Musings for 9/15/2017

If you don’t know who the fellow in the various pictures is – the guy having his liver eaten by an eagle – it’s Prometheus. He was chained and had to endure the eagle eating his liver daily (he was immortal, and it would regenerate each night). This was a punishment for giving humans the element of fire.

Although he was eventually freed by Heracles (Hercules), and the death of Chiron, he endured this torture for many years. Eons maybe. Day in and day out he endured the hell that was having his liver eaten and being chained to the same spot. Stuck if you will. Alone.

I’ve decided to use different depictions of Prometheus on days that I feel like I imagine he felt. Which is every day lately. Honestly I’d rather have my liver eaten. It’s too bad that some malicious, or even benevolent, god can’t arrange that for me in lieu of the hell that is my daily existence.

You would think that I would have understood by now that all of the distraction I create on a constant basis is an effort to not be present in my now. In my body. I apologized to my body for this yesterday. It’s not my body’s fault that I hate being tethered to it, hate having to feel human emotions. The truth is that I wouldn’t have it any other way. I understand the value of feeling, of emotion, and how it informs logic and any other process going on with a being of any kind. So I am trying to be present, but being present just sucks.

I’m also revisiting an eons old issue – abandonment. Yep, eons. Even if you personally don’t believe in past lives, I think you will agree with me that 46 years equates to “eons” LOL. As a baby I felt emotionally abandoned (discovered through much regression and energy work), then at age 4 my father died and “left” me. By age 7, my mother was leaving me to go elsewhere all the time and had further emotionally abandoned me. This cycle repeated many times over my lifetime in various relationships and situations. Different shit, same root issue/trigger.

The interesting thing I have observed is that I actually like alone time, and that the more emotionally mature that I grow, the more people leave. The closest ones through death, which is very permanent, at least here in 3D earth.

I’ve done many regressions, visited many important lifetimes and events, and this is a theme that runs through them all. But I believe that I started my human journey by leaving those close to me to better understand what it is to be human. I’ve determined that to be human means to suffer. Our game is not set up to win, and it’s not in any way fair. And we have no control over any of it. We can’t even turn the game off and start over.

If, as I’ve read many times, I will one day be on the “other side” and everyone will say “You were never alone!” … I think I will give them the middle finger. I mean c’mon guys. WTH.

So I guess I even abandon myself by not staying present, not being able to stand being in the body. I even write here in an effort (at least sometimes) to expel pain and sorrow. And Body, I’m sorry for that, but I don’t know what else to do. This place is hard enough, but if you have a developed emotional body it’s almost unbearable even on good days. By the way, I theorize that in the past few decades, we as humans on earth have developed our emotional bodies to the point where the suffering is killing us. Or else we fill our time with Kardashian’s and other useless shit to take our minds off how shitty our lives are. If you ever wonder why people do that, or why they drink, or skydive or whatever gives them a numb or a thrill. It’s because they are miserable. Maybe not all of the same levels of miserable, but at least some level. We need to blow off steam, take our minds off of stuff, and sometimes just drown our misery in something that takes us away from our existence even if for a moment.

If there is any positive in this, it’s that by developing our emotions we now have a great capacity for love. The unconditional sort that was so obviously confusing a few thousand years ago when the Christed beings started incarnating, like Jesus and Buddha, to tell us about it. We must be slow on the uptake because a couple thousand years is a long damn time. But we have the capacity now, and having experienced it once you will almost always choose it and the pain that comes with it. We still live in a world of duality so it’s a package deal.

I started this earlier and had to come back to finish it, but you’ll be pleased to know that I’ve been in misery all day. Maybe not pleased, but at least you know I didn’t exaggerate about the utter misery that is my daily life.

I’m off to find dinner and watch the Defenders on Netflix. Their lives suck too but at least they have a purpose and can help the downtrodden. See you all tomorrow at the Go for the Gold event. I’ll have my best smile on and so will Shaun. It will at least be heartwarming to see our dearest friends there supporting us and remembering Erin.

#missingerin <3