Despite my best efforts, this month is taking a toll on me. I am very tired, achy, and right now have a smashing case of brain fog. It’s true that ignoring something doesn’t make it go away or better, but sometimes you just have to not consciously think about things.
I literally think of Erin mostly all day every day. As soon as I wake up, I say Good morning Erin. I pass her room, sometimes boldly looking inside and retreating when the tears flow. I think of her when I do my morning routine, when I look in the pantry and see her shelf (even though it has our stuff on it now). I had cereal this morning for the first time in almost 3 years and I thought of her. I thought of her when I was on the cereal aisle, too.
I think of her when I see something she might like, or something silly, or something I know she did like. I think of her when there is something new – a new restaurant, store, etc. that she would have liked. Etc. etc. but that brings up new problems… It’s painful for me to go to places Erin liked. It’s also painful to go to places she would have liked. Every new experience is #missingerin and so it’s a real bummer.
I have to skip over songs I’ve loved for years because she loved them. If I have to explain that for you (I’ve had to explain the concept before…) it’s because it f’ing makes me cry, and shit, I can’t cry all f’ing day every day. That takes a toll for sure. I see families in the grocery store and I try to manage a smile as I stare in the other direction. The inner dialogue is something like “That’s a nice family. I had a family once. I don’t have a family now. I miss Erin.” etc. etc. and while that happens in like a split second, it really sucks. I still get upset when I use a public restroom – every damn time. Some of you may remember that while she was 10 years old, I did not let her go alone into the bathroom. I didn’t trust other people to not harm my baby, so I kept an eye on her and at least stood outside waiting.
Can’t go to the pool – I try sometimes but it’s always a bummer. Can’t go hiking – bummer. Riding bikes – bummer. Walking in our neighborhood – bummer. Passing the school, seeing pictures of our family friends, going in our back yard, the list never ends.
And oh, sick children…if your child is sick I am more sorry than I can bear to tell you and probably somewhat conflicted about the fact that they get better. Don’t get me wrong, I do not want anyone to be in the club I am in and I wouldn’t wish that on you for any amount of money. But moving on, I also cannot bear to be involved in the whole affair of child sickness unless I absolutely have to. It’s like giving blood. I don’t like needles, especially those big ones. I do not give blood, but I’d suck it up and give it to you if you needed my blood. I suck it up and visit people I care about in hospitals, go to funerals, and will offer my love and support as best as I can for your sick child. But you probably won’t hear from me, and I’m sorry. I’m somewhat ashamed of that but it’s the best I can do, and I’ve learned that I can only do as much as I can do without having a nervous breakdown.
Erin not being here permeates my entire life. And Shaun’s too. I’ll speak for him here because I know it’s true. Even though I firmly believe I will see her again and soon, it’s been over 1000 days since I have seen her, heard her voice, held her hand. That is tough and mostly unbearable. I miss you Erin. Every minute of every day.
For those local, please consider honoring Erin by going to the Go for the Gold event here at McMullen Cove on September 16. You can walk or run or just attend in support.
Namaste and #missingerin <3
