Nicole
Author's posts
Oct 08
Used To
I planned out today’s title as I was either trying to go to sleep, or at 5:30 this morning as I was trying to go back to sleep. I no longer remember which it was. First, let me bore you with a little grammar… A) Something that happened regularly in the past but no longer …
Oct 06
“Never” Moments
Wow, this guy is good. Kelly Farley, while writing from a father’s perspective for other grieving fathers, is singing the same song that I am. His latest blog entry “Reality Check” discusses moments that he realizes will never happen for him with his own kids. They will never get married, never go to homecoming (Yes, …
Oct 04
“Messed Up Inside”
Last night I read a brilliant post from a grieving father posted on FaceBook called “Messed Up Inside” by Kelly Farley. Please take the time to read the article. It so accurately expressed some of what I was feeling, and how you dread others asking you if you have any children. But mostly, how you …
Oct 03
More on the Journey
It looks like I am going to have to work on the “Erin” specific site when I am thinking “Hey, I feel like working on this.” Because the tide turns so quickly with my emotional state that I am left bewildered and without motivation. I actually felt fairly good yesterday when I wrote, only to …
Oct 02
New Energies
Ah! So I didn’t post anything yesterday. I honestly got started, then I forgot. I had some distractions and I guess it kept me from breaking down too much. Here is what I had started, and then got sad and stopped writing. Some days it is hard for me to really believe that Erin is …
Sep 30
To Admit, or Not to Admit
There are some things about this loss that I have yet to admit, even to myself. I can feel them in there, waiting behind a curtain or something, but they just don’t come to the surface. Sometimes it’s like I have an agreement like “I can’t look at that right now, please don’t show yourself.” …
Sep 29
Some of Her Last Artwork
Erin did these pieces while she was in the hospital. I’ll put explanations next to each of them. This was painted on July 17, 2017 while she was waiting on Dr. Polly Ferguson to finish up with us at the University of Iowa Children’s Hospital. It’s really …
Sep 29
Morning Thoughts
Saturday, I began berating myself for what I should have done in regards to figuring out Erin’s illness. I know that should is a bad word. My therapist sort of put it into context saying “Don’t “should” all over yourself.” You get the picture. But there are at least things I would like to have …
Sep 28
Same Old
It seems I am back to sadness this morning. Well it started last night, when I realized that I was frantically going over every piece of Erin’s illness trying to figure out what I missed and when I missed it. There was no stopping that. It lasted until I went to bed even though I …
Sep 27
Clouds in My Coffee
Having a moment of clarity this morning, I read Lisa Gawlas’ most recent blog article and I got it quite strongly and clearly. The article, linked here, talks about sitting on the fence and basically how the universe (source, god, insert your word here) sometimes comes to points where it will propel you one way …