Every day brings new understandings and discoveries. You just have to be aware of your thoughts and feelings and environment and then, well, it’s amazing what you notice.
For instance, this morning I was sitting here working and felt a huge, horrible punch in my gut. I wasn’t consciously thinking of Erin, but I knew immediately what that feeling was. I also realized that I don’t have to be wrapped up in my thoughts (i.e., mental) to be grieving. I think that’s important for those without context to get. We can’t just forget about it…or we can, but it doesn’t fix the issue. Grieving is a physical body, biological and mental and emotional body, whole Self thing. It is 24/7 and it never turns off. It changes is all. Today was a change. I have not yet experienced this particular flavor of grief and that’s why I’m writing about it.
I also realized that I have reached another milestone. I no longer have the need to explain to anyone why I know I will see Erin again, or to debate about how that will happen, or to even tell them for that matter. (Yes, I realize I’m telling it now.) It’s a given, and it will happen and “soon” by some universal standard at least. Having that knowing makes me feel somewhat better. I wonder how people who have resigned to the “fact” that they will never see their loved ones again feel? Worse than I do I’m sure. I can’t say if they will see them again or not and so I can’t give anyone hope, except that miracles do and will continue to happen. It doesn’t matter what usually happens, has happened, or you’ve been told is or isn’t possible. You listen to your own guidance. I did, and it was miraculously validated several times by people I didn’t even know. Now that is astounding and something to get excited about.
In other news, this week I have seen fear rule. It rules people’s hearts and minds, and it results in ugly, ugly behavior and words. It rules in the name of religion, in the name of jealousy, in the name of all things good and bad, yet, it’s a terrible illusion. When we start looking at people heart to heart, instead of ego to ego, then you will know who and what is worthy of fear.
I’ll give you a few examples. When I grew up in the south, I was told all sorts of very ugly and untrue things about black people. And as a young child, I’m sure that I believed that they were true and applied to all black people. But as I grew, I met black people – all sorts of people really – and I never had another thought about what I had been told because I looked into their hearts. Have I ever met a terrible black person? Sure. And lots of awful white people too. They aren’t awful because they are black or white. They are awful because they are assholes. Get it?
A slightly different flavor…have you ever thought…Well that should make me mad. That is disrespectful. Blah blah. I have. I have as recently as this year in fact, and I had to think about it, because I wasn’t mad, and I didn’t feel disrespected. I still had ingrained societal “should’s” bothering me though, so thankfully my heart knew what was what.
I got interrupted and have lost my flow of thought, so I’ll just go ahead and end today’s musing with this: You are Love(d) and you are Beauty. <3 <3
Blessings, Namaste, Nutsmaste, #missingerin and #LovingErin <3
