Good morning! I was going to launch right into speaking with you, but then remembered that I’m trying to remember to greet people first. I have a one track mind sometimes and forget there is polite conversation to be had. So good morning!
Now…first thing I got up and went out to my office area, and opened the blinds. Who knew that opening those blinds and looking out at the street would spark a deep depressed feeling? I sure didn’t. I’m not even sure what the trigger was, but it was real and it was deep. I am coming out of it a bit but it’s still there. I suspect that our entire neighborhood has Erin triggers and any angle I view triggers memories. UGH.
I love my memories and I do not want to lose them, but they cause me a lot of pain. It’s hard missing someone, and when it’s your child it sort of just tears you apart on a constant basis. UGH again.
Yesterday after writing, then crying, I ate two pieces of lemon pie and about 5-6 chocolate chip cookies that I had made for the open house we had on Sunday. I don’t know what contest I was in but I won. I ate the most sugar and calories. Hip hip hooray! I also took off work early because I felt bad, and finally felt somewhat better after taking a salt bath and irrigating my sinuses. I live a glamorous life.
Took a break and came back to this. I have sold the dining room furniture this morning to a lady through a very nice interior decorator. Well I assume that’s what she is, she keeps talking about “my client.” Nice lady anyway. Really the only other thing I am for sure getting rid of is probably my dad’s desk (I have nowhere for it), which he bought in 1968 because he needed a desk to work on his master’s degree stuff on. Oh, and the massively huge round coffee table upstairs. Why did we buy such a big table? I have no idea. It’s too big for our space and I hate dusting it (yes I’m that lazy).
I’ll be saying another goodbye soon. On the weekend of the 13th I’m traveling to Indianola, MS to celebrate my Aunt Shirley’s life and sprinkle some ashes on the graves of my grandparents and aunts and uncles. That will probably be the last time I will ever visit Indianola or their graves, unless some other life event brings me there. Everyone who lived there is either gone or dead now. I guess it’s sad that it’s an ending you know? But they aren’t there anymore. Their remains are, but they aren’t in those bones any longer. I think it’s the land I will miss, and the memories.
Reflecting on this has made me less sad. Running from it doesn’t resolve anything, but talking about it (and this counts as talking) helps to process it and move through it. None of us need to carry heavy baggage like grief and sadness with us. I had the opportunity to see something this morning talking about “strong women.” We are all strong. We just don’t have opportunity to hone those muscles until we have to tow that heavy stuff. We do what we’ve got to do but after awhile enough is enough. I am ready to shed this body, or at least the energetic portion, and move on to whatever comes next. Whatever serves me better you know? I wish the same for each and every one of you.
I guess that is all because the flow has left the building. Love and blessings, and #missingerin <3
