Threads

I am still defining and redefining who I am on the outside and inside. I never really considered it but suppose it is a lifelong process. If you aren’t changing and upgrading then you are stagnant and degrading. That doesn’t necessarily apply to little breaks you take along the way to catch your breath of course.

It has been 9 years since Erin’s body died. I realized this morning that there is a version of me out there somewhere in the multi-verse that still has her in my life. While I’ve always known we would wake up one day and be reunited, for some reason knowing that this is just one reality gave me comfort. I knew all of these things, but didn’t put the data together into information or knowledge. It’s funny what that one link can do for you.

I have felt it building for a bit now, it being me emerging from the cave I have figuratively lived in. I won’t say I’m there yet but I am definitely starting a new phase where I am different. Change is upon us and I’ve got to get back to my mission. I am here to clean up my own mess, and to help others. That may look different from day to day but I am remembering past or parallel existences again and mistakes I’ve made. I must do things differently this time.

By the way, mistakes are how we learn. We learn what feels good and what does not. We learn consequences to ourselves and others. We learn pain and we learn love. At the most basic level, we learn that we can’t step on rotten wood and not fall through (and thus break our leg). In a more complex situation, we learn that things we did eons ago are so burned into our DNA that we have repeated them over and over, perhaps as a penance for the deep guilt or shame we carry, because who said we could end the cycle and let ourselves off the hook?

I have a very long standing love-hate affair with Abandonment. I capitalized it because shit, it’s an old frenemy. It hurts so bad but has taught me so much. Without it, I wouldn’t be the very self-sufficient, strong and some other adjectives person that I am today. I’ve been physically abandoned and emotionally abandoned, but I’ve also done the abandoning. It is a perversion of the concept of Alone (All One) and is a false truth. I set this lifetime up so that not only was I an only child, I was physically and emotionally abandoned very early on. People started dying when I was 4 years old and once I got to a decent emotional place as an adult, meaning I wouldn’t lose my shit, well they started dying again. Almost all of them. The only thing I could say is ok, I get the point.

But there is so much baggage. And I’m wading through that. It’s like being in a dark room for years, then trying to go out into the light. It’s overwhelming, and I have to take breaks. But here I am, and I’m trying to figure out what to do with this website that I have had for so many years. The name no longer fits other than Blue Star. Or maybe I just need to rework the content. I’m not sure yet, but during meditation with Hekate she told me to get going and that was over a month ago. When the great mother speaks I probably should listen.

I know many of you have your own points to get. Now is a good time, because I’ll say again we are amidst a time of great change. It’s actually a great show and we all have tickets. Some of us even get bit parts. So get up, dust yourself off, and start doing what you’re guided. You’ll find the right thread to pull.