Communication, and Lack Of

The last time I posted I was somewhat confused. A lot has happened since then both inside and out, and I’m having a period of clarity.

This journey started many years ago, and then I was fearless. I may not have been mature, or clear, but I was fearless. I learned to harness my intuitive skills, started looking within, and that’s when things changed. I was a technical writer in what should have been the best opportunity to date in my career, yet I was experiencing not only the feeling that I was in over my head, but also scathing verbal encounters with colleagues. By scathing, I mean unsolicited criticism. Not a huge boost for confidence! I was also doing intuitive readings for people and had a moderately good clientele going, but then I began second guessing myself to the point that not only did business dry up, I secretly hated being asked to “perform.”

Do you ever wonder why you don’t see the breadcrumb trail until way late in the game? I do, but it’s my experience that it’s normal. I wouldn’t mind it if revelations didn’t take 20 years, though.

I never did want to be a tech writer again, although I did continue to write articles for awhile. It was just so hard to put out a clear train of thought. I would see friends asking what i was up to and couldn’t even coherently tell them that. I’m just illustrating how deep this went and some of you may recognize the pattern in your own life. I wasn’t even able to articulate my feelings to my own daughter or husband. I would get bound up in minutia, or never say it at all.

Other things over the years should have tipped me off. An ex boyfriend who told me that no one wanted to hear what I had to say, that it was all stupid. Feeling like I was never heard or understood. Didn’t know how to speak up to get my needs met other than yelling. Frequent scratchy and sore throat after speaking a lot, causing my voice to not come through clearly. Being afraid that my spiritual path will negatively affect my career. These are classic throat chakra issues, and mine was not in great shape for some reason.

Whether you are spiritually aware or not, you have to consider both body and mind. Mentally I understood on some level (at times) what was going on, but I have stuff embedded in my subconscious that I can’t seem to shake. I don’t “buy into” most of it anymore, but yet when I have to speak up at work I get a scratchy throat and feel unheard unless I’m being a raging bitch. I don’t like the look and feel of my nice emails, or my forceful ones. It keeps me in a perpetual WTF state of being.

I didn’t even want to write here today. What value am I bringing? Am I just complaining? Who is reading? UGH!

Oh, and my friend that disagreed with me…we can disagree. Why did it bother me? Why was I afraid to say that our pathways had diverged some time ago? I don’t even believe it was a goodbye. I think we will converge again soon.

Now that I can see the origin point (from this life at least), or close to it, I hope I am on the track to resolution.  More to come when I figure it out.

By the way, we raised around $10K in this year’s Go for the Gold. Thank you to everyone who supported and donated. Financial support is little consolation when your child has a serious illness, but at the same time it means more than you can imagine to the families. <3