Musings for 2/28/2017

I was absentmindedly thinking today and suddenly got a download. I had asked my higher self to tell me how to lovingly communicate to others that fear is not the answer, and more so what that actually means since not everyone equates their emotions and actions with the core emotion of fear. It was then that I suddenly understood more about my overall journey, and so I want to share that story with you all today.

Many eons ago, I was a genetic engineer of sorts in Atlantis or at least in the Atlantean empire. I have seen this in a past life regression…I was of some sort of aristocracy and life was very rigid. While I enjoyed a lot of privilege, I was expected to feel and act in certain ways and was monitored by a red stone attached to my 3rd eye area (between the brow). The person doing my regression told me that they had a lot of clients who saw this red stone, living in this area where we have Redstone Arsenal and he didn’t think it was a coincidence. Neither do I.

In the period that I witnessed from the now, I was in charge of the monitoring and development of a group of children of many different genetic hybrid species. They all thought of me as their mother and I adored each and every one of them. It wasn’t supposed to be that way though, and you can imagine the despair I felt having to perform experiments on them, some of which resulted in their death. They were not seen as people, much like the slaves were viewed in American history. I could not take it anymore and I attempted to flee.

This regression was probably around 2010, and I have thought about it once or twice in the past several years. Mostly in the context of the fall of Atlantis and the dispersion of the Atlanteans across the world afterward. But today, Maya (my higher self’s name) showed me the rest of the story in full Paul Harvey fashion.

It hurt to love, and I was powerless as a caring and kind person. I also ended up abandoning my “children” to escape the responsibility and the pain that went with it. And while I don’t have other lifetime memories right now to examine, I do have the knowledge that in this present life, I have lived both sides of this trauma again. This time, though, I think I have learned from it.

I started out in this life with an adoring father and a mother who loved me, but I think she was a bit jealous of the attention I got and so was emotionally cut off from me from an early age. Then my father died when I was 4, and by age 7 my mother had not only emotionally but also mostly physically abandoned me as she began her life as a dating woman. I had serious abandonment issues from early childhood and control issues as well. I could not control my environment either at home or otherwise, and the person who should have been giving me a safe place to exist couldn’t be counted on. I can imagine my “children” from so long ago felt much the same way.

Sometime around the 7th grade my mother said to me “Are you popular at school?” That must have been a predestined trigger, because I promptly ditched every friend I had and became someone else. I adopted the attitudes of the popular kids, their dress, their mannerisms. Most of that was not a positive change. Many of these other kids were mean, wealthy, and privileged. They were not kind, and they weren’t kind to me because I was an outsider. Around the time I was about to have a mental breakdown, I went even deeper into this persona and excelled at it for many years thereafter.

But let’s talk about what it DID do for me…it protected my loving, confused, and broken heart. I TOOK control and I enforced my will upon whomever I could. It appeared to me that it was either eat or be eaten, and some part of me could not withstand being eaten again. And I didn’t care that it was at the expense of others. In fact, I walled off empathy and compassion completely for many years.

Years later in college, the hard shell began to crack. I saw people being treated badly for being different and I didn’t like it, but I didn’t yet know what to do with it. I also was a history major with an anthropology minor, and it was making wheels turn. It was changing me.

By the late 1990’s I found the Nibiruan Council while doing research for a paper in the Traditional Epic class I was taking in graduate school. It flipped all of the right switches for me and the information felt very natural. I also began intense emotional clearing. For those of you who don’t know what that is, you examine all of your hurts, your anger, your guilt and shame – all of those lower emotions. And you peel back to the onion so to speak, and you forgive yourself, the others involved, you see the lessons and value, and you heal and dump baggage. Without doing that work back then and much in between then and now, I would not be here.

I have spoken about my regrets, sometimes in detail and sometimes generally. I have to admit that I was jealous of Erin and Shaun’s relationship much like I assume my mother was. I let Shaun and my problems permeate everything I did and didn’t do as well. I spent a lot of time away from my family and on the computer because I felt like no one would let me have time to myself. Sometimes I would spend extra time if I was asked to get off and come join them, just out of spite. I resented that he liked to do family time watching TV and that Erin also thought that was spending time together. I was chronically tired and would throw fits if she wanted to come sleep with us. I was very unloving at times, and yet I loved her fiercely.

Mind you, some of these things I did not see clearly until after she was gone. I would never have spited her, although I did once and that’s another story. I thought I knew how to love unconditionally but the truth is that I did not, as I had never experienced that feeling before myself and so how could I know? No one had ever loved me unconditionally, although I’m sure Erin did looking back.

I also managed and controlled everyone in my chaotic household to the best extent that I could. And when she got sick, I desperately tried to control that too. I pulled out every tool in my book, spoke explicitly to the doctors (i.e., controlled the information) and tried to let them work their process while I kept tabs. A few days before she died, I admitted to myself that I am not in control. Of anything. Period. And I never was. At times I had been able to brute force something energetically that I wanted or needed but that wasn’t control. It was just where the energy was flowing. I was directly opposed to all that the universe had to offer me by doing this, instead of asking to be guided to the answers.

It wasn’t very long after she was gone that I realized that I had experienced pure, unconditional love. I now know what it feels like. Which is wonderful and uplifting. It came at such a dire price though. Whether this life is an illusion or not, it’s real enough while we are in it and it hurts. A lot.

I told you all of this to say that all of my deep seated fears came back to me in this life. All of my shame and guilt, and regret. Instead of pushing myself into further separation, though, I get it now. Love is the only way. I wish I could touch you or otherwise communicate it without words, and then you could feel and see it as clearly as I do. Because unconditional love, the Christ Consciousness love, cannot be described with words. That is why Jesus showed us through his actions, although he did have some great quotes to go along with those.

I have more rolling around in my mind but have the feeling I should stop now before I muddy the message. Blessings and peace to you all. Much love, and Namaste. And #missingerin until I am beside her again <3