#Fail AKA Shame Sucks

You would think that I would learn, but in truth I have been so busy running from distraction to distraction that I have bypassed the clearance of a major life lesson over the last several months. But let me start at the beginning. Long ago (well, around 1998) I started down a path of Emotional Clearing. I had a screwed up life to begin with, and had much anger, shame, and guilt from my early childhood onward that I knew I needed to release. I had emotional patterns that I needed to shake in order to live a healthy emotional life. And a healthy physical life too, because our emotions affect the body’s health. On that note, look up Louise Hay’s Heal Your Body if you don’t believe me.

So I found a wonderful program based on the Keys of Compassion, and I jumped in with both feet. It brought up a lot of old stuff, which I didn’t always deal with the right way, but after around 3 years of hitting this hard core I was a much better person in many ways. I still used the Formula, but not in it’s complete form, since my psyche would just run through it to figure out the nature of situations, and then I would release my emotions towards it. It also affected how I reacted to situations. A huge improvement in most cases.

And just last week, I said to myself as I thought of any type of judgment “I am complete. I have learned, and when I come to my life’s review I can say with honesty that I got it, and I learned from it.” I felt complete too. I even had a “graduation” of sorts with my Team/guides. I went into meditation only to find a cheering room full of them, telling me I had done so well. There was more to it but I was shocked and happy. This past year hasn’t just been me missing Erin. Nope, it’s also been me letting a lot of stuff go and clearing on a deeper level than I ever have. I have figured out numerous things, resolved many of them, and pushed myself to go forward when all I wanted to do was die. If anything the challenges have gotten harder, not easier. But you know, I didn’t much care because nothing else was going to hurt me. I had the biggest hurt of all already.

Over the weekend I had a party for football Saturday, and to put it honestly, I got entirely too drunk. And I got a pissy mouth at some point, which I’m not surprised, but it’s part of the story so there it is. Now let me stop here and tell you that I have noticed that once a week when I have drank alcohol, I have took some pleasure in knowing that I would go to sleep with no anxiety, with no dreams, and be so tired the next day that I would not miss Erin so much. But yep, I plowed through that and ignored it like a light rain on a hot day. Didn’t stop to think I was running. And somewhere along the way I think I decided more was better. Longer sleep, longer tiredness, longer period of I don’t give a f*ck.

I woke up on Sunday and thought, wow I am done with this for awhile. A long while. Whatever I needed to do, I apparently did it. So I got that part. I didn’t yet know there was more but there was and it was incremental. On Monday, I had to go get some coffee after I did payroll and was behind a mother and her 4-5 year old son in the grocery. By the time I was looking at them cross the parking lot, I was boo-hooing so hard that I was slightly embarrassed walking to my car. Ok, I got that too – it’s still there, even if I ignored it for a few days.

This morning, I had some body work done for my jacked up muscles and back. It released a lot…if you are sensitive you can feel the shit leaving after the physical body releases. Little did I know that I would come home and find myself feeling deep and utter shame about my drunkenness and a hand full of other smaller things that I have regret over. What? Really? Wow. Yes, it’s true.

This isn’t so cut and dry folks. I should note that as I started writing this, I got a sharp pain from back to front just where my heart chakra is in my body, which is dead center through the middle of the breast bone. This is all related to a bigger picture, and I write these things to help myself and hopefully to explain to someone else out there who may be experiencing similar, just what is going on. So bear with me.

On the way home I listened to a YouTube video about some stuff that isn’t really relevant except for when they talked about the concept of Sin, and how it’s really about the heart chakra. Well I relate Sin to Shame and I immediately understood the connection. The judgment does not come from OUTSIDE of ourselves. It comes from WITHIN. I have written before about making a joyful noise, and the different effect that the vibration / harmonic of joy has on the heart chakra. Shame has the opposite or close. And what was my thing last week all about? It was whether I still judged myself. I thought I was “clean” in a manner of speaking, done, but I was not and so I get this wonderful lesson to follow.

I realize that I self-sabotage because I do not feel worthy of being “clean.” I have so much regret over things I wish I had done, done differently, not done, that even though I found the value in the experience I cannot let myself off the hook. Some of you who know me very well may have spoken to me about my mother and how I would not let her off the hook. I wonder now, even if she had taken responsibility for her actions, if I could have let her off the hook? I wonder…and I’m not sure I’m capable of that yet if I can’t let myself off.

I think, maybe I am repeating things that I know will cause me to feel shame so that A) my psyche validates the need to continue to feel it and B) I can continue to distance myself from other things I have not let go of yet. When I feel shame, it’s always about something where I did not take responsibility for my actions and reactions, and thus act or react differently. Yep, there is a pattern.

I am also ashamed of the fact that no matter how much I understand the grand scheme of things, I cannot accept that, in my world view, my Soul and Erin’s soul agreed to experience her death in this life. I see the value. I am a completely different person today than I was last year. I have learned so much. I had ten years of happiness. But I do not accept that and it was not enough. The cost was too high. Even if the act of her death saved the planet, the cost was too high for me. And I carry the shame and regret of every unkind word or deed. Every time I said “just a minute” or “go play by yourself.” Every raised voice, I hear it in a chorus, over and over. You get the picture. I feel deep shame and deep regret, and I cannot or at least have not forgiven myself. Perhaps every other word and deed is just adding insult to injury, a mere distraction even if it’s a destructive one.

I understand, on a deep level that I’m sure I didn’t communicate, what I have learned here. But I have not released it, and I can feel it in my aching back right now. (Remember the physical body tells you what you aren’t “getting”.) I honestly don’t know if I can release it. And if I had to judge myself, to assess before going to the next world wherever it may be, I could not in good conscience pass myself on this test. My self-assessment says FAIL: Incarnate as Human Again.

Well, I don’t have a conclusion today. Just a long, train of thought blog post. I’ll keep trying though, and I will keep #missingerin. Namaste and blessings. <3