I am fully committed to titling these posts instead of using the Musings tagline that I started awhile back. I mention this because it always amazes me how the titles come to life.
Those of you who are my FB friends know that Puppy died on Friday evening. I had suspected something might be wrong and he has been at the vet twice in the past few months. I’m disappointed in my vet and myself because again, I didn’t trust my gut. I saw him eating dirt, and he had a large tumor on his left leg, but the vet said it was fatty and he was fine. He had started acting strangely last week and so we dropped him off on Friday morning. When they asked if I wanted blood tests, I said not necessarily whatever she thinks she needs to do. Was that clear? I was trying to say “Hey, I’m not the expert, don’t charge me a bunch of money for something he doesn’t need.” I left it as “Find out what’s medically wrong with him.”
When Shaun picked him up he was fine but after he came home, he wasn’t. Not at all in fact. He had labored breathing and by the time I got home he refused food and water and even movement. After he appeared to be having a heart attack or something, something that even upset our cat, we took him to the emergency vet.
After a brief examination, they told us that he was anemic, had a large mass that displaced his intestines, and also had a sac of fluid around his spleen that was 38% red blood cells. His blood had only 26%. In other words he was actively bleeding and likely had cancer. We suspect he ruptured whatever it was getting into the car at the vet, but if he was that bad off, he was already dying.
He was so pitiful, we moved quickly to end his life. There was no point in putting him through a surgery that would probably be unsuccessful. Truthfully it was like having to let go of another piece of Erin.
This is our story. Repeatedly. Sick, can’t find out what’s wrong, find out at the end it’s cancer or something worse and death. It’s not like we aren’t trying to take care of our loved ones or ourselves. The repeated deaths and traumatic circumstances are taking a toll.
So what’s up with the title? Alone – Al(l) One. These are two sides of the same coin and a perfect example of As Above, So Below. I just finished telling an old friend via email last week that I have realized all of this shit is purposeful. I’ve been systematically made to be alone. It has definitely escalated but I’ve had a lifetime of it. Is this a brilliant experiment for me to know – truly know – that we are never alone? All one?
Even Shaun said this isn’t normal. This being all of the death and traumatic death that we have experienced. I know it’s not normal. It’s as if the universe is speaking to us loudly so that we get the point. The problem is that we are so emotionally overwhelmed that I’m afraid we may miss what that point is.
I just asked myself what really is the point? And I came back around to knowing – KNOWING. Yet I would be lying if I said I knew what I’m supposed to be knowing. I don’t. It is lost in the sea of sad feelings and chaos.
I know that Puppy is not suffering, but I am. I can’t pick and choose my emotions. They are present and they are real.
We miss you sweet Puppy. And we miss you Erin <3 #missingerin #missingpuppy
