I find that in the past few days, as I have been busy with work and other things, I have blocked my grief out as much as I possibly can. I both like and do not like how that makes me feel. Getting immersed in other people’s stuff makes me forget my own. But then when I have down time, I feel that what I have been ignoring comes in a rush and fills me up. Which makes me block it out a little more, and then I end up feeling numb. I have no idea if that even makes sense but that’s the best way that I can explain it.
That said, I have been dreaming a lot this week for the first time in a long time, and the first night I dreamed of Shaun’s brother Greg, and the second night of Erin. Look, I call them dreams but the reality is that I lucid dream and I also visit other realities, and I know the differences between that and normal dreaming, which I still do sometimes. I realized last week that all of those dreams I had where Erin has died in other realities, well I forgot the dream I had where she was alive. So there is one parallel reality where my little Erin is alive and did not die, and I found her and that “space” the two nights ago. I guess I must have found the one where Greg was still alive as well. It’s funny how I understand that now, and it gives me some comfort.
My biggest problem lately is the PTSD type stuff I am experiencing. I never understood flash backs but I do now, and they are awful. It’s like a horror movie that you can’t stop, complete with emotions overtaking you. I feel awful for people who have scary flashbacks. Mine are just emotionally sad, but torturous nonetheless. It’s like being stabbed in the heart repeatedly.
Otherwise I feel very weird, as if I am being lulled to sleep. But I still know what is going on around me, and it’s just a very weird feeling. I suspect that it is a grief response. I will leave you with some Soundgarden lyrics that I find very relevant to me these days:
Whatsoever I’ve feared has come to life
And whatsoever I’ve fought off became my life
Just when everyday seemed to greet me with a smile
Sunspots have faded
Now I’m doing time
That’s from Fell on Black Days. And I sure have.
Namaste and #missingerin. I hope I am more inspired tomorrow.
