I began writing yesterday but it was more moaning and groaning, so I scrapped it and moved on. On the one hand, what’s the use of writing a blog if you don’t write. But I at least try to help others through my experiences and feelings, as well as express, and I just didn’t feel it was a worthwhile sharing. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn’t.
That said, today I definitely have some worthwhile things to share. Ha – I love how I know I definitely have something worthwhile. My dears, that is the beauty of just letting it flow out because my subconscious and higher self know much better than I do. And I want to get back to my higher self with you all just give me a moment. She is what I could call my original self who I met this past year doing a past life regression type meditation (one of many) and who calls herself Maya.
I have had a bad week. I had a really bad day again yesterday and well, there have been many tears. I am so tired and weary, and despite every indication that I have ever gotten from my guidance, from the universe, from anyone, nothing ever manifests and I just feel like I am being lied to. Let’s rewrite that…believing in illusion or fantasy. The biggest test of my life started the day Erin laid her body down. I heard someone else use that term, and I like it. It’s correct. So anyway…let’s just call how I felt despondent. I mean really, how much longer can I do this? Not only have I lost much, not only am I miserable every moment of every day, but in return you ask me to raise my vibration to one of joy. You ask me to believe in the ascension, that it is impending. You ask me to continue living, to live a life of service. You ask me to believe, most of all, that Erin and I will see each other again…soon you say (and so does she). PHYSICALLY. You asked me to believe, and I have to the best of my ability. Maybe a little more each day. Maybe some days, I don’t believe as much, and I feel as if I am deluding myself.
And to top that off, I would normally say…”If I can do it, anyone can.” But this, nope, I’m not sure just anyone can. And I know that’s why I was chosen. I have never batted an eye in trusting my guidance, and many things that I told Erin were possible even if we couldn’t see them, or hadn’t seen it happen in this world, well, now I am trying very hard to walk my talk. I never not-believed when she was here. Now…I have found myself with the rest of the world which is apparently without hope. Not all of the time but some of the time at least. Hopeless, resigned to living mundane lives and to endure suffering until we shed our bodies and move on.
So yeah I have a fundamental struggle every day. I guess you could call it a crisis of faith in a way. Really not sure how I am supposed to pull myself up out of this one but I seem to keep trying. And oh yeah, more of my own advice came up yesterday. There I was peddling on our exercise bike when I got a flash in my mind. I get what I call flashes. They come with picture (sometimes like videos) and feelings and words and such, like a download from the internet. They are quick so I call them flashes. And my flash showed me a dream experience I had a month or so ago where I went to get Erin. I was told she was in a coma, and I went to wake her up. It’s a long story, and no it wasn’t symbolic. I was being shown how it was going to feel to reunite with her, and what it may potentially “look like.” That came in a flash yesterday bundled with my mantra that if I know the outcome, I can endure anything to get from A to B. Yeah, I say that a lot. I guess I have to eat my words now and endure or else never say that again. I guess I’m in this one for the long-haul.
I drew the Moon today (tarot) for my daily card. That is somewhat good news I suppose, since the Moon is about the unconscious and such. Mine was reversed, indicating that I am coming out of a time of self-deception and illusion. I suppose if I really do believe, and then give in to my fears, it’s entirely self-deception so there, take that fear and sadness. And go away while you are at it.
Oh, that brings me back to Maya. It is not lost on me that Maya means Illusion. The time and place where I met myself as Maya was the time where she entered this illusion. We entered this illusion. If parts of Self and timelines and such confuse you, join the club. I don’t have a system, I just do the best I can to understand it. The bottom line without boring you with the entire story is that she realized that she and her people had no clue what humans experience, what their suffering is, and so she decided to go experience. She suddenly saw their suffering, but did not understand it. She knew it was significant, but could not feel it. It wasn’t that the empathy wasn’t there, no, it was more that there was no context. I would say that now we have context for many types of suffering thank you very much. We have context for the Human experience on planet Earth. What we have lost is the context for a reality of pure joy, or rather in joy ment. Ah, and there is my pattern for this lifetime…swinging from one extreme to another and desperately trying to figure out where the balance is and how to “do that.”
So maybe your story is similar to my story. Maybe it is not. We aren’t all “from here” so to speak and even so everyone is unique. I am pleased to be walking this journey along with each of you, but I wonder what made us get on this road? Beats me why we thought it was a good idea, LOL, but hopefully we have one hell of a graduation party. There isn’t one person I know who doesn’t deserve it. And there it is…hope…peeking its little head out from around the corner over here.
I love you all. Namaste, Nutsmaste, Blessings, #missingerin and #lovingerin <3
