Musings for 4/6/2017

Fear. Most of us don’t even realize that fear permeates our daily lives, our bodies, minds, and virtually anything we consciously experience. Sometimes it rears it’s ugly head as plain old fear, but usually it’s masked as something more along the lines of guilt, anger, shame, superstition, OCD type behaviors, and even seemingly positive emotional responses.

Over the last few days I have had to confront my eons old control issue and at the same time I did not see it clearly. A trusted mentor told me that some things I was feeling, at the time guilt and frustration, really just led back to my control issue. Unable to control the outcome sums it up, and yes, I certainly do not like that. But even a need for control is just a symptom, and I was also unable to see the link to fear.

Why would I link it to fear? Well, on an emotional scale the general guidance is that Love is at the positive end and Fear is at the negative end. You can find more detailed scales, some which associate the emotion with measured Hertz wavelengths, but I have included an easy one here. I learned this years ago doing emotional clearing work, and while I don’t use it often, sometimes you have to go back to basics to figure something out.

I also started using my tarot again, mostly for fun but they brought some understanding too. Basically my unfocused energy is creating frustration, and while I’m at the end of one cycle and beginning of another, I am doing myself an injustice with the inaction and lack of focus. It was a clear message, and subsequent messages indicated that further understanding is needed. Then, during a guided meditation that I did, in popped an understanding of what the deeper meaning of the grief I experience is – FEAR.

Have you ever read FEAR is False Evidence Appearing Real? That’s a cliche that many throw around but it’s also very on point. I am afraid of not seeing Erin again, of believing and of hope, and of everything I know being false and illusion. I’m afraid of the long time it may be before we are together again. And other stuff, but all generally related.

I never acknowledged fear much before Erin left her body. Now I must confront it head on and make it my friend it seems. I’ve got to find gratitude or I will never move beyond it. I’m really OK with the grief, but I have a deep understanding of how fear motivates thoughts and actions in a negative way. So I need to figure this one out.

It is true that when I am hopeful and, well, any combo of the three positive lines of stuff above, that I do not feel grief (fear). I feel nothing but love, and an sureness that things will turn out in a loving, positive way. I do have expectations attached to that, but I’m in a human body with a human mind, and so that is natural.

For lack of anything more constructive, I want to thank Fear today for several things.

Thank you Fear for giving me an opportunity to really examine what I know, why I know it, and in doing so keeping what serves my highest good and discarding the rest. I really had to examine my Belief System (BS! Haha!) after Erin left her body, and holding myself to things I truly believe has been a challenge. I know that when this is over, I will truly Believe versus just Know, whatever it may be.

Thank you Fear for sticking with me when I was stripped bare, raw, and was in the depths of despair. Without you, I might have left my own body and (UGH) had to repeat this lifetime of lessons over again. I certainly would not have had the wherewithal to do things like eat, brush my teeth, and take a bath if I had not been “afraid” of things like tooth decay and smelling bad.

Thank you Fear for immediately showing me what I was most afraid of after Erin left her body. You gave me my first thought, which was “I have to live the rest of my life without her.” And that is still my biggest fear, but it also spurred all of the other emotional stripping, processing, belief system examining, and everything else that I have done including diversion and distraction. It mobilized me to action, even if I didn’t know what that action was for.

Thank you Fear for walking with me on this journey, so that I could get to this point and be able to rise above where You are. I still need you around for things like “Don’t put your foot on that wet sidewalk” and stuff like that, but I hope to outgrow my need for you soon. No offense. It is a testament to how good you are at your job and also how good I am at learning. So we both win.

Thank you Fear for causing me to change habits that really didn’t serve me. Since I feared despair, I no longer eat ice cream, sweets including chocolate, macaroni and cheese, fast food (except McDonald’s breakfast on occasion!) and a host of other things that I used to eat with Erin. Those things weren’t good for me anyway. I also thank you for the scare you gave me that time I drank way too much, so that I could see that I was self-medicating. I didn’t need to do that either.

And thank you Fear for the breakdown the other day that spurred this line of contemplation. I have grown from it and I understand more today than I did yesterday. That’s the entire point, and I am grateful for this and other things that don’t come to mind at this time. I release you from your role and from blame.

I also want to mention that most of the time Fear is the instrument of our Inner Child (or Ego), who is most likely protecting the both the body and the psyche. That is another story, but in this case, my Inner Child, whose name is Hyacinth, was just as debilitated as I was and so we experienced this journey in an integrative way, together.

I am more at ease but it still hurts. I guess the universe had to give me something absolutely and completely out of my control so that I would just throw the damn towel in. It sure did a good job 🙂

Namaste and #missingerin <3