I have not added a title first this time. My guidance keeps shouting the word “Beloved” but honestly I don’t see the fit. So I am rebelling and keeping it for last. The inner shouting is persistent though.
For those of you who follow metaphysical type topics, you may know that we are in an auspicious time of energetic currents with the Lion’s Gate (8:8) upcoming, a new moon, and we just finished the Mayan Galactic Year with the new year on 7/26. This is the year of the White Magnetic Wizard. I love how that sounds and feels.
I’m also having some sort of inner closet clean out going on. It’s the time of year when I have to face down the date of Erin’s body’s death, and the month long shit show that preceded that. It’s also my brother-in-law Greg’s upcoming birthday within the week (remember, he passed the May before Erin very suddenly). And my mother’s 2nd husband, who died earlier this year, has a birthday within this week and he’s been on my mind. He reconnected with me but bless him, I did not have the emotional energy to give him what he needed except very sparingly spread over time. He needed a friend who cared (in summary) and I couldn’t be that for him since I could barely be that for me.
I was walking through Dillard’s on Thursday leaving a hair appointment (yes, my guy works at Dillard’s and he is fantastic), and passed some Southern Living decor and pillows. I thought, oh I like that…and then in a matter of seconds I had this conversation in my mind…
This stuff is for a home that has a family. That isn’t me anymore. (And then I felt bitterness welling up, so I had to stop and recognize the bitterness which was a separate conversation). Well if that isn’t me who am I? What does that mean? What do I embody and how do I represent who I am on the inside on the outside? WTF WTF WTF!?!?!?
All of that before I hit the next section of stuff. I am thankful that I processed it though. I’m still processing it so I guess I should say “recognized it.” **Sigh**
This week I have had other things come to mind and I realized that I am grieving things from my past. The old me. My old life. I heard a good bit of advice from a video that said to stop focusing on things that happened. You just cement them into the timeline and you also attach yourself to that energy and can’t move forward. So I’m doing with that what I can and encourage you to as well.
Just this morning I was informed that time and elements have finally ruined my father’s toolbox, which I’ve had my entire life. It was metal and apparently it and the tools have rusted. I should have kept it inside I suppose, but it’s not something I use, open, or think about. But the idea of throwing it away caused a rather unpleasant reaction. I also no longer want his desk. That and my mother’s bedroom furniture have become a burden. But I grieve them…I grieve the idea of parting with them. I’ve not only parted with people, but I’ve parted with most of my things and their things in this last move. I feel emptiness in that reality.
But I’ve also developed an attitude of “What’s the use?” and it has affected my health. On Erin’s Angelversary this year, I will be having 1/2 my thyroid removed. Sometime post January, it swelled and grew a huge nodule that has ruined the right half. I’ve also got candida in my esophagus, and feel like utter crap. I have a renewed sense of self but the physical damage is done. If you’re wondering, the thyroid can’t be healed and will be better without the physical piece. I can see the photonic outline of the gland though in my mind’s eye … once it’s out the energy and photonic DNA will remain.
Now I know why I am to call this one Beloved. Love and blessings and #missingerin <3
