Still amazed at my titles. I know that’s probably an odd thing to hear but they just pop out and I say “Huh?” and then I get it.
I knew I needed – and wanted – to write for some time. On the surface, honestly I question as to whether any of this stuff has any value. I mean that both to me and to others. There is only so much you can say about a subject or situation before it’s just a broken-record complaint.
I also don’t have a lot of time to process much of anything, so it’s just been sitting in there stewing like a pot roast in a crock pot. I can’t cry at work – and emotions tend to make me cry since all roads lead to Erin. I can’t cry on the way to work or I will ruin my makeup…but I still do sometimes. I try to enrich myself with philosophical or spiritual audio books…but they make me think of things I could or should have done differently and I cry. And at the end of the day, I’m too damn tired to cry. I just want to do nothing and so I do. On the weekends too (I spent all day yesterday playing Destiny 2. No emotional upheaval there!).
So my sweet cousin recommended a book called Becoming Supernatural by Dr. Joe Dispenza a few days ago, and long story short I downloaded it. I’ve been seeing it in print for years but I never picked it up. It always catches my attention though. The thing is, the title really doesn’t capture the content. I’m like, hey, I’m already supernatural and I don’t need to read this. The book is really about healing though, and opens with a story about a lady named Anna who experienced an emotionally traumatic event that ruined her health.
Cousin, if you’re reading, you probably don’t know that in one of my other lifestreams I am known as Anna. Nice synchronicity <3
Let me digress for a moment…I’ve currently got an issue going on that I thought was gastrointestinal but discovered that I have horseshoe kidneys. I think my nausea, etc. is kidney related but anyway, look at what Louise Hay has to say about kidneys as paraphrased by Wholelifebalance.com:
“the emotions that are attached to toxic relationships, anger, anxiety, dwelling on past issues and being pissed off, are connected to the occurrence of UTIs and kidney stones. Hay believes that this is a fear of letting go.”
Alchemyofhealing.com has a list from her book which notes:
“Kidney Problems: Criticism, disappointment, failure. Shame. Reacting like a child.”
I’m on chapter 4 of Becoming Supernatural, and realized that I wasn’t sure I was ready to heal. What? I’m in deep thought driving to work on Thursday and Friday realizing this, trying to navigate traffic, and thinking about my busy day ahead. So no, I haven’t gone too deep but I am very well aware that I need to. My next thought was why, and when I asked myself out loud I clearly felt I wasn’t worthy and was paying a penance.
All of the things that I would tell you if you were my client or friend…you did the best you could at that moment, you have grown and are a different person now, so on and so forth…I do not allow of myself. I do constantly criticize, I feel I was a failure to more than just Erin. I failed myself. I knew better. Was better. Blah blah. But I wasn’t so I failed there too.
And I tried to put a new spin on it. If I succeed at healing and walking this path, I will be a template maker along with others who also believe that we will physically be with our loved ones again. Yes – there are others! But do you know what sort of reactions I get when I tell people that? Think about your reaction now. There are only a few who believe in the possibility.
I never doubted my beliefs. I told Erin that our bodies do not have to die. I still believe that and will not get into that here, as that’s not the point of this writing. Do you know how hard it was for me to even entertain that after her body died? I’m a member of a small group (comparably) that believe that, and other things. But it’s not tested until it happens to you.
Yet when Erin told me to BELIEVE – she always shows it in all caps – I did, because she said it. Over, and over, and over she said it.
That’s my future self – the future, healthy, whole self. But how can I get there if I can’t invest enough to take the first step? I don’t have that answer yet.
This must be the end as I have lost the train of thought. Oh, I’m also entering menopause which, before the patriarchy, signaled the move from mother into Crone (wise woman). Not feeling very wise, but it seems to fit with where my souls path wants me to go. It’s sort of funny to me actually.
And on that note, I encourage all of you ladies to read Lisa Lister’s Love Your Lady Landscape. Totally different topic entirely, but I love it and want to share.
Love, blessings, and still #missingerin <3
