Musings for 5/8/2017

So last night wow, what an awful night. I kept having the same dream stuff over and over. It was as if we – me and a group of people I knew in the dream but don’t remember now – kept trying to get away from someone or some thing. It was very long and drawn out. I remembered most of it each time I would wake up but finally woke up after having an uncomfortable experience. I had shifted bodies to experience what another person was experiencing, and they were wearing a white turtle neck that they had been forced to wear. The neck part was very thick, and constricting, and they felt as if they were suffocating. Let me rephrase – I felt like I was going to suffocate. I could feel the fabric on my neck and I was considering how in the world to get it over my head (didn’t see any scissors). It must have been a punishment – just before I went into his body this man said “Can I please take this off now?” Anyway, when I woke up I could still feel it on my neck. I also have dreams where clothes are constricting on a fairly regular basis. I usually rip or cut them off of me, but not before a moment of panic. This time there didn’t seem to be a way out of it and I was panicked.

I was thinking, OK let’s stay awake a bit and not go back into that dream, and damn if I didn’t suddenly get the feeling of missing Erin so badly I was then in agony. I have no idea how long I was awake, but judging from how tired I am I would say it was an hour or longer. I laid there in agony with a hurting left hip (it does that during the night sometimes) and an aching heart. In my mind and heart I called out for help, and at some point I decided I just couldn’t go on other than to fulfill whatever it is that I’m still here for. I also halfheartedly decided I am tired of the internet, tired of keeping a website and a FB page, and tired of even being connected to people. It’s not you, it’s me. I just can’t see the point and I am physically and emotionally drained.

During all of this I wondered what the point of love is. I have, for a long time, at least tried to do the loving thing and I have gotten nothing except grief in return. Despite it though, I still have a strong feeling of love for all things. I admit I am confused, not so much to dwell on it but I am confused because logically it doesn’t make sense.

I have lost my connection and I guess I need to take some time to find it. It manifested literally with my work email. I can receive messages and read them, but I can’t respond on my Outlook client. A bit earlier I lost all connectivity on anything except my phone (mail). As my 9th grade English teacher would often quote, Alone, alone, on a wide wide sea. Never a saint took pity on my soul in agony. …

For those of you who have been reading, this is a descent into madness. It may not show on the outside but I am barely holding on inside and it seems to be getting worse. I realize that if I would just stuff the emotions or turn them off, I would probably be faring normally. And I do that sometimes, when I have to. Like when we are face to face socially, or when I’m with work colleagues. People aren’t comfortable with a barrage of tears and so I flip that switch to make both of us comfortable. I’m just not that person who is going to stuff these emotions though, for so many reasons. The problem is they are eating me up inside and there is no way out. Truly, I live the religious version of hell every single day. That’s what it feels like. Maybe you do too and you haven’t related it that way. Before, I would have told you to persist. To survive. But what happens to us when we are so tired that we no longer give a damn?

There has been something I wanted to write about for the last week and every time I begin typing it completely leaves my memory. I wonder what it is, if it’s important but just not for public consumption?

Thanks for walking with me during my most current dark night of the soul. You are very loved and appreciated <3 I know that I will survive, so please don’t worry. It’s my luck to do so. I never get the easy way out and I am a team player and care giver at heart. I guess my only words of wisdom for anyone grieving is if I can do it, you can too. And when you say “I don’t want to,” me either, but if we were meant to get the easy way out it would have been us who left and not them.

Namaste, and #missingerin <3 🙁

PS – I did not forget that my brother in law, Greg Canter, was found deceased on May 6, 2014. I just couldn’t bring myself to write about it over the weekend. We miss him too, though not in the same way we miss Erin. He would understand – he loved her dearly too.