Musings for 9/3/2018

I just read a post somewhere unnamed, that may have been directed at me, regardless being preoccupied with life and coming and posting only ever 30 days or so. It stung. It’s true that I am preoccupied and that I am not present for anyone or anything except that which directly affects my day to day existence. I think about posting here often. I think about that other forum often. I think about friends and family often. What I don’t do is interact.

I think what bothered me is the same thing that bothers me about the world. Folks just don’t know what someone else is going through and what drives their actions. It is physically painful for me to interact some days, and then when I do reach out, I get negative feedback even if indirectly. (See how writing helps? I’ve got insight now.)

This isn’t about the person writing. It’s about me putting energy into other people’s reactions when I’m doing the best that they can and I’m doing the best that I can. It’s about me putting too much into what someone else thinks about my thoughts, feelings, and ideas (even if I do deeply care about the person, it’s too much energy). The interesting thing is that I already went through this thought process about Shaun a few days ago (no he doesn’t know – this is inner work).

Remember I share to help me and to help you. See how this process works? You become aware of patterns. “This always happens – why?” Then you examine your thoughts and feelings. And reactions if you have already reacted. Perhaps your actions if you set it in motion. Now that I’ve done that, I need to figure out how to break this pattern.

My first inclination was to do an about face and try to regain the favor of the person who wrote the forum post. Assuming I’ve lost the favor – well my body and mind are AFRAID that I’ve lost their favor. My heart is telling me there is another way, but right now it’s losing the argument. But I’ve about faced my entire life right? Where did it get me other than additional same experiences? That’s where it got me. Doing the same thing over and over and getting the same results is normal. That’s why you look for a different way – a better way.

So instead, I wrote a very short reply to the first post I had made clarifying my original intent. I had to keep it short…I spoke from the heart and didn’t need to defend myself. But still I want to. When I figure this odyssey out I will let everyone know the golden nuggets from the other side.

What have I wanted to tell you though recently? I’ve wanted to tell you to please come and support Go for the Gold in honor of Erin and Sam Harmon. I’ve wanted to tell you – even though you’ve heard it for 4 years now – how much goddamn pain I’m in every single day. I’ve been holding that in but it has to come out some time, so I cry on the way home from work instead. And in the bathroom. And anytime otherwise that I’m alone.

I’ve wanted to tell you about some wonderful spiritual paths and books that I’ve managed to come across that have brought me fulfillment and peace. Some degree of peace anyway. It’s a journey, and it’s work to get there. That’s for you too…no quick fixes, no saviors. We are here to find a way to save ourselves. Even if you are a religious person this is true. Jesus taught folks how to fish and his life was a teachable moment. The example was left to us and the pathway is through unconditional love. Easier said than done though. <3

I’m still missing Erin. I’m not getting over it and I’m not moving on with my life. I just carry it the best way that I know how daily and that’s all that I can do.

Blessings and love to you <3

#missingerin