Fighting for My Light

Yes, that’s a play on words. I am truly fighting for my light, which in this case is “life” as it is all that I have left in this “life” so to speak. In that regard, yesterday was a dark day. If I could describe what this level of sadness feels like to you, it would engulf you as if you were in flames and burn you to your very soul. It is like Erin dies each day, and like Prometheus, I endure tremendous pain before dying myself. Then I come back to endure again the next day. It’s grueling to say the least.

Last year during a reading with Betsey Lewis, she indicated that I should write a book on my experience. I have had no idea of what that would be about until yesterday, but now I know. I’m not saying I am going to DO it, but I know what it should be about, and that is experiencing grief from a multdimensional standpoint.

If you aren’t familiar with the term multidimensional, let me explain. Those on Earth who look at things from a 3D standpoint, they are materialistic, self-absorbed, fearful, only concerned with the physical and the gratification that they can get. Others, however, take a “higher dimensional” standpoint on life and are often called multidimensional, higher dimensional, or higher vibrational. What that means is that instead of being self-absorbed, wrapped up in blame, etc. they know that they are co-creators, they have a high degree of integrity and self-resonsibility. They are often service to others oriented and they are not as triggered emotionally by events or people. Perhaps higher-vibrational is the better word. Have you ever been around someone who is a joy to be around versus someone who “brings you down?” That’s a difference in vibration. It’s an amazing concept that sometimes you have to “feel” to believe.

So here I am, perhaps not embodying but understanding these multidimensional concepts, when I have the worst possible thing that can occur in my 3D life occur. And I tried, oh how I tried, to put those concepts to work. A large part of me “understands” what my psyche and heart is experiencing, yet nothing can calm the storm. I also know, deeply, that if I do not persevere that I will be “doomed” to repeat these “lessons.” Doomed – what a 3D concept! But I lack for a better descriptive word. I also know that this horrible event, that it is the Iceberg. The tip of the iceberg is the long list of the many shitty things that have occurred “to me” (another 3D concept!) in my lifetime. I was able to clear those, to understand my Soul’s role in co-creating them. I was not a victim. But whoa! How hard is it to apply those higher dimensional concepts to the death of my child! I’ll tell you – it’s nearly impossible. Even if I am at a point where I accept them, and even believe they are truth, I don’t care.

As a co-creator of my reality, I can see me telling “my team” that “Hey guys, when this happens, under no circumstances are you to ease this pain! Do not pull me out! Repeat – do not pull me out! I will beg but don’t do it! You will mess the whole process up and I’ll have to start over!” Yep, I can hear myself and even feel my conviction. And still I beg for help. To whom? I don’t believe in a savior. We have to save ourselves. Even Jesus taught that folks. He taught people how to fish. Get it? No saviors. And guess what? My team is dead silent. No less than I would expect, but I hurt so damn bad some days that it’s unbearable. It must be hard-coded within my genes to endure, or else I surely would not.

And I have a lot of feelings, some of which I am very much entitled to but ashamed of. I don’t want anyone else to suffer, or to be ill, or for their children to be. But I have to turn my heart away from those things, as it is more than I can bear. I get nearly physically ill sometimes hearing about others’ happiness. It’s not their happiness that upsets me – it’s my own loss. I avoid a lot of stuff as a result, including large gatherings.

And, I’m just going to say this…it just down right pisses me off to see people saying that God answered their prayers, that God did this or that God did that, saved this person, whatever. Really? What was my child? Minced meat? Or you didn’t pray hard enough? If God is so damn good, was he also good when he let my child die simply because it is “His will?” Do you see the false logic in your arguments, or the hurt caused by them? Probably not, as that is what you learned to say and think without question. And no, I will not rudely comment on statements said to someone other than me, but kindly don’t say those to me unless you want a scathing reply. I have a higher-dimensional, non-Christian view of the Creator, but shit like that just cuts me to the bone. You might get an ear full that I will later have to apologize for. And yes, I would probably apologize, because treating others badly is against my personal beliefs.

Ah, and the fear is still alive. I’m afraid of being judged by the last paragraph I wrote. Wow. Well the truth is, I am tired. I am so tired, and so many others are so tired. Is that the point? To make us so tired that we just give in? Remember the guy in the Matrix, the one who wanted to get back in? Life was too hard outside, so he wanted back in. Hell, I can relate. Sometimes I would forsake all that I am just to be relieved of responsibility and suffering. Then I get a little energy and realize the fallacy in that, and yet the cycle continues. My body and soul are so tired. I will reiterate that I know that so many are also. When does it end?

I have been through the gauntlet of my mind, and of my heart, trying to find something different. Another viewpoint, another set of rules, another gut feeling, some different message…something. Well I keep coming back full circle to those higher dimensional truths. Are they the absolute truth? Nope, of course not. I hope to gain further understanding daily that will expand and elaborate and maybe even CHANGE those truths. Make them even truthier (LOL). But I can never go back to that which I knew while inside of the Matrix, and yet I am still subject to its laws and feelings of sadness. Raw deal isn’t it? Yes, it is Nicole.

I appreciate all of you walking with me as I fight for my light. I will fight for yours too. And I hope to learn as much from you as you do from me, or even more because each situation and person is unique. This is an extremely hard month, for whatever reason. I know I come across as strong and even harsh, but this is strong and harsh emotion. No apologies there.

Peace, blessings, and Namaste to you. Be safe in this awful weather. #missingerin