Messages from Erin

Buffy and the Red Teletubby

I had already planned to tell you about the Red Teletubby. I assume he has a name, but I don’t know what that is so he’s the Red Teletubby to me.

For two weeks now, while I’ve been working in my new “home office” in our one extra bedroom, Buffy has been clawing at the closet door. That’s not abnormal – she abhors a shut door. But once she got in there she was pawing incessantly at the three garbage bags that hold what remains of Erin’s stuffed animals.

She tore a few holes in one, but last week I noticed that she had torn a big hole in another. Why do I keep letting her in? Try doing something with a persistent cat bugging the living hell out of you and you’ll have your answer.

So anyway, I’m slow. I have already shared with y’all that it took me 4 days of smelling my mother’s “proprietary blend” (LOL) of cigarettes, perfume, and hairspray to say Oh, it’s her. 4 days of that horrible smell because I was too engaged otherwise to be bothered. This is why the universe hits me over the head with logs vs asking me nicely to make changes. You get the picture.

I noticed two days ago that there were red legs hanging out of the bag. She had pulled legs all the way out of the bag. But red legs could have been anyone. They could have been the stuffie that was her last Valentine’s present, or any number of dudes that I have forgotten about since I stored the memories away for safe keeping.

Yesterday, I was in here looking for something for a headache online. I’m not supposed to take OTC meds so I was avoiding a phone call to my homeopath, googling what to take for sinus congestion and headache. I also am too lazy to lug my laptop around the house so leave it on a portable desk, which I am also too lazy to lug around the house. Nonetheless, the key word here is headache – I felt crummy and again, didn’t quite get it the first time when Buffy scratched, then started tearing that bag, and I yanked out the red legs to find Red Teletubby.

I had started to suspect that Erin and Buffy were talking to each other but didn’t attend to that thought any further until that moment. Still, I didn’t feel good, so I put Red on the bed and kept moving. It wasn’t until later that I came back to find Buffy semi-snuggled up to it on the bed.

And then later I realized why it was Red, and then this morning why now.

It wasn’t that Red Teletubby was that special to Erin. She had all 4 of them, and she had probably 150 stuffies or maybe more if you can believe that. She loved each of them and they all had names. She had so much stuff that her Daddy used to try to get her to donate to charity, and when she was little she agreed – once. She gave Cookie Monster and Ernie away in a charity run and then a few days later, she cried and cried and cried some more until I went out and bought them again. She had such a tender heart and she loved every one and every thing. I am not kidding about that – she LOVED. Period.

One day a few years later I came home to find out that she had traded Red for some sort of Barbie RV with her friend AF who lived on the street behind us. I was afraid of what would happen, so I made her take $20 from her piggy and go buy Red back and also give the RV back. I just couldn’t take seeing her so upset and beside herself. I have fact checked myself on this and I don’t remember any other stuffie besides Red being involved. Maybe another Teletubby was involved, but the point is that your loved ones give you messages that you will immediately get. Or in my case, semi-immediately after you pay attention.

Well, I thought it was nice to hear from her and even nicer with Buffy involved (Buffy was Erin’s cat), but finally opened email this morning from One Drive, who has been sending me memories for the last few weeks. (When did that start? Anyone else?). 7 years ago yesterday we were in Riverside, Iowa. We had just left the children’s hospital that we had visited and were on our way to spend the night with Erin’s BFF, AKS, who had briefly moved to Illinois. We were at the StarTrek museum in Riverside and visited the birth place of James Tiberius Kirk. I was clearly more into all of that than Shaun and Erin were and honestly, it sort of ruined it for me later due to the circumstances.

Erin never spent another night at home because we drove straight to Huntsville, packed more things, and left for her final visit to Children’s in Birmingham having zero idea that she was dying and wouldn’t come back home. Even after 7 years, it kills me to write those words. I have to make sure that when I feel so much pain that I remember to tell Erin to keep visiting, and keep sending me messages, and to please not stop just because it’s painful for me. It’s even more painful to go months without hearing from her or seeing her while I lucid dream.

Grieving parents especially need to see those signs from our babies. I know one mother who gets nickels. Sometimes her son sends many of them in a day or two period, just randomly placed in her path. Maybe the beautiful butterfly who visited my home yesterday was also a messenger from Erin. She loved butterflies and had them all over her room.

Thank you for listening to my Erin story, and I hope that if you’re missing someone this gives you hope that they are somewhere just out of reach, but still looking in on us.

#missingerin <3