In the fall of the year leading to winter, it is natural to contemplate death and loss. In ancient traditions the sun was waning and they did not yet have the promise of spring showing in the sky.
I started getting OneDrive reminders about pictures “on this day” awhile ago. It was unexpected but I feel obligated to open them. I’ve lost so many people dear to me, and it’s one way that I can briefly honor their memory but not get overwhelmed.
Well, I got overwhelmed this morning. I’m getting pictures that Erin took on my phone for what she wanted for Christmas. These would have been in the last few years of her life because that’s when she got into Monster High. I would assume she got both of the dolls that were in the picture but no longer remember.
There is a lot that I no longer remember, and that bothers me too. I have forgotten many of her friend’s names and what they looked like. There are times that I have trouble conjuring up an image of Erin or remembering what her voice sounded like. But the pain of not having her here is still the same, and it weighs heavily on me.
There is nothing I wouldn’t give to have her back, but I would not go and change the events that have occurred. They changed me deeply, and I feel like I am a better person as a result. It could have gone the other way, but I made a conscious decision to honor her life by being better. Her leaving this plane could not be for nothing. I have not given up on seeing her again, but I’m letting go of wondering how, when, etc.
Erin and I used to read an old Solstice story about the Sun King dying. It had a happy ending and the Wise Old Crone said to them “There is never an end to life. This is the great mystical secret of the Winter Solstice.” The King was re-birthed as a baby of course, to grow and gain strength as the Spring approached.
I know it isn’t Thanksgiving yet, but I wanted to share this story with you as I lament my own loss. I know so many of you are missing someone, and the holidays as our culture does them aren’t a big help with that.
If you are having a hard time, do what you must to survive the season. Hunker down, stay at home or go be with people. Do what makes you happier. For some that will be cocooning for self-preservation and for some that will be sharing joy with others. It might be different based on the day and how you feel, so be gentle. Don’t be afraid to cancel plans, or to make them. There is no rule here other than to take care of yourself and be kind to others.
As for me, Erin’s birthday is December 11 (18th) and I guess I am acknowledging that this begins a month plus of difficulty. I may disappear and not be seen or heard, or I may go out and fill my time in order to think of something besides missing her. I will smile when you speak of your loved ones, but I will not ask about them because it hurts my heart. And I will feel guilty for not being happy for your happiness.
Love and blessings <3 and #missingerin <3
