So I posted on my Missingerin.net site, but I don’t fully express there because there is always the chance that one of her friends might be reading it. I do not want a child to have to be exposed to the immense feelings of grief and well, negativity that it brings.
At home, we can’t even talk about it. It. This. I guess we could but why possibly throw the other into an even deeper depression? There is no point. I know how deeply sad Shaun is and he knows how deeply sad I am. I admit sometimes just blurting it out would make me feel better, but again, what if he’s having a good moment right then? I don’t want to drag him down with me. It’s hard enough every morning to lift yourself out of the hole from the previous day.
I took 2 melatonin last night and they didn’t even touch whatever biological processes were going on in my body. I finally went to sleep, but didn’t stay asleep. I did dream but I don’t know what it was. It felt like busy work, just something to pass the time. I pulled weeds in my yard most of yesterday to pass the time, but even that made me think of Erin. When we first moved in here, I spent the first summer pulling weeds because our sod was so awful.
I really hate this damn anniversary. It is really no different than any other day, but it’s a definite reminder of why I’m sad every other day. I dread the days before it and will recover in the days after it. To my friend who suggested I get angry…I’m angry today. I can’t put the anger into words but I’m angry.
Please think of Shaun and I today. This calendar date is a reminder of the worst day of our lives and the reason for the prison that we will live in until these bodies expire. We haven’t forgotten any of your kindness and we appreciate it immensely. And please think of any other parent you know who has lost their baby, no matter what age. Just send your love, and tell them you are thinking of them. Give them a hug. You can never make them feel better but you can keep them going.
As you can see I have no flow today, so I’ll just end here. I love you all <3 #missingerin
