Musings for 10/13/2016

You’ve gotta love the messages that guidance sends. Like when you know good and well your num lock is on, but nothing but / comes out when you type the date on your blog post. Does that means I’m in Zero Point? Golly, that sure would be nice. Yeah I said that sarcastically in Gomer Pyle’s voice as I heard it in my head. Now why in the devil would I have thought of that? I’ve got nothing here.

I suppose this goes right along with the spotty phone service I’m having. Really the issue is that I can hear folks fine, but they say my voice fades in and out. Am I fading in and out? Now that would be rather exciting! Maybe I’m jumping timelines or something. That is probably not it, as I’m also having trouble communicating via email with a friend and mentor. Every time that I try to send her something with (what I consider) important content, Earthlink (her provider) blocks the IP address. I use webmail through my provider, and can update the IP by logging in again. But nope, blocked. I can only send to her right now from my Gmail account, which I only use for business things like job applications and such. Golly Gee (Golly Gmail). And no, I have no idea where this silly shit is coming from with the golly and the gee. I’m just going with what pops out.

While I figure this out, let me at least share something positive. I saw a text from someone who used to work for me last night just before bed, asking if it was still my number. I didn’t answer until this morning because it was just before bed. Anyway, this person had some health and other issues last time I saw them, but last night I dreamed that I saw them and they were very healthy looking. In fact I stopped them and said hey, you look great! They did look good – had lost a bundle of weight and looked very healthy. Come to find out when I answered this morning that this person has had some life changing stuff happen and is very happy. I guess our souls hooked up during dream time to tell me this. I’m very happy for them! Yay!

I have a soul connection to many people who have worked for me over the years, even if they don’t know it. I worry about them and their families, how their current jobs and bosses are treating them, and about their well being. Mostly stuff I can’t do anything about but I do care, and I did when they worked for me too. Even some I don’t particularly care for, I care enough about to hope they are doing well and help them when I can. It’s nice to hear when someone has found happiness.

I am still basically miserable. I have constant reminders of my misery and can’t seem to rise above it sometimes. I put on a pair of pants I had not worn in quite some time over the weekend, and pulled out a hair tie from the pocket. It was a unique hair tie, and was Erin’s. I wanted to throw the damn pants away to be honest. Last night I had some flashbacks of when she first got sick. Those were very painful…if I had pushed harder could I have found out what was wrong with her? No, I know that the answer is no. We took her to every doctor imaginable.

Really my inner child wants to believe that we could have controlled the situation. If my psyche would just realize, though, that we tried our hardest then and failed, then maybe we could let that go. The truth is we are only in control of our actions and reactions. Nothing more. I worked hard on that for years, and that’s the reason I am not a crazy person after all that I have experienced. It is also why I wasn’t a raving lunatic who yelled and screamed at the doctors then. But maybe that lunatic was needed? There wasn’t any urgency with anyone. Appointment scheduled weeks apart. I still know the answer is that it was meant to be. But that is hard to swallow. Should’ve Could’ve Would’ve will slowly kill you.

That’s it for today. I have hit a block and have nothing more to say other than repeating the fact that I am sad.

Blessings, Namaste, Nutsmaste, #missingerin and #LovingErin <3