Musings for 8/7/2017

Well I keep hearing we have to leave our baggage if we’re willing during this month of August. I guess on some level I must be willing but on this conscious level, I’m dang confused. I’m also laughing at myself because I tend to have issues come up that I have to confront head on just like that, even though they have been there for a long time. By just like that, I mean I got something in my mind and cannot let go of it. It’s actually causing me a stomach ache, which is why I’m here writing to get it out.

Now the trigger is rather stupid, and I’m almost ashamed to tell you what it is but it was the trigger that got me going down this road so I’ll share it. Saturday night I went to a local place that has beer and bands and was having a lovely time. That is until I went to the bathroom and came back, and decided I’d take the shortcut across the dance floor. There was plenty of room for me to walk but somehow in the middle someone elbowed me and my beer spilled all over the front of me. I was like what a bummer and kept going. But before I could get back to Shaun and company, some really mad lady comes up behind me and yells “You spilled your beer all over me!” To which I replied calmly “I did not, someone spilled my beer on me.” So she yelled and repeated it and I more firmly said the same thing adding “And I didn’t even bother to get mad or mention it.”

Well after that, I was very uncomfortable. I was a little afraid this lady was going to catch me and act a fool next time I went to the bathroom (someone actually walked me to the bathroom the next time), and I was wondering had I in fact been the cause of this stuff? I still cannot see how I was. I figure that she probably elbowed me and her beer spilled and mine too. Anyway, now on to the root cause.

The one thing I took away from that experience was the feeling that I had when I very firmly said “No I didn’t do that.” It was one of conviction that was spontaneous and I felt it deeply. But what I’ve done since then is second, third, fourth, etc. guess myself. I have gone over the memory in my mind. I’ve wondered why I just didn’t apologize to her saying “I’m sorry that happened.” Or something? I have reviewed her outfit, her hair, all sorts of things. I have literally said “No I didn’t” out loud in an attempt to convince myself of something I already know but cannot live through my being.

And this isn’t the first time. I sometimes go over conversations I had 30 years ago (seriously – that long!) and dissect them and then feel bad for things that I really have no idea are mine to feel badly for. Even things I am only partially responsible for, I take full responsibility and bear the emotional load. I have been doing this since I was a child and one counselor called it being the “vent” for my family. I vented a lot but usually it wasn’t anything that was mine. Say someone would not want to tell my mother something, well I would tell her. I took responsibility that was not mine and I was asked to tell her in particular things a lot.

It doesn’t matter that I have done the best I could at any given moment (and yes, times that I haven’t given my best too). It doesn’t matter that I’m not the same person I was then. I’m being eaten alive by shoulds and coulds, and the event this weekend really just brought it to my attention in a big way.

To the lady who got her drink spilled on her – I am sorry you got wet. I’m fairly sure it was not my fault, or at least not all of my fault. But from this moment on, I, Nicole Leigh Hunt Canter, release anything that is not mine back to whence it came. And I refuse to take on anything that is not mine in the future.

I felt a release, but I feel a deeper layer to my problem. UGH. Almost time for dinner, and my flow is over.

Love, Blessings, and Namaste #missingerin