’t remember the specifics, but I remember saying it was a sorrow so hard to bear that I just couldn’t do that to her. It’s like that you know…it’s so deep and ugly and NORMAL, but so deep and ugly. So deep that you can never push it away, and so ugly that you can’t bear it.
Another friend, who writes a blog and lost her son who was due next month, she wrote today that she was also in horrible emotional pain but didn’t want to burden anyone (my words). What she wrote, lord I could have written it minus the specifics about her son! And then another friend, whose son died 6 months ago, is still feeling nearly the same as the first day; and another nice lady I know from gaming on Facebook, she lost her husband just before Erin died. It was clear – it is clear – how much she loves and misses him. Let’s not forget another friend who I will respect privacy but hasn’t seen her children in over 100 days, and countless others who have shared with me that they have lost a child or someone they love deeply. These relationships of the heart, no matter whether children, lovers, or friendships, they result in such tremendous hurt when we can no longer see our loved ones. It almost makes you question “Was it worth it?” Sometimes I wish I had never had a child, because this pain is too great.
But I guess, the true answer is that they are so absolutely worth it. Just this morning my Aunt called and while we talked, she reminded me of how Erin was always smiling, how joyful she was, and how many lives she touched. It’s true, and it does make me smile to think of it. She also pointed out that if nothing else she taught me to love. I am not sure if that’s where I “learned” per se, but I did experience an unconditional love for the first time in my life and it was like no other. I am sure that I will never experience that in this body again, or at least it is unlikely. And as a mother, the whole thing just rips my heart in two all over again to think about.
I know what a gift it was to have someone I love enough that their death caused this much grief and sadness. I can also see some of the higher perspective, which I have written about before. But what I cannot fathom is the grief, pain, and suffering that is going on in this world and that so many are experiencing it. We are a population who is walking around in pain. I can’t speak for everyone, but I am a lifelong seeker and practitioner of emotional clearing, a seeker of balance, etc. In other words, my emotions are there but pretty much under control. And if I am in physical pain and screaming silently in my mind all of the time, what are others doing and feeling who aren’t so “strong?” I got nothing. Who knows. It sucks for me and it must really suck for them.
The other thing that we in this club wonder is if anyone will forget our loved ones. We see others moving on and we wonder, have they forgotten already? I know they haven’t, but they will remember silently while we strive to keep the memory fresh and alive and audible. But it’s hard for us. I can tell you that a high school friend who died when I was about 25, I think of him at least once a month. I don’t know why. We weren’t close anymore and he had his own family, but you know, he was one of those kinds of people who made an impression on everyone he met. I guess families can take solace that some weirdo (i.e., me) will still remember their loved ones 20 years later.
I didn’t know when I started writing that I would name my post today “In Da Club,” but if you’re reading “C” that’s a shout out to you and thanks for dancing with me on Saturday night. Friends certainly make this journey easier, even if they are not in da club.
Peace, blessings, and wishing you a great day. Namaste.
#missingerin
