Musings for 5/13/2018

I had not intended to write on this day. As you know, I actively avoid holiday and special occasion dates on the calendar. But I’m overdue to write and to have a friendly conversation with all of you, so here I am.

The primary reason I have been silent here is due to the tremendous amount of changes my life is undergoing, and busyness that goes along with that. But the truth is that I’ve been overwhelmed, and exhausted, and at times wondering what I am getting myself into. (Note: I initially wrote “info” as a typo, but there are no coincidences >> “getting myself info.”)

I had been unhappy with the stagnation in my life for a long while. I could say it’s been since Erin left, but it went long before that. In 2007 when my stepfather died, our family descended into a long bout of chaos and the fallout that ensued. He died suddenly, leaving my mother shocked and destitute, and most of all alone. We didn’t know it then, but the stress of the emotional trauma caused her to descend into dementia. It took us until 2012 to realize and understand that it was more than just bad behavior, and since we had not experienced dementia/Alzheimer’s before, we did not understand what was happening.

In 2013 Erin got sick with a mystery illness. Not so much a mystery even though it remains undiagnosed. Her collarbone lymph node swelled up suddenly and I knew what that meant, but I trusted every doctor who said they could not find cancer. When 2014 rolled around, I thought our lives were looking up. I know about 7 year cycles and figured we were coming out of one. Now here I am 3 years away from the end of this 7 year cycle confused, sad, and yet somehow hopeful.

I have been in limbo for 5 years now. For those who don’t follow numerology, 5 typically indicates change. 5 years ago, we moved into our then new house on Laurel Cove Way. It was supposed to be our forever home, but it was nothing but the beginning of our nightmare. After our horrible 2014, that home became my prison in a way. I could not walk into, and sometimes past, certain rooms. I worked from home so was there nearly all the time. The idea of leaving cut me deep, but the idea of staying was hard too. We moved out a week ago, and finished cleaning up last Friday. I never want to go back. Being there was so difficult that I could not bear it.

Friday was also my 21st wedding anniversary with Shaun. We don’t celebrate it anymore. We always included Erin in our special day, and well, it’s just a sad memory now. It was also my last day at work after 14 years. I start a new job on Monday.

I have gotten everything I have asked for…”movement” in my life. New job. New house. By Tuesday, it will be over when we sign the final papers at 2pm. I guess I am confused about being confused and wondering if what I thought wanted is really what I wanted, and how long this new phase of life will last.

That is all for now. Blessings and #missingerin <3