I discovered last Friday morning, via FaceBook, that Erin’s friends apparently graduated from 8th grade on Thursday. I was not prepared for the feelings that followed, and I am a little ashamed to share them. I mean, what normal person is bitter that children are happy, healthy, and have moved on 4 years later? I stopped being normal, though, when Erin left. So I’m not a normal person.
I have spent the entire weekend in a deep depression. I was too busy on Friday at work to think about it much, but it popped in during every moment of downtime, and moved in to stay after work. I finally showered after 2 days, and haven’t been hungry. I really have very little to say. I’m sure you can tell this isn’t flowing very well.
I am ashamed that I feel the way that I do. I can’t lean into it though. I’ve just got to turn away. I’m angry that it’s been almost 4 years since I’ve seen my daughter or heard her voice. It does not get easier with time. I still cry every day and I still tell her goodnight and good morning. I still tell her that I miss her several times a day.
The well-read of you will tell me that I have what they call “complicated grief.” That’s almost an insult. There is nothing complicated about this. My child died. No one should have to continue living with that, yet here I am.
This is why happy events make me so miserable. If you are one of the people who don’t understand why I don’t celebrate holidays, birthdays, etc. maybe you will gain more insight by reading this. Maybe not. I don’t know why I still feel the need to accommodate those of you who don’t understand. Yes, there are still some.
I would say the flow is gone but it wasn’t here. I guess I wrote this one more for me than for you. My apologies for the downer content. All that I can say is UGH and #missingerin <3
