Ok, so I was wrong. Tomorrow is the last day of August 🙂 And on that day I have a lunch scheduled with my mother’s 2nd husband, Jerry. For some reason he likes my company, and in the many years that have passed I have let go of my disdain and anger towards him. He is now close to 80 and has barely been loved in his lifetime. So what I can give, I give. I would do it for you too. Everyone deserves more kindness and more love.
Seems a fitting closure to a month of agony. And September is the 9th month. 9’s are endings, closure, and the like. Jerry was present when my life took at turn for the horrible around age 7, and oddly enough is present now. So that’s why I say, fitting closure. I don’t know what it means but will go with the flow to find out.
I’ve had a split personality of sorts so far today. I woke with a searing emotional agony, missing my Erin, and have flipped a few times to emotional balance and a desire to resume my studies and meditation practices.
I have to say I have been a little surprised at the intensity of my heart chakra aching…searing pain really…because I haven’t felt it in that manner for a long time. And the deep regrets have come back as well. I know in her expanded consciousness, not locked into our limited brains, she understands but regardless my soul is not going to feel clean until I can make amends. It doesn’t matter what for, only that things of many sorts are brought into my awareness on a daily basis. And each time, I think “I did not need to say that unkind thing.” or “why would I have done that to her?” Whereas most people, going about their lives, think oh, forget it. It was nothing. Blah blah. If I haven’t forgotten I can’t let myself off the hook for it. I can’t go on nonchalantly thinking my words and actions don’t matter. They matter. Yours do too.
I commented on a friend’s thread a day or so ago about her mother dying, and I said have no regrets (or something similar). Some other lady thought she would speak up and, let me just say, while I’m sure you meant well you have no idea lady. You have no idea what it is like to survive the love of your life, your child, and carry regret over things done, things undone, things said and things not said. While death is all about the patient, indeed, it is also transforming to those that continue to live. Sometimes in the most painful ways.
I had less regret over my mother. By the time that we realized what was up with her, it was too late. She had dementia and nothing I said or did would be retained. So we couldn’t talk about what went wrong in our relationship, I could say I’m sorry but it was never received by anything but perhaps her higher self or soul. And she never took the opportunity to make amends with me, for so many things. I came to terms with that though, before she died.
Everyone is different but to those who will now tell me “Oh honey, they hear you, and you can resolve this now with their spirits.” Uh uh. Oh, sure I can. I apologize to Erin every time I have a thought of an event, word, deed, etc. But folks, we are in human bodies having a physical experience. When things do not get resolved in the physical – this physical world – they are unresolved. You all know that I believe that I will see Erin in the physical, again and soon. But until that day, we have unresolved stuff. I ran out of time (that I didn’t know I was running out of) and it eats me alive. I have thought over and over if I only had 5 minutes, or 2, how do I pack it in to say what I need to say. Face to face. I’ve got an idea, as I’ve been over it many times.
One day I will shed this body and then I may discover that with love, everything is fine, resolved, done, complete. But my physical vehicle does not feel that way, now, in this physical world. A world of experiences, touch, sights, sounds, smells, and everything that is part of our realm.
As I was typing that last paragraph, I had a vision of me “cut off” from everything. In some sort of box, screaming but no one could hear or see me. And then, wouldn’t you know it, my internet connection is gone. That is a conversation for another day though. My flow is also gone.
Love to you all. Blessings, Peace, Namaste, Nutsmaste, #missingerin and #LovingErin <3 <3 < 3
