Holiday Blues, and Grays

I guess even my computer doesn’t want me to write today. I had to refresh the page twice to get this to work. Maybe it was testing my commitment? There are no coincidences, just realities.

I have the holiday blues again. Not surprising. Everyone else is getting ready to celebrate Easter, but the Bunny won’t be visiting my house this year. It’s been a very hard week to be honest, for Shaun too. I won’t share his stories, because they are his, but I will share mine.

Earlier in the week I had lunch with a few old business associates. I didn’t pick the place, and they picked Pane Vino or whatever it’s called down at the Art Museum. I could have said no, but I can’t use any crutches in business and that’s just how it is. So I went, and although I didn’t park in the same lot where I used to when I dropped Erin off for art class, I realized as I walked to my destination just how many times before for Panoply she and I had walked those same areas. I recognized in an instant the stage where some band was playing last year, and Simone H. tried to get her to dance with her. Erin said “I don’t dance.” And I tried to tell her not to be ashamed and to dance with Simone, but she wasn’t having any of that. One reason my memories are so painful is that I see them play out as if I am looking into time and space. They are very real, not just remembrances. And they make me very sad at what has been lost.

I did not look at the art classrooms as I passed them. But I did cry most of the way home.

Then there was the blood drive, at the school, for a little girl who is also sick with a blood disease. I didn’t go donate. I couldn’t. Just too hard. I’m a little ashamed for that but it is what it is.

And today is Erin’s BFF Anna Kate’s 12th birthday. Of course Erin would have been celebrating it with her. She loved birthdays, no matter whose it was.

And then Easter. She loved Easter. We always put out carrots for the Bunny, and she got stuffed animals (stuffies) and baskets full of goodies and hunted eggs – both real ones she dyed and tons of plastic ones filled with stuff. Last year she specifically requested a Peeps brand pink bunny stuffie from some sweets shop down at Bridgestreet. It’s still in her room.

I sort of find it funny that not one person commented on yesterday’s post. I guess maybe it came across as preaching. Well it was – preaching for everyone to do some soul searching and think before you judge. LOL but seriously! Note I never told you what to think, just to be kinder. I can’t find anything wrong with that.

I am very exhausted, and so maybe this is all for today. Or maybe I’ll write again. Hugs and namaste to everyone. #missingerin