This week I read a blog post by Jenny Schiltz called It’s Time to Come Home. I had no idea that it would evoke a healing response for me when I did, or even a new understanding of what home means for me.
For reference, I have been seeking home most of my life, even when I don’t intend to. I grew up in an apartment but little me didn’t realize it wasn’t a permanent home. My family life was upended when my father died at age 4, and then for the rest of my childhood I did not feel safe or feel like I had sanctuary most of the time. It wasn’t stable, so I learned to exert any measure of control that I had to provide a stable environment for myself. As I got older, I tried harder and had more control but sometimes at the cost of personal relationships. Even when I tried to not bully someone into compliance with my needs, I ultimately did out of a need to protect my inner child who desperately needed sanctuary.
Sanctuary is a word I have used to refer to what I need many times. I have always believed that if I had an unwavering sanctuary, I could navigate the chaos that has always been my life much easier. As an adult, I always assumed this was my home – my house. But do you know how many times i have moved? In my marriage alone we have owned around 7 homes, and moved a few more times than that. None of them has stuck for various reasons. Even when we “had” to move for a good reason, I have to acknowledge that as a co-creator of my reality it was purposeful for other reasons.
And I have never found sanctuary, or felt at home. I have always known these were temporary places. I refused to scatter my pet’s ashes, or bury them. I have planned before to dig up trees that could still be dug up that I wanted to keep and move them. I stopped hanging pictures. All of the things you do when you don’t expect to stay, even though I thought I did. And let’s not forget that most of my close family are dead. I have a small handful of blood relations that are still alive that I am moderately close to, and I have no children alive. My husband and I are an island in a vast ocean and I have felt as if I have no anchor and no solace from the storm.
Let me circle back around and say that years ago – too many to remember now – I changed my website name from BlueStarServices.net to BlueStarHome.net. At the time I wanted to get away from the Services portion as I was no longer offering readings and such. That’s another story, but I don’t know why I chose “home” to replace it. I thought at one point it was the home of those of the Blue Star, but that didn’t really stick either. I have regretted that decision because do you know how long that URL is to type? LOL really, but I knew I had to keep it.
One part of Jenny’s blog post really struck me…
Being home is walking fully in my purpose, my knowing, and trusting fully in that knowing and connection. To be here, fully here, no longer in resistance to all that I am, all that I was, and all that I will be.
I mean, wow, Home. I don’t know how to explain it to you but I got it as soon as I read it. And for the first time in, well, ever, I felt home.
But I realized too that I had been nesting if you will. I set the stage long ago with the website name, but in the last year I have been preparing my home. That includes not only my physical house but my body. I needed vehicles that were livable, agreeable, and sustainable for me. I think I was finally preparing to stay here, versus being a transient. I have always felt transient both in my living circumstances and on this planet. And even though I knew I was here for a reason, I did not want to stay here after Erin vacated her body.
I can’t tell you that my feelings about Erin have changed, but I can tell you that I am finally invested in this shitshow that I came to support (i.e., Earth and the ascension of humanity) and interested in staying. I’m actively taking steps, and wanting to take steps, to do things to my house and have recently gotten the tummy tuck and liposuction so my body has changed. I am not trying to do something drastic, but I want to look and feel more like me if I’m going to be here.
I’m still human, so I may have to remind myself that about my purpose and my knowing and connection, but now that I have felt it I think I can get back there a little quicker when I forget.
Hugs and love <3
