Musings for 5/6/2016

I had something else in mind earlier, but I was just reminded of the personal significance that today holds for me. Not a great day, but a day indeed. Today, two years ago, Erin was in the hospital about to have another surgery. She and Shaun were out walking around the floor when he got a call from HPD that they had found his brother Greg deceased on the back porch of his home. Just a few weeks earlier I had helped him with his new computer, the one I’m using right now. On April 7 he left birdseed on the front porch for me while I was asleep and I missed seeing him. He was astounded that I wanted birdseed in “payment” for picking out and then setting up his new computer. I love feeding the birds. I really didn’t want anything, but I knew he would give me something, so I picked birdseed. On April 30 I thanked him via text again, but never heard back. I think he either died that day, or maybe on May 1. We will never know, but today is the day we found out.

I had to tell Erin where and why Daddy left, but didn’t want to upset her too badly. So I got us ice cream cones and we walked to a secluded spot and I told her. She cried, but just for a second. She always kept her emotions in until she couldn’t anymore. She didn’t want to talk about it again so we didn’t. But he was missed, and still is.

May 6th is also my mother and her 3rd husband’s anniversary. Not a happy day there either, since he had her sign a prenup the day before that left her destitute and homeless upon his death despite 13+ years taking care of his ass. Blah Blah, etc. etc. Life hasn’t been good to me or most of my family but I am confident that we have gotten the most bang for our buck as Souls during this one. I read the other day that there are places in creation where souls learn through positive experiences, not negative ones like we do here. What the heck does that look like? If I ever knew as a soul, I no longer remember. I remember 100% of the pain and suffering though.

I think that Greg knew how I felt about him, but I’m really not sure I ever told him that I loved and cared about him. I wasn’t that person then, you know, to just come out and say I love you like I do now. Some people think actions are worth more than words…not so fast there…people don’t always *know* anything and so now I tell people all the time even if it’s a bit uncomfortable. I might tell you several times a day if you are around me, and that’s because I want you to know. I need to be confident that I told you in other words, because I left a lot of shit unsaid before this stage of my life. And I regret the living hell out of that. It sucks for me, even though I know that Greg’s soul, Erin’s and (insert here) know that I love them. They are fine, and they know now, but it was ME that made the mistake of not telling them.

Which brings me to this…I am very slow about posting on Missing Erin because, well, it’s damn painful for me to even open up the admin console. So I always post the most wonderful things, but way past due and late, late, late. I will get to putting THIS there, but the picture at the top of the page is a very special gift from a very special friend. My friend, Lisa L., was first a FarmVille friend but after Erin passed, she reached out to me and showed me such love and kindness that I am really at a loss for words to express it or how much it means to me. And she didn’t just do it once, she has been there for nearly 2 years now. A few months ago she sent me that beautiful necklace and Shaun a keychain (so he wouldn’t feel left out – so sweet!). I love the necklace and I even put it in the safe when we go out of town! No I don’t take it with me – too special to lose! Lisa recently found out she has cancer. Please send her your prayers, thoughts, warm hugs, good vibes, whatever is your preference and specialty. I hope she doesn’t mind me mentioning it here, but it has been bothering me of course. I may understand a lot of things on a higher level, but I am so sad and tired of the special people in my life becoming ill. Lisa, I love you and you are a light in my life! I want to make sure you know that, and that I am here for you. You matter to me and you are special, a light in the darkness. Thank you so much for, well, everything and for being you.

I also want to thank you Roel for everything you teach me. I especially appreciated you pointing out yesterday that I had not integrated my own thought/belief about something, as I clearly demonstrated in a subsequent post. It meant a lot, but I wasn’t able to exude the gratitude by clicking the Like button! I do not know where you and Dede and I are going on our journey, but our current divergent paths will link up again soon and we will learn tons and tons and have fun doing it!

And Shaun, thank you for being my partner in this life. I found myself singing Annie’s Song in the car yesterday, and realized I was singing it to you. Our love is unique and our bond is strong. I’m so sorry that we have had to share so much pain, but at least we have each other.

So many of you are special to me and days like today make me stop to think about it. There are too many to mention, and as you know I write train of thought and what seems to be important in the here and now. So on that note, most importantly, Love. It’s a noun and a verb – Love. I wish I could touch each of you and show you what I have learned about it, so that you could feel it and not have to experience anything but Love for yourself. Having a hard day? Love. Upset at someone? Love. Mad at the government? Love. Hate your life? Love. It is the answer. Sounds silly, sounds stupid at times, but it’s truth.

I love you! Namaste, Nutsmaste, #missingerin and #LovingErin