Musings for 1/18/2017

I sincerely hope that Abraham-Hicks doesn’t mind me using their quote/pic. It had great meaning for me yesterday and that’s what I want to write about today. I have been quiet again. It’s hard to explain why I become paralyzed and unable to interact with the exception of meaningless posts on FaceBook, and for undetermined amounts of time. So maybe I’ll stop apologizing for it (that’s a laugh!) and just say what I have to say.

When I read this yesterday and snagged it, I cried. The first three sentences perfectly describe Erin’s illness, her loss, and the second portion of it describes what I am trying very hard to do now. I have no idea what the context of this quote is. I suppose that I could look it up but it doesn’t really matter since this is a perfect summary.

I spent my entire life trying to control my circumstances. As a fairly young child I had no control over the chaos happening at home. As I grew older I grew angry that my mother wouldn’t give me a stable home life, and I had some degree of success – sometimes – using anger to get her to fall in line. That usually meant I was either bullying her into coming home, or into making whoever was there leave. I was frequently alone and then when she was there, it was utter chaos in the form of drunkenness, sex, and/or general inappropriateness for children. As I got older and more formidable, I could control it a bit better or so I thought. I was really just able to push things away but never bring them closer.

I had a terrible time when I went to college. I had no control! The thermostat, the noise level, you name it, no control. I am ashamed at some of the ways I acted while trying to cope, but the need for control will do that for you. And then when Shaun and I moved in together…we were a lot alike but I could not control him. In fact, the more I tried the more he pushed back. He’s stubborn that way but it was for a purpose that I just couldn’t see at the time.

The joke here is that none of us are in control of anything…except our actions and reactions. That’s all that we get to choose and we are in complete control of those, and have complete responsibility for them. Anything else is beyond our scope of control.

Keep in mind that I have great manifesting power. I mistook this for control. Like when I had terrible credit and needed a car I managed to get one and pay for it. That was a need, and the universe provides for our needs no matter what. Wants are a different story. We don’t always understand the difference between what we need and what we want. It’s hard for us to see with our 3D, physical minds and hearts. Fate and destiny have a huge role. If it’s not meant to be, or if it is, there is little we can do about it even if we worry. In fact, that just makes it worse.

So when Erin got sick, I put a lot of energy into a healing outcome. I brute forced a lot of stuff that just didn’t stick because it wasn’t meant to. I finally, in her last hours, admitted to myself and to Archangel Michael that I was not in control and needed help. Michael is like a cosmic brother to me. I don’t talk about the “woo woo” stuff here much anymore, because many of my readers since Erin have different interests. But I’m going to talk about it now because he is near and dear to me, as if we have known each other for eons. I am not in control. Wow…a lifetime of self-protection out the window in just five words.

I knew I had control issues. That was all that I had at my disposal to shield myself from the onslaught that was my childhood and I thought that at least when I grew up and had my own house that I could control that, right? That I would have a safe, warm, comfy and quiet sanctuary to call my own. It never turned out that way although now, the joke is on me. It’s overly quiet here now. That’s irony for you.

Control was the next best thing to love. I never felt loved unconditionally, and I never loved unconditionally. I learned that. I had no idea what that looked like. It truly means you feel love with no conditions. I love you even though you are a serial killer – and you really feel it. Doesn’t mean you allow them to harm others. It just means you unconditionally love.

Shaun and I wasted many years trying to control each other, taking things personally when what we saw in the other had nothing to do with us. We let it flow over onto our family relationship. And, of course, in the spirit of fear that she would be harmed or turn out badly, we exerted our control over Erin. I’m sure I was overbearing. I wish that I could explain to her why.

After two weeks in intensive care, I still didn’t know it was the end but I was forever changed. I could not have put it into words yet but I finally got it. The night her body died, I knew it was a life long sentence I had been dealt. And as the months have passed, it became clear that somehow “they” expected me to use this as a catalyst to return to a vibration of joy and unconditional love. If I can do it, after all of this, anyone can. It’s will be etched into the world psyche as a template (which I will have to explain later) for others to access.

Well, I discovered unconditional love. Again, the joke is on me. I finally got it and Erin isn’t here to share it with. Now you say you want me to feel good all the time and I’m in control of that? Well, shit, I get it. But that one is a tall order. I don’t quite have that one down yet.

I share these stories with you so that you can use my template. I haven’t thought of templates in years and may have to do some digging to figure out how to explain them. But you know what a template is. Mine is here, all over this blog, for you to access and adapt to your own situation.

For anyone trying to change your life via changing your thoughts, I highly recommend Abraham’s teachings. They have helped me tremendously and each time I see a quote, I am able to look with a different perspective at whatever it is.

And that is the end of my flow for today my friends. Namaste, Nutsmaste, #missingerin #LovingErin and many, many blessings <3