Thank you so, so much for the kind words yesterday. I am always pleasantly amazed, and I think that is wonderful that I can feel amazement and kindness and love at 46 years old. Those are good things about this world we call home and they would not be possible without each of you who pays it forward.
Also, thank you to those who remembered, and acknowledged, the reasons why my birthday is not ever happy. Not only am I without my baby, but her service was on my birthday. For those who don’t remember why I would have planned such a thing, well, it was ruined anyway and so we planned it when they could accommodate it.
I can be thankful for the turmoil that my post a couple of days ago caused, because while I had a large degree of anxiety (for several reasons) Erin was not at the forefront of my mind at most times this week.
As for the anxiety, it’s not something I can control and it can be triggered by literally anything stressful. That could be dropping a fork on the floor after I pick it up – literally anything. The stress response is generally way off the scales for what the trigger was and it became this way over time the last 3 years. You probably wouldn’t know unless you knew me well enough to see subtle signs. It just feels very crappy, like someone is giving me shock treatment and turning up the dial.
So yesterday, I had a lovely lunch with someone I’ve known a long time. She happens to be a person of color and we spoke about how it is important for people to talk about what is happening with hateful speech and actions in our world. It is very awkward and can be painful, but it’s necessary. I think that maybe, just maybe, that is why it has not been healed yet. We ended slavery, etc. blah blah. And no, none of us here were slaves or owned them. But we’ve never talked about it. Made amends. Said how we feel. Acknowledged how someone else feels. Not as a culture anyway. Not as Earth humans. So let’s do that, let’s heal.
Please do not get me wrong. Slavery was just one issue we as humans have brought into our mass consciousness of right now. Just one, but an important one.
After my liberating lunch conversation, and great company and food, I took a few minutes to grab some items since I was out at Bridge Street. Lo and behold, I was shocked to go into ULTA for powder and eye liner and find my favorite eye liner back in stock! I had not been able to find Rockstar even on the Urban Decay website, but there it was. Yay! And I got a free eye shadow palette. I was on a roll so went down to White House Black Market, where I got a shirt and pair of shorts, both on sale. Finally, I spent too much but loved the shirt I got at Lucky Brand. I also got some oversized hoop ear rings. Totally not like me but I like them. I have eclectic taste anyway.
Then after work, I was able to see Wonder Woman, finally! Yay! It was awesome. I could really feel the Divine Feminine coming in through her. Many people don’t understand divine feminine, or even feminism for that matter (even some feminists). It’s not about dominating the other sex. It’s about adding value to, balancing out, creation, and so much more. Just as we cannot exist alone, neither can we exist without a balance of both polarities. Union. Unity. Love.
I am doing some intense emotional clearing again and hope to be more aware before the eclipse on Monday. I really don’t want to bring such old baggage in with me ya know? You can think of it as like when you are baptized. You are symbolically washed clean, but you still have to do the work to grow, change, and let go. YOU STILL HAVE TO DO THE WORK. And the work sucks let me tell you! But you’ve got to face your demons so to speak to get them the F out of your house for good 🙂
I have to admit that I am surprised that my age old issue of abandonment is up again! Well, it was a core issue that I was pretty much born with, so I should not be surprised. I hope that I can get to the root of this flavor of abandonment sooner than later so I can move on. It’s like, mmmmm, this abandonment takes like pig urine. Different from last time’s dog shit! LOL I’m also still looking at control issues. Being emotionally raw isn’t very pleasant but I see the value and am willing to be a trooper and keep going.
If I had not had the hell that is my life happen to me, I would not be who I am today. There is tremendous value in that. And I would not be able to work on the level of self-healing that I am able to work at. So I am thankful for my life experiences. I believe that now I am about to dive into bloodline or karmic healing. If anyone out there knows a good practitioner who works along these lines, please send their info.
I don’t know if I will be able to write before the eclipse. Tonight I am going to go be joyful and drink beer with friends who I love. If I’m lucky I’ll be able to raise a little hell without disturbing the Force too badly, and I’m really hoping there is some karaoke in my immediate future. So anyway, that’s the long way of me saying I’d love to see you tonight, and if I don’t, have an absolutely magical eclipse experience!
Love and blessings, and #missingerin <3
