Musings for 8/27/2017

Grieving never ends. It doesn’t matter what I am doing in the moment, something always brings me back to Erin. It’s usually inconvenient, and always unpleasant. For awhile – all month for sure – I’ve been pushing it down and back. How I have felt this weekend, though, is proof that it’s there regardless of what my mind and body are doing to keep it locked away. I’m deeply depressed, and I have a ton of anxiety. The anxiety is spilling into my physical body to the point I can’t sit still, concentrate, or even settle down to go to sleep.

You would think that I would step up my game with yoga, meditation, etc. but nope, I step away from those things the worse that I feel. I bet many of you do too. People looking in from the outside probably do not understand this but the best that I can tell you is that at some point, you become so raw inside that the best you can do is just shield yourself from everything and just exist. It’s like you are on fire and you just have to wait for it to burn out. I can’t speak for everyone who is depressed but I know I can speak for those who have lost their children, and many who have lost others who meant that much to them.

Spiritual and religious help falls short. Very short. It really doesn’t matter if we are eternal beings, or that our soul/self continues after the body dies, or anything else you can think of. It doesn’t matter because we are in physical bodies on a physical plane of existence, and we are experiencing separation from someone that we love so much that we would rather give our own lives for theirs. Or be physically dead with them. It’s unbearable at best and I can’t even describe the worst with words.

I have no point in writing today other than to express, and to tell others who are feeling poorly that you are not alone. Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to be however you need to be in this now.

Love, and blessings, and #missingerin <3