I have had a lot of grief this week. It’s fresh, just like I picked it up from the store yesterday. Of course I do a lot of inner pondering and such, and one of the topics that I mulled over was living in the now. That’s a big thing you know. I actually enjoyed the book The Power of Now by Ekhart Tolle, and have read many things about living in the now vs the past or future. Not that they have not made sense, but they are clearly missing something because they all indicate that things are better if you live in the now. My now isn’t so rosy.
In fact, I realized that right now I am yearning for Erin. So I sometimes do go to the future, when I can be with her again. Or to the past, reliving happy and not so happy moments, and I am miserable about both things done and things that can’t be undone. The now is better than that I suppose, but it still sucks ass. By the way, the future doesn’t bring me any respite either. I can’t control how that turns out, or when it turns out. I will agree that the now is better, but not great. Why can’t anyone provide good advice for missing someone you love that deeply? I’m telling you they can’t, so please no well-meaning advice. I’ve read it all. All of the tenets about attitude and changing your perceptions thus changing your reality blah blah – doesn’t apply here.
Right now I’m thinking back to a comment I got at Erin’s service…a question really…are you having more children? As if that will fix things. UGH.
I honestly cannot think about anyone else that I may even remotely miss right now. It’s too much. The holidays are too much. I want to tell Shaun how absofuckinglutely miserable I am, but I know he is miserable too and I hate to dump that on him. So I tell you. Thanks for listening. I have to get it out here so I don’t ugly cry out in public. I’m on the verge of that again. Been crying in the car for the past week. That’s not great and I hate arriving somewhere with a red puffy face. So I hold it in, which also isn’t great. It ends up spilling over.
I miss Erin right now. And while I assume that I will write again before year end, I may not. I haven’t had it in me until right now.
Please, consider choosing love over everything else in all of your words and deeds. I am haunted by moments where I was unkind and unloving. I’ve told you that before, but yes, 3+ years later I am still in pain over them and I will continue to be.
Please, consider that when you judge someone, you are not being loving. Your words hurt, and your hard heart hurts not only others but you too.
Please put living beings ahead of financial fears and gains. I promise you that life is what matters. Love is what matters. And you really cannot take money with you. But you can take love across all of eternity.
Please remember that you have no idea what someone else is going through, or what makes them say and do the things that they do. Kindness and love from you can turn their day around.
Lastly, please remember that just like hate, Love is contagious. It’s like a virus and you can and should give it to others. It spreads and it’s the anecdote to what ails us. Without love, I would not be here now. It’s a terrible irony but it’s true nonetheless. Without YOUR love.
Blessings from Shaun and I to you, and much love. And always #missingerin <3
1 comments
Love you dear friend ❤️