I know, it’s been a long time since I’ve written. I became very depressed after I moved. I may have said that last time. And then I felt like all I was doing was whining, so everything I wanted to share, I just didn’t.
There is a value in not spewing your story constantly. It keeps you wrapped up in it, reinforcing it, but it can also be healing to speak it. I guess somewhere along the line I felt like I had crossed over to the negative side of things and had to take a break.
It hasn’t been smooth sailing since I moved. I thought it would. Why would I think that? I don’t know honestly. I thought when we hit 2014 it would be smooth sailing, and it was the worst year of my life. This is my bad time of year by the way. I just reposted a picture from Erin’s last hospital visit, 4 years ago. We had no idea. It was supposed to be the visit that they figured out what was wrong with her and fixed it. We had done 6+ months of discovery with no answers. We still don’t really have any, as even the autopsy was inconclusive.
I know I just went to a place you don’t want to go, but while writing I was illuminated as to why. I knew the moment I saw the lump on her collarbone it was lymphoma. Then I let multiple doctors and my own fear of hearing it tell me otherwise. Even the autopsy said it was there but wasn’t really clear as to whether she had it all along, which type – just not clear. But I knew all along. I dismissed my gut. Use my mistake as your shield of knowledge.
So when I moved, I was so upset the last time I was in that house it was unbelievable even to me. It was such a depressing thing to be there after having been out of it for nearly 2 weeks. I had to get the hell out. I haven’t been back even though I live on the other side of the neighborhood. I miss Erin’s River Birch tree and her Oak tree that we grew from an acorn, but I miss nothing else. It was the worst years of my life, and it was supposed to be a new start. I forced it too…I drove that house, the move, the keeping family together thing, and none of it panned out. A lesson to go with the flow I guess, and your gut.
We moved in and almost immediately our driveway began cracking. Lots of cracks – not normal cracks. Then the wood floors had to be pulled up. We were without floors for over a month. It was awful. I had already been living like I was in a hotel since March when we started selling furniture and such for our move. Now I was there again. The builder still never sent the cabinet folks back to fix the cabinet trim. We had multiple damaged items in the house that didn’t get fixed, but it is honestly too much trouble to bug them about. I’ve already started repainting. The paint was so thinly done you can see through it in spots all over.
Our blinds took 2+ months to arrive. That isn’t normal. The toilets were nearly kid sized (I kid you not!). Ordering new ones was hell. I could tell you the convoluted story but you wouldn’t even believe it. So we cancelled those and ordered the same two somewhere else and finally got them installed. We then went and ordered cabinets for the laundry – been 2 weeks and the person still hasn’t called us to do the final measurement. I know there is something going on here but for the life of me I can’t figure it out. Shoddy work, poor foundations, inability to eliminate and launder? LOL Anyone of you out there who do spiritual interps, please send insight! Even our bed started creaking suddenly when we moved. Do you know how disrupting it is to creak every time you turn over? I think we finally got that fixed.
My bathtub isn’t as inviting. I used to take salt baths all the time but have maybe used it 3 times since May. At least we finally put down roots – we planted the butterfly bushes that I received on my first Mother’s Day without Erin. They are in bad shape – 3 years in pots will do that to a bush. But we were determined to take them to our new when we moved. That wasn’t a typo – we are in our NEW.
At least one hummingbird finally came to visit. He buzzed my head last night when we put a rock border down.
My new job is fantastic. But it is a LOT of work. I have not done service desk from the prime contractor perspective before, and so I have learned a whole lot about government and program management office deliverables, which is great experience. I’m also learning how to pull back from operations. But I have a small leadership staff so I still have to do a lot of things myself and am working 12-13 hour days. I had forgotten how it felt to get 100+ emails a day ha ha!
The 2nd Annual Go for the Gold at McMullen Cove will occur on 9/15. Please come support the Harmon’s Sam, and Erin, as well as the St Jude families that the donations will go to. Being in the hospital with your child means time off work, lost wages, unpaid bills, and a lot of gas and food. They need help. We did, and we are fortunate to be in good financial shape. I can’t imagine what others are going through. And did I mention come support the Harmon’s and us? We still need it. I still cry every day. I’m actually crying now. It never stops.
That’s all for today. Love and hugs, blessings, namaste, and #missingerin <3
