I’ve written about “The Mother” before and it has been one of my core issues this entire lifetime. My relationship with my mother touched every other relationship I have had, as well as influenced my triggers and patterns. Some girls have daddy issues – not me. Mine are all mother issues.
And I’ve tried to heal those for years. To give you a recap, I started doing emotional clearing work way back in the mid to late 90’s and it helped me tremendously! But I never could peel back the onion layers and release my mother from blame. I’m not even sure I peeled back one layer, other than to recognize that she did the best she could with what she was given. I recognized it, but refused to give her any credit for that.
One of my biggest sources of bitterness comes from the fact that I never got to be a child in this lifetime. I have a feeling I have carried heavy loads in others, and I really just wanted a nice life here. You know, maybe not June and Ward Cleaver for parents but some normal, easy existence. I needed downtime. Instead I got a short 6-7 years of normal and then proceeded to have to be the adult in nearly every situation that arose after that. I still clinch up with anger just writing about it.
How did I handle each of those situation? With anger of course. And I thank the anger, because it kept me going and fueled me through things that I did not want to handle. Most of the time I ran from whatever it was until I had to take action. I still have that pattern…right now I need to call someone about a business issue and I don’t want to. I will push this out until I absolutely have to do it rather than just getting it over with. But emotionally I just can’t go there yet. And I’m not yet angry, just bewildered.
My mother died 7 years ago tomorrow, and even in her death she put me in a situation that was at the least an inconvenience but was again taking me away from a sliver of enjoyment and peace. And I did what I do…at first I refused to return home but after about a day of realizing she was going to pass, I decided to come home early from getting away from (yes you read that correctly – from) the holidays. I was bitter and angry on the return home, but managed to put that aside when I got here. I had to toughen up to sit with another close family member as they died.
Reflecting on that last night, I realized that she had continued to give me the gift of dysfunction right up until her death, and truthfully many times in dreamstate over the last 7 years. I was able to thank her and release her from that blame. For reference, that doesn’t magically wipe away my emotions towards it but now I understand things and can begin to process and heal. Also for reference, I can be a slow learner, and always get the shitty, hard lessons several times until I get it. I’m stubborn that way.
During my dreamstate last night, I had an opportunity once again as I was in some reality where my mother had dementia again but was not in a nursing home. She had gone missing the day before and I had not taken any steps to find her. Because I didn’t want to deal with it. When she returned home and I found out where she had been, I was angry. The lady she was with should have known better (this very thing happened with several folks before she was diagnosed but wasn’t quite right!) And I was mad at her for being her. But instead of reacting with anger, I touched her shoulders and said Mom, you have a serious medical condition and proceeded to tell her I need to ensure her safety and that she can’t go off like that anymore. I did it calmly. And she was still in enough of a right-mind to understand and hear me.
I consider myself an expert in emotional clearing work and I had a good teacher, too. One thing I know is that you can realize what needs to be done and even feel it – much like I did before bed last night – but it’s another thing to put it into action and change your own reactions. Also, so many people think that if they change themselves that the world automatically changes to meet them. That is not the case, and also, you will be tested! Did you think you could learn a new skill and not show it off?! Sometimes that test doesn’t come for awhile, but mine came right off last night in a dream that was just barely lucid. That is pertinent because I was reacting authentically and not based on “oh, I just released my mother now let me act this way.”
Now that I was able to demonstrate that towards her, I will surely have an opportunity with someone else. I hope I can act decently to them despite how many triggers are touched. And I hope that you will be gentle on yourself if you are trying on a new way of being. Old habits die hard. They are encoded in our mind and our cells and they have to be rewritten like a software program. Do the best you can and do better each time. You are an in-progress thing, never fully complete
Blessings to you <3
