Troubled Times

I am troubled, by lots of things. I hopefully finally became unblocked, but in order to get there I woke up during the night with a very vivid image of my mother in a specific dress that she wore during the 80’s. It is associated with a very bad time in my life for many reasons and with feelings I have towards her that I have not let go of. This is relevant to the rest of what I want to talk about today, so I mention it up front.

I recently posted something on FaceBook by (I think) Trevor Noah, who was explaining the spirit behind the idea of reparations to those of African descent whose ancestors were slaves. I knew that it would stir up some stuff, but it was so nicely explained that I had to post it. I agree with it after all, and I hoped it would reach at least one person.

Unfortunately the same players (they are always the same) bitched and griped about it being about money. I suppose even though I didn’t take the time there to explain this, yes it is about money. BECAUSE MONEY IS A FORM OF ENERGY EXCHANGE. A lot of energy was taken from this group of people on the unseen level and they are still feeling the effects. But from a purely 3D level, our ancestors really fucked these folks. Don’t you feel like maybe you can finally pay the debt left to you?

So that wasn’t what I was getting at but it had to be said. I’ve struggled over the past few days. This handful of people are representative of a lot of people, and on the surface they are nice people. I like or have liked them in the past, had an affinity for them. But their words don’t match what I thought they were on the inside. My role should be to extend them love and kindness regardless, and to provide a better example should they notice it. But there’s a part of me that just wants to say Adios and move on. I’m troubled – what do I do? How violently do I say no, that’s not right and I’m not standing for it? It’s not my role to judge – do I just smile and send love and thus – IN A 3D SENSE – indicate agreement?

I’m walking between worlds here. My entire being has changed so much that I find I cannot live in the true sense of the word in the 3rd dimensional way of things. I can’t understand the lack of kindness, of love, and the greediness or mindset of “MINE – NOT YOURS!” I can’t understand why someone would hate all Muslims, or blacks, or women or whatever. I can’t stand the hypocrites and the assholes. And I don’t know how to continue going about my day to day life feeling bewildered and sad about it. I’ve got enough to be bewildered and sad about.

Which brings me back to my mother. It is clear that I have not let my disdain for who she was go. I wrote last year about seeing her in the in between dimension, and how happy I was to see her. It was her best self, not who she was here. I’m holding her hostage and me too by holding on to the past, but it was real, and it happened, and goddamn it all I wanted was acknowledgement from her that I never got. I experienced all that was my childhood and while this life may be an illusion, it’s a real one that sucks.

I don’t know how to reconcile that with who I am now, who she is. I don’t know how to reconcile the ugly words and attitudes of people that I know with the light, dim as it may be, that I see within them. I don’t know how to lovingly say “Hey, you are an asshole. You need to be nice” and have them receive it (because, you know, they won’t). I don’t even know why I bother, or why I am bothered, because I can’t do a damn thing about how others conduct themselves.

I am troubled for the entire world, and if I’m being honest, for the fact that I’m stuck here and can’t escape it. I’ve got some job to do before I find the key and door out of here and I’m so tired of waiting to be given the details. If it’s being a light in the face of a shit storm, I am trying.

And yes, all of this under the tremendous weight of missing Erin. For anyone who wonders, it is never ending. I wake up thinking of her, face it during my day many times, and go to bed with her as my last thought. Love is the only thing keeping me going, which is why I keep emphasizing it to everyone. I guess maybe that’s my purpose for continuing on. #missingerin