This has been a tough weekend for me and I think I’m finally able and ready to process (and talk about) it.
I have had a lot of moving energy lately. Sometimes people don’t know what I mean by that so let me explain. Anytime that you feel emotions, it’s moving energy. Anytime that you do anything physically, it’s moving energy. We are made of energy and our emotional bodies, mental bodies, and physical bodies are all part of one unit, and any change from minute to minute is moving energy.
When Erin’s body died, I had a tsunami of moving energy. For a long while I was simply unable to withstand any movement at all, and so there was very little change. Even before this happened I desired peace and tried to control my environment to that end (it didn’t work). Afterward, it was paramount that I control my environment but that meant being a recluse and staying indoors where I had some degree of control. When I went out, I tended to do things like drink too much so that I could get away from having to deal. Ironic that I lost control to gain it in my mind and heart, at least for a moment.
So the moving energy has been tiring to say the least. I’m back to being somewhat bewildered and it’s been a tough time. I have made a lot of progress personally and the evidence is the outward manifestation of moving energy – career developments, the flow of selling and buying a house, etc. And so I guess that my psyche thought I was ready for something a little larger in that some past life work I had done in pieces over the last 10 years was back in the picture, with some new revelations.
Many of us have memories of being in Atlantis. Even if you do not have memories outright, if you are drawn to the idea of Atlantis chances are you were incarnated there or you wouldn’t have the pull towards it. Atlantis, much like the present-day United States, was once a beacon of light and the pinnacle of technology and civilization. And much like the present-day US, its demise began and ended through corruption and a turning away from the sacred duty of living in harmony with our planet. (No, the US has not imploded yet, but sadly we are repeating history)
Without boring those of you who aren’t “into this stuff” with my past life journey, let me just say that I turned away from natural laws and from right action. I put greed and a lust for power, as well as the idea that I could do anything that I wanted to without consequence, I put that ahead of what was right. Others were harmed both emotionally and physically. I participated with so many others, but none of them matter for these purposes, only me. So how do you make amends for something that happened so many eons ago?
Thus far I have balanced the karma, first and foremost through the death of my child. That was my karma come full circle. I suppose it must have been Shaun’s too, although I have not asked about his role as it’s his and not mine. I have also experienced the horror of being a child in unsafe situations with no control over your environment or reality. I said horror…that’s a strong word but that’s what the emotional sentiment is and so I used it. I feel that I have already experienced all of the situations and nuances of the other side of the coin, and now I understand. I feel it and understand it logically and have a complete picture. I have always said that just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. Well, all of that sums up the lessons of this lifetime.
The deeper understanding of all of this opened deeper wounds, and well, that sort of sucks. I know that I need to make amends, and as noted already, how do you do that NOW? I had already gotten the message and just didn’t understand the significance of it. Show them there is a better way. Lead through your actions and example. Be the best person you can be every single day. Learn from your regrets and experiences and BE BETTER. Don’t let the past be in vain. Instead, do something about it by changing who you are and the energy you put out.
I feel like I have just finished a very long and tedious puzzle and I should shout Eureka! But I’m not feeling it. I just feel tired and bewildered. And sad. Maybe I’m sad because the puzzle is over? Or maybe it’s the carnage left in my wake. The lost opportunities for happiness and love perhaps. Or maybe I am not seeing the crystal city at the end of the long road that I thought would be there.
And this house…what a load of stress. I have a list of things that must be done before we can move and selling this house is one of them. It needs a family. I feel that perfect family is already there but why am I not seeing a contract yet? Letting go is not my strong suit and especially not today or this week.
I did draw two tarot cards from my Wildwood deck and they were the Green Man and the Archer. The Green Man is telling me to step into my power and the Archer is showing me how to take aim and make it become a reality. But I feel like I don’t know how to let go of the bow.
Such is my world today. Sorry for the chaotic energy. I feel like I have a black hole inside of me. I guess that could be good or bad and it depends on what I do with it. UGH.
Blessings and love, and #missingerin
