It seems that I spend most of my days in complete and utter dread. Every day brings me closer to some anniversary of something that I wish had not occurred, brings me pain, and that I have to try to ignore. I have been on hyper sensitive mode lately, so if you think I have ignored your pain anytime we have interacted lately, you’re right. I have. I have to. I cannot bear mine and even acknowledging yours. Yeah I know how that sounds, but it’s the best I can do for now. I would like to do better in the near future.
I am trying to keep following the path that the universe has set forth for me. I haven’t mentioned that in a long while so let me give you an update. I figured out that I need to give myself a break on all of the guilt and regret that I carry. Easier said than done but at least I understand now that I actually got the message. I made tremendous mistakes throughout life, in many areas, and I kept making them. I wasn’t always being selfish, but I certainly didn’t know how to get my needs met in a functional way. Fear of “losing” something was a lot of my problem. Losing “Me” time, losing my identity, giving more than I thought I should have to because it was someone else’s turn to do ???, whatever. But I got the message. I learned. I understand and I am painfully aware. I am afraid I would make the same mistakes again, but I don’t think I would. Most of my dysfunction now comes from a place of misery and trying to drown that out. So I passed the test finally. I got an A.
I could say “at what cost?” but then that’s going back to a really “3D” perspective on existence. By 3D, I mean, a materialistic egocentric viewpoint. But anyway, why you ask? LOL Well because I believe that our soul never dies. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe I am here to experience and thus to learn. I believe that one day I will be released from this life and go back home, wherever that is, or at least be free to resume a happy life on some other plane of existence. Still, here I am stuck in this linear time based BS and to put it plainly, it really sucks.
And so if I believe all of that crap (said tongue in cheek), then I am really getting the bang for my buck in regards to experience. I really hit the gold mine when my child died didn’t I? I should be thankful, full of gratitude, knowing it’s all an illusion. Blah blah blah. Really, most of the spiritual or religious crap that people use to try and console themselves, just doesn’t do it for me. It doesn’t do it for most people who are truly suffering. There is no one who can help me but me, and that’s the irony. The most recent analogy given to me in meditation is that there is some magic code to the emotion of Joy that I have to figure out, and once I open that lock and turn the door handle, it all comes together. I just have to hit that vibration once and BOOM, there we go. It’s all about vibration/frequency/harmonics you know. Why do you think Heaven is “up?” Because you “rise” to get there. Rise in frequency. And personally, I think heaven is anywhere that isn’t here. This is basically a pretty planet but damn, life here is harsh and it sucks. I would like my check please and a cab ride home. Does Uber travel the frequency octaves?
I had no idea that I was going to blog all of that today. Really I had meant to talk about #BlackLivesMatter. I had an epiphany yesterday that really sort of embarrassed me but I want to share it anyway. So I was ashamed when I suddenly realized when I have been hearing that black lives matter, that it made me feel like my white life didn’t matter. Like black people were saying that. Hmmm…they weren’t and nope, it wasn’t implied either. So why did I react that way? I can hide it from you, but I can’t hide how I felt from me and so out with it! I’ve been mulling it over ever since, trying to clear up those inferior emotions. There is absolutely nothing wrong with black lives mattering or the #BlackLivesMatter movement. And yes, I still say that every life matters, but I get why we need to all get our heads out of our asses about black lives right now. By the way my white friends…it’s implied that white lives matter. Everywhere, every day. White Privilege is a real thing, it’s just never talked about and many of us never realize that it even exists until we see someone non-white being mistreated. On that note, I would submit to you all that it’s not just non-white lives, though, that are devalued. It’s more than likely a socioeconomic thing that is perpetrated top-down. Someone should do a study on that.
So folks, no one is trying to tell you that your life doesn’t matter. It does. But for Pete’s sake, can we stand up and say that we value black lives? I can – #BlackLivesMatter . I mean that. Because #EveryLIfeMatters and that means non-human too. I admonish you all to stop being selfish, and stop being afraid. I was afraid, afraid of being excluded. But that’s not it. I saw a great analogy the other day in regards to Bob is Hungry…Bob Deserves Food. Someone said Everyone Deserves Food. Ok, so they do. But that’s not helping Bob, who has no food. Bob Deserves Food!
I guess that is my PSA for the day, or the week. I really don’t know what else to do but to share my experiences, inner and outer, with you guys. That’s why I do it. If it has value to me, maybe it does for someone else. I have the strangest urge now to quote Kid Rock so I will – Now get in the pit and try to love someone! LOL Ok, now that’s out of my system…
Peace, love, kindness, blessings, Nutsmaste, Namaste, #missingerin, and #LovingErin <3
